2014 MY YEAR IN REVIEW...

2014 was a year that had more downs than ups....
It began in January with the death of my best friend and grandmother...
February brought my first first birthday without her being by my side or hearing her voice...
March was the first year I did not send her St. Patrick's Day flowers...
April was the first Easter without her.....
May was the first Mother's without her.....
***It is ironic how hard it is to go to a store and not buy a grandma card***
June was the first time I did not tell her Happy Birthday on earth..
July was the first summer without her
August was the first year she was missing from a family party
September I decided I wanted to go home and be with my grandma... there would be no more missing her because I would be by her side... Yet God had another plan...
October was the first year we did not stop by her house for trick or treat
November was the first time she did not sit in her spot at the head of the table...
December was the first Christmas without her...

So to wrap this year up...
It was a lot of first without the woman who was there for me more than anyone else...
The one whom I would call when I needed someone to talk to...
The one whom I loved to just be around...

2015 is a new year but there is still one more first... her one year anniversary of her death...
I do not want to rinse and repeat...
Yet how can I not repeat the year above without the missing piece 

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS...

Yes my friends we are at that time of year again when we look at our life and think hmmm...
What have I done that I want to get rid of? Want to do again?  Want to do for the first time? Want to get back to doing? Want to change? Want to start? Want to end? Want.... Need... Like.. Want... Need... Like... Sigh

Most of us will break that said new year's resolution before the week is up...
Sure the New Year is a great time for change... It is a brand New Year one we have never seen before... unless we have time traveled here and then it is just deja vu...
I mean come on... It is a brand New Year one we have never seen before... unless we have time traveled here and then it is just deja vu. (Sorry I had to)

I am sure Church's are full at the beginning of the year (except on Easter and Christmas)...
Diet food is sold more in the new year...
Exercise equipment is sold more in the new year...
More budgets are created in the new year..
More self-help books are sold in the new year...

Yes many people want to start a "new" a "Change" in the new year...

Why do we set ourselves up for failure?!? Why must it be something big?!?!

Setting a huge goal on weight loss is only going to make you want to eat when you do not meet your weight loss before Valentines day... and the candy is already out...
I am not saying do not loose weight.. I am saying do not put a name on it...

Setting a budget is great for those who can follow one.. but if you have to set one for new years you most likely are not going to follow it... Sorry to say... start simple open a Christmas account and next year at Christmas it will not be so hard...

Self-help books are great.... for the author.... I have a pile of them... you want one... for free!!

Here is what I suggest a simple daily routine (OH MY GOSH!!!! EVERYDAY!!!)
Laugh!!! No matter if you have had the day from hell there is someone out there that has had it 100 times worse then you...
Just Laugh...
OH MY GOODNESS STOP WHINING dogs all around the world are crying because you are whining so loud!!! But But But (you said Butt) What am I going to laugh at?!?!? Life is so hard?!??!? We live in America .... oh no you are right!!!
Have you ever laughed so hard that you fart????
I have!!!! Those farts do not stink as much as the farts that are silent...
Have you ever laughed so hard it hurt????
I have those are the best laughs!!!
You do not need to make fun of someone to laugh...
Break out in a moment of crazy dancing .... I don't know IN A STORE, or in the car, or just randomly around the house!! It is fun!
Shake off the Drama and live your life with laughter and love...

Well from my house to yours Happy New Year!!!

A MOTHER'S JOB...

Even before a child is born a mother protects their child as it grows in their womb...
As the infant grows within it's mothers womb it is protected from the harshness of this world we live in... she just floats around within a wonderland that is in complete harmony between mother and child...
Nothing can harm the child because it's mother's body is made to protect their child even before she is born...
Mentally that nine months is the scariest time... to think every decision you make for the rest of your life will impact your child in some way or another... Yet physically (not including morning sickness) it is the most beautiful-est time ever!
So as the child grows and learns each sound of it's mothers heart beat the mother tries to learn as much as possible to prepare for the day... the day that changes everything...
The birth of her child...
Once a child is born a mother also gives birth to a sixth sense...
It is as if she knows what is best for her child even though 24 hours earlier she was scared to even pick out a color for the nursery...
There are times in life that you know your child will get hurt, yet you let it happen because that is just how life is...
She takes her first step as she has the biggest smile on her face and suddenly she falls...
She wants to ride a bike so you let her... there is that big smile again and then the big fall..
She tries out for a ballet with the confidence that she is the best dancer in the world... only to get a small roll... one that she is so great at you are in awe of her...
You know boys will come into her life and hurt her and you are prepared to sit up with her and watch sappy movies and eat ice cream...
What you are not prepared for is the pain that her father will give her... and even though you want to tell your daughter that he is not worth it.. you see the smile on her face when she talks to him...
That same beautiful smile that she had on her beautiful face the day she took her first step, the day she rode her bike for the first time and the day she rehearsed for that big role...
So you keep silent and try not replay the last time this happen seven years ago when he broke her heart before...
Instead, I smile when she smiles.... and encourage her to talk about her dad...
She will meet her dad once again tomorrow with the expectations that he is wanting a relationship with her and not because he is married...
Her heart is so sweet, honest, loving and accepting...
She is so willing to give him another chance because she just wants to have a normal family...
So I will take her to meet her dad... Because when I became a mother, I became a protector of the most valuable treasure God has ever given me...
It is my job as a mother to encourage her to grow.... and be there to for the ups and downs of life...
Life is a roller coaster it is up to us if we are going to enjoy the ride or scream the whole time...
Hears to laughing until we throw up!!

WHEN THE ONE AGAINST YOU IS YOUR OWN BLOOD...

I have not written in a long time and it is due to many things going on in my life..
Things that have been very traumatic... and the truth has come out that the cause of all these issues has been my mom.

She thrives on attention and a part of me believes that she is causing all of this turmoil due to the fact that I lived instead of died... See if I would have died she would have received so much attention.

What started the whole suicide attempt was due to the fact that she was trying to get temp. custody of my daughter...  That pushed me off the edge...
Since I have left the hospital and have went to all of my appointments and have tried to work on getting better I have felt a force working against me...
Come to find out it has been my own mother.

This should not surprise me since she sided with my step-dad when I was younger more times then I can count...

I have never in my life seen someone create so much drama just for attention..

I pray that my daughter will learn that "things" do not mean "I love you"...
You do not speak ill of someone's mother while buying the child "things"...

I would rather be the poorest person in the world and have integrity than be the richest person in the world and have a life filled with so many lies and so much drama...

"YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE HAD 38 NORMAL CHRISTMAS'S"

"YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE HAD 38 NORMAL CHRISTMAS'S" is what my daughter blurted out this morning as we sat in the living room after decorating the tree.

It was 3:00 a.m. and neither one of us could sleep so I had made the suggestion that we decorate the Christmas tree and my daughter was more than eager to say "YES!"

The tree had been up since before Thanksgiving, yet I could not decorate it... I had decorated the house with garland and the entrance way to our complex but for some reason the tree... I just could not do...

As we got out the four different size boxes of. ornaments and each sat down to find a treasure in each box... I began to realize why I had not wanted to do this...
Many of the ornaments have meaning and some of them were of grandma...

So many ornaments that my daughter had made when she was younger... the different ones she has received for each Christmas it was as if we were going down memory lane...

I could tell she was tired at one point and I realized that my daughter had wanted to decorate the tree for a while yet she never said anything... She is very wise and instead of saying "Mama, lets decorate the tree" she knew that I was dealing with my grandma's death and did not want to interrupt my mourning...

At this moment I felt many emotions... One of awe in my daughter she has such a sweet heart and compassion... Yet I was upset at myself that I had put my daughter on the back burner to my mourning...  

My daughter was also in mourning and this was apparent with what happened next:

As we finished up we sat down and looked at our accomplishment and that is when my beautiful daughter said "YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE HAD 38 NORMAL CHRISTMAS'S"....
All her life she has been with me and we have always been a part of Christmas with my grandma... that included my Uncles and my Aunt... So all she knows is a happy loving caring family coming together for a celebration...  With laughter, food and cards.

She knew that Christmas was not going to be as "big" as it has been... not as many family members as it has had in the past...

How scary it must be for a child to have a big change occur.. not knowing what is going to happen all awhile knowing that it will be different...

This is new for both of us... Hold my hand my dear and we will walk this journey together.
We will make new memories always remembering and including the traditions grandma has given us...
Hold my hand and we will be okay...

THE EMPTY CHAIR...

I have seen many poems and posting regarding "The Empty Chair", yet I did not feel the heartache of the empty chair till I begin to think of the holidays...

For as long as I can remember the Holidays have been your favorite...
Decorating the house was so important... and it was so amazing to be in your home around the holidays as a child.  Being in your home when I was younger on a normal day I felt as if I was in a castle... you lived in a three bedroom two story yet it seemed so huge compared to our home...  Your home was always beautiful, well kept and so perfect..
It had a smell... I think everyone has their own smell... If I knew you would be leaving this earth and with you everything would be going with you I would have bottled up that smell so when I needed you I could open it up and smell your presence...

As I think about Thanksgiving I remember it being a production.. and I wonder how you did it.... You would always wore an apron, and would have ten things going on at once (it felt like a hundred) I have to say you were very creative with two kitchens and you used it to your advantage... in the basement you would have pies heating in the oven with the ham.. and all kinds of salads in the refrigerator including your broccoli salad, and your fruit salad.. well two of those because I did not like nuts in my food so you would make a second one just for me...Upstairs is where everybody was running around but not you... You had done this so many times before... on the oven was potatoes and the gravy... while in the oven was the turkey... when the turkey came out the rolls went in....
By the time we got there the table was usually set... so my job was to fill the glasses with ice and water... My uncle Tim and Tom were really helpful while the other boys were usually in the living room watching the lions... because that is what happens on Thanksgiving...
When it was time to eat we all took a seat, sometimes we had to sit in the kitchen because the house was full... I loved that...
You always sat at the front of the table... it was your seat.. Grace was said then everything was passed around...
The work that went into Thanksgiving was incredible yet it was over in a instant...

The family tried to convinced you to go in and have a seat in the living room where you had a chair, as they all took turns washing and drying dishes, putting away the leftovers...

This Thanksgiving I am not sure what we are doing...
The family has lost it's glue that has kept it together...
No matter where we are... if we are home or if we are at your home...
I know one thing will be for certain...
Your chair will be empty...
The woman who worked everyday to keep the peace and everyone together is now at peace with her husband and family... 





The Empty Chair...
The chair who once held an angel is now empty
The chair who once held every child is now sad
The chair who once rocked every grandchild stands silent
The chair who once seen every great-grandchild sees no more
The chair who once heard the laughter hears no more...

The chair sits in the corner waiting for you just as we do...
The chair wonders if heaven is filled with chairs just like it...

THE SNAIL...

I have been crawling up this hill of recovery...
Along this journey I have had to make my way over what should be easy hurdles...
Yet they have been pretty hard to do.. I feel as if I am a snail and I have finally made it far enough to look back and know I have made progress.. then BAM!!!!
Someone knocks me back down and stomps on me and my progress...

As I lay on the ground looking up at the progress and where I had been I feel as if I will never make it there again... I try to think why someone would have so much hate and anger for me to have knocked me down when I was trying so hard to make it back to the top...
The top for me was just being "normal"..

I think of the people I have hurt and wonder if they felt like this... for this I am sorry...
Are they the ones who knocked me down... I always heard karma was a bitch...

I sit alone at the bottom of the hill, and as I look around I realize I am even deeper in the pit than I was before...

I will start my journey back up the hill... but not right now... now I will sit in the tears that I have cried and wonder why... Why someone would think that this was good for me...

Right now this snail will crawl in her shell and hide here until I feel safe to come out and try to crawl up that hill again...

THE FIX IT BUTTON....

If I had a fix it button....
I would pay as much as possible in order to have this button that would allow me to go back and fix what I have done... Although what I have done has made me who I am...
I would pray that it did not have a limit or have a battery in fear that when I needed it most the battery would die and I would have to try and find one of those small screwdrivers to open it and then pray that I had a battery to replace it...
I would not care what color my fix it button was... it could be black, grey or white...
No matter what color it was you would only be able to see the many finger prints on it, and after a while the color would wear off due to so much usage...

In the beginning I would convince myself not to use it that often... I would tell myself to use only in case of emergency and would even pay extra to have it put in a glass case that I would have to break, like you see in some fire alarms...

There are times in my recent life that I know I could use this button:
*I would hit the fix it button and take me back into time and change the night of September 15th..  
*I would go back even further and make sure I was taking my medication...
*I would take back everything I said to all of my friends and family during that time: A person can apologize but once the words are said it is hard to forgive for some...
*I would hit it every time my daughter gave me that look, the look of "am I okay with you?"
*Every time she mentions my "illness"...
*Every time I get caught up in my little problems: that are in reality not that big at all compared to so many others....
*Every time my mom calls just to "See if we are okay": She does this out of love and I know she worries...
*Every time I have fell away from God: Even though when I look back I can see His presence with me through it all..

Maybe this is why there is no "Fix it Button" we have to stumble in our journey in order to grow, become stronger, build stronger relationships with God, friends and family...
The hardest part is knowing that I have hurt my daughter...
Now that is something I have to Fix and it will take time, and she is not patient...
Yet love is patient...

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Listening too:

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

[3x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Watch the video here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

IF I COULD TELL YOU ONE THING... A LETTER FROM A SUICIDE SURVIVOR TO THOSE EFFECTED BY SUICIDE..

I write this for anyone who has loosed a loved on and or friend from suicide, please do not blame yourself and think "If I was there.." If you were there you would have witnessed it.. the following is to show you that even if you were present the person would have done it anyway... I write this with love and from my experience... 

I have often wondered why I am still alive, what did the big man up there have in store for me?  In the past fifty days I have experienced six loses and three of them have been suicides..  In my heart I have felt their pain, I have seen the sadness on a mothers face as she sits in utter belief, I have seen the tears roll down a grown mans face as he tried to talk about his best friend, I have seen classmates walk with the blank stare in their face in disbelief,  The father who lost his best-friend ...  
God has allowed me to see both sided of suicide and I am now able to share with you what is actually happening in the mind of a person who is about to take away God's greatest gift... Life..

So what is happening in the mind of one who is about to kill themselves?
A pain and darkness that makes them feel so alone they have no other way out...
NO they have no other way out!  You could be sitting right next to them and show them all the beautiful days of their life and all they would see is the darkness... .

The darkness that your mind spirals into is a darkness that one could only describe as a pit one bar above hell... The only difference between the darkness you are in and hell is there is no fire.  You hear all of your past mistakes and sometimes even relive them in you mind step by step... You hear all of the nasty and negative words people have ever called you and things you have called yourself..  You believe these things because if you were smart you would have never made the mistakes that you had just relived..
A person in this state will start to become very mean;
Physically, verbally, and emotionally...
I broke so many things, it was as if a volcano was erupting and I did not know what else to do... Before I overdosed I knew I was leaving this earth and I deleted almost everyone off of my facebook.. I had over 400 friends and took it down to 67.. I went off on family members with mean hateful words that can only heal over time.. The things I said to my mom and daughter were things I wish I could forget, even though that would not heal the wound...

It was as if my mind was preparing the world to hate me so they would not mourn me..
They would be too busy being pissed off at me.

As I sat in my mom's guest room and finished taking the 250 pills I did pray to my grandma..
I asked her to help me, that I did not want to live here anymore and I just wanted to go home (heaven)... 

The point is that not once did I think about my 14 year old daughter who did not have a father in her life.. I only thought about getting out of this world.
When a person is in that deep in the darkness there is no talking them out of it... there is no reasoning, they are not thinking clearly...
They did not mean to hurt you and all the mean and hateful things they may have done before was not intentional either.
It is upsetting to hear "that is a cowards way" or "they did it for attention"
No this is an illness, one that the world needs to pay a lot more attention to...

BUT WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS:
They did love you and they did not mean to hurt you.
I pray my words helped you understand that you are not at fault, you actually gave them some of the best years of their life... it was the illness that took over at the end.
My prayers and will you all.

THE LAKE HOUSE... Part I

I have seen it in movies... you know that beautiful home on the water where kids had the times of their lives...
For me it was my life...
When I was younger my grandma received a house right on Lake Huron in the thumb...
Now as a child I heard many times "lets go up to the cabin for the weekend" yet this was no cabin...
From the road the house looked small but from the water you were able to see the house in all it's glory...
There was a white picket fence that went around the house and in order to get to the door you had to go down a steep hill which was replaced with granite steps by my grandmother..
The door was on the side of the house and entered right into a huge living room, all of the walls through out the home were wood, the kind that you would find in a cabin...
To your right was three bedrooms... the first was a small bedroom that my grandmother always slept in, then a small room my aunt would stay in and then the "Blue room" we called it that because it was decorated with a blue comforter and blue curtains and then at the end of the hallway was a small bathroom ...
To the left of the entrance was the stone fire place that took up almost the whole wall then a beautiful window that looked out unto the water... then a door that went onto a deck that would be replaced after a tornado with a beautiful room.. the room was all windows with a high ceiling this would be known as the "backroom" this was attached to the kitchen with beautiful french doors and there was also an entrance to the kitchen from the living room.
There was a second floor, and I remember the stairs leading up to the second floor being so small, steep and dark... yet it was the funnest place to be when we were kids..with two bedrooms, the first room was smaller but had two queen size beds in it and the other room was much bigger and at one point held five beds. There was also a bathroom up stairs but no shower due to the slanted ceiling...no one would be able to stand up in the bathtub...  There was also a full basement that had a shower in it, I believe that the person who built it put it there so when you got out of the water you were to enter into the basement and clean off the sand before entering the house.. we used the shower a lot but because it was so scary in the basement someone was usually down there with you...
When I was much younger before the "backroom" was added my mom, dad, brother, two cousins and uncle were up there with me... It was a two hour drive from our home to the house on the lake... This day was a hot day and when we arrived we all changed as fast as we could to take a dip in the water to cool off... The lake house did not have air... the water was our cool breeze...
We were all in the water when someone noticed lightning in the far distance so we all got out and changed.. My uncle put chicken on the stove to fry and it feels like it was within minutes the storm was upon us...
I do not even remember walking down the stairs I just remember being upstairs and then in an instant being in the basement...

My dad was upstairs trying to shut the door and could not.. he was screaming for my uncle but we could not hear him... all we could hear was this horrible noise..
It was a tornado, it had taken the roof off of the house down the road, uprooted a tree, and ripped off the screen porch.. the porch also had an older refrigerator on it... one that was very heavy and it was picked up and thrown as if it was a pair of dice in Vegas...
My grandma did have insurance and that is how she was able to rebuild the beautiful "backroom".  I cannot tell you how many hours we spent in that room, grandma had a beautiful dining room table and we ate all of our meals there and played so many hands of euchre... and other card games...
Some times we would just sit and watch the water or listen to oldies 96 the only radio station that was strong enough to work here and there...
So many summers and so many memories...
I know how Blessed I was to be able to go to a lake house... and to just get away with my grandma.

A SAINT WAS BORN....

Today is November 1st... On November 1st 1901 a Saint was born on this All Saints day...
Her name was Katherine... Her family would call her Kate...
I am proud to say she was my great-grandma...
My memories of her are that of a grandma... and more..
Whenever we went to visit her in her home she always had the TV on, it would be on one of two channels... It was on either her "stories" (her soap opera's) or EWTN.  Yes we are a Catholic Family, yet I have to admit my version of a Catholic family and her's is so different..
That is something I need to work on.
There are so many things I remember about my Great-Grandma T, she would sit in her rocker (lazy-boy) and rock back and forth.. I remember this because her feet would be crossed at her ankles and the leather on her shoes would rub together and squeak..  Her lips would always be moving, even when she was not talking to you... because she was praying.. Yes she always wore an apron with the Rosary tucked inside it..  I often wonder how many times she said the Rosary in a day... she always had candy to offer us (you know the old fashion hard candy).. So many memories I have of her..
I find that I am losing my memory as I get older, I am only 38 seems a little too young to be losing my memory; could be all the medicine I am on... So times like these when I remember such great times I must write it down.. This way my daughter can tell her children all about her great-great-grandma whom she is named after...

In her lifetime she suffered great loss.. As I sit her writing this I wonder if that is why she had such a devotion to the Blessed Mother.  When you think about it the Blessed Mother watched her son die and kept living for others... and grandma did the same...
She lost all of her son's at the time of her death the only ones living were her girls....
Grandma passed her love of her faith down to all of her children and the girl's all had such a great love for their faith.. My grandmother would get on her knees every night on that hard wood floor to pray for each one of us.. and there are a lot of us... I know she is still praying for us...I can see her on her knees before the Blessed Mother and God Himself.. I know I felt her prayers when I was in the hospital..

I was looking for a picture today to put on my fb page that showed my great-grandma and my grandma together, since this is the first year in many years they are together for her birthday...
Oh how the Angels must be celebrating... even though there is such sadness her on earth..
I believe that today is a extra special day on earth.. a day when we can ask the Saints the impossible and they will help assist.  They know my prayer, although a silent one...
Maybe one day I will write about it but today it is too fresh and I know you will understand..

So my words for you today is this:
Although you may be having a horrible day look up
Even in the darkest day there is light.. That is the Lord guiding you
When you are having a good day, do not take it for granted...
Praise His who has given us so much...
May we live a life that is not always of want..
But one of praise and prayer..

Look to the sky there is always light even in the darkest storm.

45 DAYS LATER... AND HE SAYS "I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU ARE ALIVE"

It has been a long 45 days... yet as I look back I see that I have grown in a good way... and I also see that I have had five losses in my life... three of them suicides..  each time it has hit me so hard, I know it is not about me but I see through other people's losses how much loss and grief my family would have endured...

Today I went to my cardiologist for the first time.. He entered the room with his assistant and a student, as he looked at the paperwork that awaited him he said "So you were in the hospital... was it for heart failure?"  I replied "No, I tried to kill myself"  He fell into the chair that was behind him as assistant grabbed her head, he told the student to have a seat... As I was telling him I took 250 pills he said "You took 100 digetec!!! Your digoxin level was over the highest 5.0 I have seen and I have seen patients with a lower level just drop dead and they had a pacemaker just like you"  I said "I was told my pacemaker saved me" He looked at me and said "I have no idea how you are still alive"

You then went on to tell me that because there was a suicide attempt that I would not be eligible for a heart transplant until I was cleared... I asked him how long that could take and he said months... 

He then had them check my heart again to make sure I was not in heart failure...

I then had an appointment with my therapist for the first time..
I like her.. well for what I could tell in 45 minutes..
I told her I feel as if death is all around me... she did not have a comment.. just a stare..

I have gone on with my day as if it was a normal day yet I have to think how many "normal" days have a doctor saying to you; "I have no idea how you are still alive"

FEELING NUMB...

Since my attempt of suicide on the night of September 15th my friends and family have lost three people to suicide... the first was exactly one month to the date and it hit my mom more that it hit myself... I can still remember her telling me and her voice cracking.  I had no idea why she was as upset as she was.. until she told me it had been exactly one month..

The second was a young boy, 14 years old from my daughters school..  for some reason in the back of my mind I knew there would be another one... Once there is a suicide in a school there always seems to be a ripple effect..

Then I received the call... a call that I still cannot believe..
Three people in 44 days... forty-four days!!  This is just people that I know... there are people out there that I do not know... people who are hurting and see no other way out.

I have to say being on this end of it...
I feel shock, I feel disbelief, I feel bad for the wrong that I did in the past, I feel as if sitting here typing is doing no one good accept me.. It is my one coping skill that has helped me through so much... But I feel empty and numb...

Knowing what I know... I know that a person is so far gone and only God and this person knows their heart and mind at this time... So do not judge someone who has committed suicide... What the world needs if more people building others up not breaking them down.

YET ANOTHER CHANCE AT LIFE...

As I look back at my life it is incredible how many times I should have, could have, would have died.... yet He had other plans...

When I was younger around first grade I was in a car accident... a drunk driver hit the truck I was in and it flipped five times stopping upside down.  I crawled out the back window with my eyes closed.  Even though my eyes were closed I could see a light.. I followed the light as I grew closer and closer the light became brighter and brighter.  I felt someone grab me and immediately after hearing a loud crash... The tailgate of the truck came crashing down if it were not for the person who grabbed me the tailgate would have came crashing down upon me... No one on the scene including police, ambulance, fire and many witnesses seen anyone grab me.. I know in my heart that I was grabbed by my angel..

In 1999 I found out I was pregnant... I would be in the hospital seven times before giving birth in 2000 with complications... My daughter would be born healthy as can be..
In 2005 I left work because I could not keep anything down including water, I would be diagnosed with ViralCardiomyothopy which is a virus that attacked my heart, they checked everything and it all looked great accept the heart muscle itself.  I had a EF level of 13 (the normal is 65-70) I was given a pacemaker/defibrillator.  I was told that I would need a heart transplant in five years (2010) and it would only last five years (2015) and that I would be dead in ten years (2015). As of this time I am "too healthy" to be put on the transplant list.

In 2007 I needed my gallbladder out, the anesthesiologist came in minutes before the surgery and said; "You cannot have this surgery your heart is too weak you will die on the table!" My mom and grandmother were present I remember looking up and each of them,  their faces were one of terror, one told me "We are Irish and we fight" and the other said "God is in control" as they stood there in terror I felt a peace that I cannot explain...

2014 I decided to take my own life by taking 250 pills, I was told by the hospital that if it were not for my pacemaker I would have been dead...  The amount of heart pills I took my blood pressure should have been 0/0.

I believe everyone of us are on this earth for a reason, some of us know what that reason is, some of us want to know what that reason is so bad it hurts.. and some of us do not even believe that we could even be worthy enough to have a reason to live....

WHAT I WOULD HAVE MISSED...

As my daughter prepared for her choir concert last... the first for the season I became very stressed and agitated... I did everything I had learned in group therapy... I tried all of my coping skills... taking in deep breaths, getting fresh air, writing, drawing the list goes on and on... yet I could not shake this feeling of uneasiness...
So what did I do?!  I went to bed... yes one of the no no's... I did not know what else to do.. so I took a short nap only an hour..

The anxiety grew and grew as I drove and we grew closer and closer to the Church where so was performing... when we entered she went one way and I went into the Church...
I took my journal and was writing for a while when all of a sudden I just stopped and looked around.. it was a beautiful Church.. With high ceilings and beautiful windows all through out... the windows were even as high as the peak of the Church... there was a beautiful cross that stood above the altar and above that was a stain glass window that I just started at in awe...

I sat there through the concert and heard so many amazing groups waiting for my daughter to take the stage... she was one of the last groups to sing...
As she took the stage all of the anxiety and stress just flowed off of me as if it was being melted of me as wax glides off of a candle that is lit.
I could not take my eyes off of her... she sang three songs with her group and then returned to the stage at the end of the concert to sing a beautiful song... "May the Road Rise Up to Meet You..." as she sang she turned and sang to me... she was looking right into my eyes...

I realized today that a part of my stress was the fact that I could have missed this... my daughters first performance.  All because of a decision that was mine and not "His"..
I have heard Father talk for the last three weeks in his homilies about our taking me out of the equation and making it His...
There are so many things I could have missed that have happened in the past month..
She has a boyfriend (her second), her stories about school, her ups and her downs, her laughter, her tears, her smile...

Yes there are days that I struggle but just as a cross country runner has to jump the hurdles I too must make my way over the hurdles that are my struggles in daily life...
The struggles are apart of life and each time I feel too weak to make my way over a hurdle I remind myself that it is not about "me"...
I was not put on this earth as a loner... I was made by my creator and He has never left me....
Even in the darkest hour He was my light... even when I believed that I was so alone there was no way out.. He was there holding my hand...
I am reminded of the song "Oh no You never let go..."
Because although Our God is a gentlemen and does not force Himself into anyone's life He will not let go once you let Him in... and that is amazing...
Think of how many people in your life that has walked out when it has gotten "too uncomfortable" or "Too hard"  It is pretty amazing to have a man as strong and powerful on my side as He is!!

I am so Thankful that He gave me yet another chance to live...

THREE WEEKS.... AND THE NEVER ENDING BANQUET TABLE

I was running late something that I hardly ever do and something that I do not like to do...
So a little added stress... As we entered the parking lot we ended up having to park on the lawn due to no parking spaces...
I looked at the clock and it was 4:57 we had three minutes before Mass began...
We entered to  hear the amazing Worship music that greats up every Sunday and the Deacon's smiling face...
I was stressed because I always sit in the same spot,,, I know we do not have assigned seats yet I feel at home in my own seat...
As I made my way around the corner with my daughter following me I seen our spot wide open as if God had said "Here you go daughter, Breathe, sit down and listen"
You know that sound "How He loves us" I felt as if I could sing "Oh How He Knows Me"
which is so very true...
The opening song caught me... as if it was being sung just for me...
Then I felt a presence and looked over it was our priest.. He shook my hand and said; "Three weeks" with a huge smile on his face... that smile that our priest is known for... it is a contagious smile...
I had so many emotions and questions in my mind... Wow it has been three weeks.. I cannot believe he knew that before I did.. what an amazing man of God.... I have made it through a storm and have came out tired, but found myself covered in the blood of Jesus....

At Mass I seen something amazing...
No I am not hallucinating... As father held up the Eucharist I closed my eyes as I always do and there it was...
A long table... a never ending table and as I looked closer and closer to the head of the table I seen my grandma and her mother with Christ...
What an amazing sign from God in His home that my great grandma and grandma are together in Heaven with Christ..
This made me so happy that tears ran down my face...

A MONTH LATER TO THE DAY...

As I came home from group tonight, I was in a great mood... I have learned so much and have noticed a difference in the way I act and react...
My mom listened to so much I had to say and then she took a deep breathe and said "I have some news.. this morning ____ found his son dead".
My first reaction was to cry... although I never met his son I knew of his father.. he was so sweet when my grandma passed away and even got up and said some very sweet things about her...
I told my mom to let me know what the arrangement were and she paused...
I did not know why she was acting so weird...
She said she was worried about me.. I did not understand.. then she told me why...
I had tried to commit suicide a month ago on this very day... my mom would have found me this morning if it were not for so many things...

It did not hit me till I was out to dinner with my daughter, but I tried to keep my mind of it....

When I got home I called my mom and I began to cry... you know that cry that is so hard to do because you have the lump in your throat...
So many things were going through my head...
I am upset because:
I am alive because I am suppose to help others see the warnings...
BUT I did not know him enough to know he was going through anything so that was not it..
I went through a few things before it hit me...
It could have been me a month ago... My family and friends could have been going through this a month ago.. I was so close to death that I could feel its breathe on me..
I remember when the ambulance came to get me I looked down at my feet and they were blue...
BUT this is not about me...
This is about a young man who did not want to live anymore and the people in his life who are spending so much time going over it in their heads... wondering what they could have done... I am telling you the answer is nothing... when someone is that far gone there is no talking them out of it... I had an amazing friend talking to me the whole time I was taking my pills and I was telling her what I knew she wanted to hear...

All I can say now is Thank God we have a Merciful God who knows his heart and his state of mind at the time...
Please do not judge... you never walked in his shoes
Please do not be negative... what we need is positives in our lives...

I send my love, prayers and thoughts to the family

My prayer for the future is that we become more aware of the early warning signs and become a community of awareness...  Until that day I pray we keep our eyes and ears open.

FORGIVENESS.... SO MANY PEOPLE TO ASK... BUT THE HARDEST ONE YET....

I began asking people for forgiveness and trying to explain to them that I was not "myself". Yet I believe a lot of them mostly distant family and people who were not friends to begin with believed I was using that as an excuse... I am Blessed to have the majority of my family who knew me and knew that this was not me and knew exactly what happened and know It is not an excuse..

My Church family has been amazing... and many who do not even know me have been so understandable..

BUT I had to apologize to someone who had been with me through it all... Through the good, the bad and the darkest of the dark...
To the one who I know I hurt the most, more than my daughter, more than my mother, more than anyone...

Going before this person made me so nervous, so anxious, please do not get me wrong this person is so understandable but I know how much I have hurt them....
I was more nervous than you could imagine...
More nervous than I was when I received my first ticket and had to tell my parents...
More nervous the night my mom found out I had an alcoholic drink and I was not of age...
More nervous than I was to tell my grandma that I was going to have a baby and I was not married...(Just a hint I was so scared to do that... I had my mom tell her..)
More nervous than I have ever been when coming to this wonderful person...

I was going to ask God for forgiveness...
Now I can hear some of you now saying.. You know you were forgiven... but I have to say, this was something so huge; I had made a choice to take my own life... to end God's creation before HE decided it was time.. Before He had seen me Thrive...

All my life I have picked up my cross and laid it back down... He had not seen me carry my Cross the way I was made to...

It was the first Friday in October and my parish was having Adoration and Confession...
I walked in with my daughter a little after seven with the hope that they would have already started... I was so anxious... some people knew what I had done and I had convinced myself that they would be full of judgement (which none of them were) this was making me anxious... So anxious I was trying not to talk myself out of going.
As I walked in with my daughter I did not see anyone that I knew...
Then He entered the room and was presented on the Altar...
It was announced that there was a priest that was there for confession and many began to get up but I was frozen... I could not move... I was in need of time with the Lord... Time for the two of us to just be together... even though there were many people in the Church it was just me and my Lord...
I had no watch, no phone, no way of telling time... I just was in the moment...  I felt it was time to get up and go get in line.. God planned it out just right I was the last Confession..
The priest that was there that night was not the parish priest he was a stranger to me yet it felt as if we had known each other forever...
I confessed my attempt of suicide and I could see the look on his face was one of surprise... and I continued with my confession... Before he finished up he asked if he could pray with me... I was not going to pass that up. I cannot remember the words but I knew in that moment I was in the presence of the Lord...
As I turned away and walked back to my seat I seen a few people I knew and one of them held my hand in passing...
As the Deacon took the monstrance down the isles I felt the need to bow and look in awe He was there with me.. He was letting me know that He would never leave me...

I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU:

I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND YOU OPEN IT
I AM HAPPY TO COME IN AND LET YOU FEEL THE LOVE THAT I HAVE FOR YOU

THERE ARE TIMES IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME
YET I HAVE NEVER LEFT YOU

IN THOSE TIMES YOU FELT ALONE
I WAS WITH YOU

IN THOSE TIMES THAT YOU FELT DARKNESS
I WAS YOUR LIGHT

IN THOSE TIMES THAT YOU FELT SADNESS
I WIPED YOUR TEARS

IN THOSE TIMES WHEN YOU FELT YOU COULD NO LONGER LIVE
I KEPT YOU ALIVE

YOU ARE MADE FOR GREATER THINGS
YOU ARE MADE FOR GREATNESS
YOU ARE MADE FOR SO MUCH

HOW DO I KNOW

I MADE YOU FOR GREAT THINGS
I MADE YOU FOR GREATNESS
I MADE YOU FOR SO MUCH

IF YOU COULD SEE YOURSELF THE WAY I SEE YOU..
YOU WOULD ALWAYS SEE THE GOOD IN YOURSELF AND IN ALL

By: Tina Kay Plumb

FLASHBACKS FACEBOOK AND PROOF

My mom had told me that I had said and did so many things that were not pleasant but I did not believe her...
Yet all of that would be changed very quickly... too quickly...
When I was released my mom took me to her home I was still very weak and she took care of Christina and I....
I could barely walk up the stares I had no strength in me...
I wanted to wash my hair so I went and got the shampoo and a towel... As I approached the sink I noticed the window was open... and I could hear the traffic from the expressway... I immediately thought of something horrible I said to my daughter.. Something I would never say to her... yet I did... That flashback was just the beginning of a wave of memories of things that I said... I was never physically abusive to her but words can be just as bad... As we sat down at dinner I remember I told my mom that I would give her temp custody...

Then I opened up my computer... went on facebook and for some reason I went on my home page and there was so many post that stunned me... Post I do not remember posting... Post that were so shockingly not like me that embarrassed me... I begin to delete them as fast as I could as if that would erase their existence... yet they had been there for a while and had been seen by many, the damage was already done...

I began sending out apologies and tried to explain that it was not me... but most people have never been here and do not understand and I believe they think it is just an excuse.  Thank God I had a very wonderful person in my life who when I apologized told me to stop and just take care of me.  This person knew what it was like and understood and has been so understanding... I thank God that I am not alone and I have someone close to me that I can talk to...

I was told that it will take time to heal the wounds that I have created, and I was also told that I have apologized and now it is up to the person to accept it or not but I have done what I could...
If I could go back in time I would change it .... But as we all know there is not a time machine... there is not a button that says change past....

I am truly sorry to all that I hurt either through my words or my actions...
I am working on getting better everyday...
For now I am working on me and getting better for my daughter who is my life and my world

Why have I chosen to write out my details?
Simple if one person reads this and can relate maybe just maybe they will get some help before it is too late...
PLEASE DO NOT WAIT TO GET HELP
PLEASE DO NOT STOP ANY OF YOUR MEDICINE WITHOUT A DOCTORS OKAY
PLEASE DO NOT BE AFRAID TO GET HELP IT IS OKAY YOU ARE WORTH IT!

DAY SIX... SEVEN CENTRAL DISCHARGE AND SCARED

Tuesday came along just like any other day....
Breakfast, came early and fast...
Then rules... again the same ones EVERYDAY, yet there were some extra ones today because it was visitor day!!!
Activity for the woman was full of student nurses I think there were more of them then us...
Then group at this point I began to pick up on people and the way they acted towards other people... I guess I was becoming more like "Tina" it was hard to see people want the floor and everyone to pay attention during their time then when it was up they would fall asleep or get up and leave... I was the last person to talk...
There were very few people in the room and I said "I wish the new people did not get up and leave because when I first came in here I hated my mom, I blamed everything on her and now I realize that she was protecting my daughter from a very mean person that I had become..."
Lunch was served and right before visiting hours I was called in to see the doctor...
She said; "You do not want to go to group" and I interupted her and said "What do you think I should do?" She said "I believe it would be good for you, it is a step-down from here and you would not be going home with nothing" I then agreed to do it saying "you are the expert" She then said the words I never thought I would hear "Well if you agree you can be released today!"
My mom came at 2:00 to visit me and at 2:34 I was released, I left quick and only said good-bye to only a few because it was sad...
I walked out of the hospital with no shoes on... just my hospital socks...
As I stood outside waiting for my mom to pull the car up I just stood there breathing in the fresh air... it was the most amazing feeling in the world..
Fresh air.. what we take for granted until it is taken away from us...
What I did not know was I was about to be shaken alive and what I would learn was not good....

DAY 5 ON SEVEN CENTRAL... PSYCH FLOOR

Monday .... Oh Monday...
I thought you would be a normal day... well as close to normal as we could get on a psych floor... but BOY did you have surprise for me....

"BREAKFAST" Was yelled loud as cold be as usual..... followed by the rules... the same rules EVERYDAY!!!!  Then the day continued with activity with the girls while the men had their group... activity was fun filled and full of student nurses who loved to pick your brain and ask you a million questions... but as I learned from when I was in once with my a issue with my heart they have to learn some how...
You could not hide from them they would FIND you...
So between groups they would have their questions that they had to ask you so today felt as if I was being attacked with questions... the same ones I had answered a million times... well maybe not that much...

I had been on new medicine now for a while and I had been eating so I felt more like me... So when we started group it was hard for me, to I listen to people tell their stories I would forget about mine and want to help... I still do and am reminded that I have to focus on me for a while...
After group and before lunch the doctor wanted to see me and she mentioned me going to a program that was from 8:00 in the morning till 3:00 in the afternoon she described it as a group program... I told her I did not want to go because hearing other people's problems and stories made me sad and this was true.. so she said what she had been saying "we will see how you do tomorrow"  when other were talking about discharge I did not even think about it... I did not want to get my hopes up just to be told "one more day" or "one more week" which I had heard from other people up there.

Lunch came and then it started to happen... people started to go home... the same people who had helped me feel comfortable, gave me hints, heard my story and encouraged me all began to be discharged... This was hard... not because I was jealous I was happy for them I was sad because I had become friends with some amazing people that understood this darkness that I had seen because they themselves had been there too.

By evening there were more men then there were woman and that was strange...
There were new people coming up and taking their places but it was not the same...
No one tells you that the ones who help you the most will be ripped away from you without warning...
I think about them so much and wonder if they are on the right path... if they have a support group to fall back on... if they are lonely... if they are okay...

I pray everyday at lunch that God will protect and watch over all of us and keep up safe and help keep us on the right path... I pray that we will see each other again but not up there... in a restaurant or a store out among "the others"

DAY 4... SEVEN CENTRAL.... PSYCH FLOOR

Day four in my own prison full of people who had their own issues...some were there because they knew they were spiraling down and volunteered and others were there because they were made... I fell in that category of; you have no choice, yet they wanted you to be there to help yourself... I finally was grasping that.
An important part of this journey for me was I did not want my daughter to know what I did, I wanted to explain it to her in person...
Yet when I called home I was informed that she "overheard" and knew... I felt as if a part of my heart was ripped out of me... as if any progress I had made was erased.
I remember asking to speak with her and apologizing and her telling me "Mama, it is okay" that is her "thing" my thing is apologizing.  I guess that is why her thing is saying it is okay...
I told her it was NOT okay and no one should ever do what I did.  I began to cry and could not speak anymore so I tried to tell her I loved her and then asked for my mom...

Sunday was a different type of day because they were working on switching something over in the hospital so that meant a Black out from 8:30-7:00.  So before anyone could yell "breakfast" there was this horrible smell coming through the vents... I have seen many movies on the Holocaust and I would never ever compare my life to anything that they went through... Yet as I smelled this weird smell I envisioned the trains they would put the people on and gas them... I had to get out of that room... It is weird how your mind will work when you have nothing to do but think...
Everyone smelled the same smell, it turned out it was diesel from the generators that were powering the important computers and machines in the hospital...

Breakfast was being served when the power went out... so that meant if you needed to go to the restroom you went in the dark, they suggested that you kept your bathroom door open for light but what if someone walked in to your room?!?!?!  The nurses all had tiny flashlights and we did get a radio that ran on batteries.... Talk about strange being in the hospital and hearing Miley Cyrus singing "We Can't Stop" ... seriously!!! With the power being out that meant no water machine, no ice machine, no coffee... What was suppose to be a outage till seven at night turned out to be a small one... the lights were back on around three.

When the lights did come back on they kept the kitchen open the whole time I guess as a reward because we did so good with no power....

Monday would be a hard day... a lot of people that I became friends with would be discharged and although I was happy for them it was hard...

DAY 3.... SEVEN CENTRAL.... THE PSYCH FLOOR....

Visitor's day:
There is something that you need to know before I even begin this day...
My mom, in my mind she was the worst person in the world... I did not want to talk to her, I did not want to see her, I even went so far as to tell the nurses that when she called they were to tell her NOTHING!!!
I was still seeing her as taking my daughter away from me... If you can imagine a human brain more than half of the left side... I am talking about even coming down to the right ear just heard the word take... then what was left which was not much would try and tell me it was temporary... it was as if there was a very small part of me still alive in this mind that had been taken over by hatefulness and yes even evilness...
I was told by my caseworker that she believed I should hear my mom out so I called the night before (Friday night) and asked her to come up...

Saturday started as the others did...
BREAKFAST being called out in the hallways... I was not used to this early wake-up at all
Then the rules today was different because there were visitors so we were told some new rules that were about them and what we could do and mostly what we could not do...
For example my visitor was not allowed to see where I slept... they had to stay in one of the two lounges.
My mom came in with some candy, (I was so excited about the because the medicine gave me dry mouth)... some clothes from home (I was finally able to take a shower and get dressed in my own clothes) and some other things.
I do not know how my mom felt about being there, having her belongings locked up, having to be checked with a metal detector, she did not talk about it... she just held my hand as I told her about different people that scared me and others that had helped me... She wanted to meet my roommate but she was laying down....
It was an hour long but it felt as if she was there for fifteen minutes... It was hard to give her a hug and have her go...
On Saturday there was no group because the social workers were not there...
It was a long day... I spent most of my time in the smaller lounge also known as the "sport's lounge" because less people were in there and I liked the silence...
We were told that Sunday there would be no visitors because there would be no power from 8:00- 7:00 so they were going around giving out all the pop-cycles they had... I still was not in the mood to eat...
I think it was dinner I had a fruit cocktail and it tasted so good... I would be able to eat after that.
Saturday was hard because you are there all day long BUT it does not count for any time that you are there.... So if you were to sign the seventy-two hour sheet (which I did not) You did not get any credit for Saturday or Sunday.
Saturday evening there was a gentlemen named rev. James that came up to talk to us...
He was so very nice, as the storm hit outside and we were under a sever thunderstorm warning we spoke with him, the group was small maybe six...
He quoted the Bible verse "If God is with us than who can be against us"
My roommate and myself spoke about how it was God who brought us together...
After speaking with him, he came over shook my hand and told me that I was made for greatness!
I am sure I am not alone with this... when someone gives me a compliment I think "If you only knew"
I met some amazing people in that room that evening... I realized that these people were just like me... some were there because they could not afford their medicine and stopped it or stopped it because they began to feel better and thought "I do not need it anymore" NEVER STOP YOUR MEDICINE WITHOUT YOUR DOCTOR'S APPROVAL!!
Some where there because of alcohol or drugs, some where suicide attempts, some were there because they knew ahead of time to get help before it went that far and some were in bad relationships... the list goes on and on... the point is I believed that I was not like "those people" and I was wrong... I actually have never in my life met more sincere, honest and caring people in my life...

DAY 2: PSYCH WARD... AKA SEVEN CENTRAL..

After a long night.. one of me crying most of the night to my grandma to please help me and to God to please forgive me... I met my new roommate... Due to confidentially I cannot go into much detail but I do have to say that she helped me A LOT!!  She sang to me an old Gospel hymn and I knew that God had put me in that room for a reason..
The song went like this:
Come in the room, Come in the room, Jesus is my doctor He writes all my Scriptures He gives me all of my medicine in the room...
I am so Thankful for her...  The next morning was hard, my first full day..
I could hear someone calling out "Breakfast" I got up and went and received my tray and sat down but the smell of it made me so sick that I went back to the room...
Then about thirty minutes later I heard a loud voice I knew I better get up... it was a man who was going over the rules.. (the same ones everyday) I was in the corner wrapped up in blankets still scared to death...
People were making jokes and laughing and I just did not know why or how they could be laughing in this place...
After he was done it was time to get to work... You were encouraged to get dressed and walk around in your own clothes but I did not have any and visiting day was on Saturday and this was Friday... So I walked around in the hospital gown and lots of blankets.
The next thing I knew it was activity time...
There was Motown music and making bracelets and for a second I forgot where I was... I remembered my mom singing these songs when I was younger... the Temptations, the Four tops and so much more... I was doing great until a woman spoke up and said "It makes you forget where you are doesn't it" and just like a snap I was back to reality.
When it was over we had a ten minute break and it was time for group...
I heard so many stories... then it was lunch time again I could not eat... I went to my room and asked for my social worker... When she came in I started crying telling her I was not like these people... I did not belong here.. and the weekend was coming up and you do not get credit for Saturday and or Sunday.. I was so frustrated.  She told me to try and relax and try to get better my potassium was 0.  I stayed in bed for the rest of the day.  
I have never prayed so much in my life, I actually was praying to my grandma more than God.  I was begging her to give me her strength because I did not know how I was going to do it.  Little did I know she would be with me there and every where I went...

THE 7TH FLOOR.... PSYCH FLOOR.. DO NOT JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER...

DAY ONE:
My room on the fourth floor was right across from the nurses station that meant a few things, one of them was I could hear the nurses talking...
So as it grew time for me to be moved from the fourth floor to the seventh I became very nervous... I guess it was mostly because of those ideas that were placed in my mind from the movies.... For example Shutter Island, Patch Adams and Awakenings...
I remember them telling me my room was available and if you know anything about hospitals you are not immediately taken to your room it is hours before you are moved,... So that allowed my mind to think about how horrible it was going to be and this made me more and more terrified about the "move".
I remember the nice young man who came to get me, I had not eaten in days, just the smell of food made me sick and whenever they gave me medicine I gagged (I still do).  I guess that is one of the "side effects" of overdosing.  I was taken from my room to the seventh floor by wheelchair... I was given my belongings which were not many in a bag and I remember clutching onto it as if it was the last item I would ever see.
As I was wheeled up to seven central also known as the psych floor I cannot describe the terror that I was feeling....
I remember the elevator door opening and he wheeled me in back wards and as that huge glass door closed shut my first thought was; "this must be what prison feels like"...
I was taken to my room (everyone had a roommate) my room number was 770 the last room in the place at the end of this long hallway... The room next to me was a man... I thought to myself "Why are there men and woman so close to each other why are they not separated?"  The young man who brought me up to the floor gave me a tour of the place.  As he showed me the Kitchen that was basically a ice machine, water and coffee machine that was only open during certain times of the day... Then there was a large lounge filled with many people playing cards, and some watching TV.  then there was a woman's shower and a men's shower the rule that I liked the best was one person at a time in the shower.... there was a laundry room that was locked at all times... all the rooms were locked at all times accept the two lounges and the kitchen that had certain hours.
I remember him asking me were I wanted to go and I replied "to my room please" I was terrified of the laughing in the lounges and the people walking the halls,... As I sat in the room I looked at the emptiness...
There was what they call a box bed with no support at all there was a book case but all the doors were taken off and the hinges were removed... there was a waste basket but had a paper bag no plastic was allowed.  The window was unable to open  and within the two window pains were blinds what I was not able to close along with the blinds were a metal cage.... As I stared out the window I once again wondered if this was what prison was like.

I felt the need to get out of the wheel chair and go to the window... the sun was setting and as I stared at it I wondered if my daughter was looking at the same sunset,,,,
I soon got very tired and had to sit back down....

After sitting there and feeling sorry for myself I wheeled myself out in the hallway.... there I met some woman who were very friendly... They welcomed me and protected me from the few men who were trying to get attention... As I sat there they began telling me why they were there and even some great tips...
1.) DO NOT give away your food... This was a big one that I learned... The first couple days I could not eat and I just left it on table but after five days of no food the patients were more concerned then the nurse and or doctors.
When I could eat there were many that would ask "can I have" and or "are you gonna eat that"
2.)  Make sure you get an extra drink when the kitchen was open for night time because when the kitchen was closed not many nurses would open it for you.
3) Watch out for "_____" He is a homeless man who has been here for four months,  Every time it comes time for him to go home he falls flat on the ground so they will let him stay.  I asked why and they said think about it....He has a warm shower, three meas a day plus snacks, warm bed and TV.
4) Oh yes and the schedule... it was not a time for rest and or laziness you were there to get help and you were to go to group sessions...
        A) 7:00-7:45 Breakfast
        B) 8:00 Rules  this was the same everyday... the same rules read over and over
        C) 8:15- 8:30 Make out menus
        D) 9:00-10:00 Activity for the woman group for men
        E) 11:00-12:00 Woman Group and Activity for Men
        F) 12:00-12:45 Lunch
        G)  2:00  Education
        H) 5:00 Supper
         I) Activity (bingo for example and if there was candy the more people played)
        J) 8:30 Snack Could be a sandwich with juice or peanut-butter with crackers
        K) 11:00 TV's OFF
My first night I did not get to bed till 11:30 because they changed my room.  I needed a bed were the head of the bed would come up... Now before you go thinking it was a regular hospital bed it was not.... They had to crank it up by hand... I had never seen such a thing...
Another thing I had never seen was so much dirt in a hospital... The socks they gave me were black within an hour after they gave me...I guess they figured we were all to out of it to realize that we deserved a clean floor.
*Wow this has taken me back to a pace that I pray I never go again and I pray that the reader never has to go. I pray that my testament helps someone...
I beg you, do not wait for help... There is nothing wrong with getting help!

SUICIDE AND THE GIRL WHO LIVED TO TELL OTHERS

As I began to write this post I almost started a new blog, yet as I looked at the title I realized "My life the ups and downs" was just where this belonged.  That is because part of this story is where I hit rock bottom... I know I have written about hitting the bottom before but this is as Axl Rose would say "Knocking on Heaven's Door" bottom.

With the loss of my Grandma in January, my dog in March and adding on top of that not taking one of anti-depressants for about seven days.  I became a person that no one recognized...
I was coping well.... I guess... then the roller coaster began....
Attention all keep your hands in and buckle your seat belt we are about to go a journey that this writer hopes and prays you never have to experience.  One that she is sharing only to hep you understand, one that is so dark that death was looking her right in the eyes.

Monday night Sept 6th around 6 p.m. I decided that my life was to end.  Yes I was to end my life and no one would have a say in it. As a matter of fact a friend of mine asked me if I was okay and at the same time I began to take pills a hand full at a time.  100 of this kind, 75 of this kind, 40 of another and 9 to finish it off.  Life was not worth living in my mind my daughter was being taken away from me (which was not true, I had convinced myself to be true) and on top of that she did not want to be with me.  So what was the point?!?!
As I laid in bed waiting for death to take over a rush came over, a rush that can only be explained as fire.  It began at my head and worked its way flowing like a wave through my body all they way to my feet.  I remember thinking "Oh Dear God what have I done" then within a half an hour I was vomiting full pills and this continued all night long and into Tuesday morning.
I was staying at my mom's and she new how long I had been sick so she called 911.  When the ambulance showed up and I asked "Do I have to go in?"
I remember the look on their faces... I remember looking at my feet as they were turning blue..

As I got in the ambulance I did not say a word about overdose till we got to the hospital...
That is when I really wished I had not done what I did...
There was no need to pump my stomach due to that fact that I had been throwing up for over twelve hours... their concern was kidney and liver failure.  So I had to drink charcoal... This Thick charcoal, why;  because the charcoal would get all the chemicals out of my organs.  I could not drink it so they put a tube in my nose down into my throat.  A procedure she said would take two minutes took so much longer because the charcoal is thick.... I ended up NOT keeping that down and had to dink more...
When I was in the ER my friend Molly left work early and came to sit with me and my mom.  My priest also came up to see me... I remember I cried as each of them walked in.  I had convinced myself that no one care if I were gone and here were people coming in to see me and check on me.
I had to stay on the fourth floor before going to seven central.  I was not allowed to have a phone, garbage bag, gloves, ect.  so many things that you find in a normal room were taken out because I was a suicide risk.  I also had a sitter 24 hrs the whole time I was on the floor.  No one was allowed to come and see me and or call about me.

After poison control had cleared me I was on my way up to Seven Central also known as the psych floor...
A terrifying time for me....
One that you will learn more about soon...

Things I have learned:
*NEVER go off your medicine unless ordered by a doctor.
*When a person starts to isolate themselves from others that is a HUGE red flag
*When a person's personality changes BIG time that is another red flag
*Depression and Anxiety needs to be addressed more, it is an illness and people need to be informed!