I write this for anyone who has loosed a loved on and or friend from suicide, please do not blame yourself and think "If I was there.." If you were there you would have witnessed it.. the following is to show you that even if you were present the person would have done it anyway... I write this with love and from my experience...
I have often wondered why I am still alive, what did the big man up there have in store for me? In the past fifty days I have experienced six loses and three of them have been suicides.. In my heart I have felt their pain, I have seen the sadness on a mothers face as she sits in utter belief, I have seen the tears roll down a grown mans face as he tried to talk about his best friend, I have seen classmates walk with the blank stare in their face in disbelief, The father who lost his best-friend ...
God has allowed me to see both sided of suicide and I am now able to share with you what is actually happening in the mind of a person who is about to take away God's greatest gift... Life..
So what is happening in the mind of one who is about to kill themselves?
A pain and darkness that makes them feel so alone they have no other way out...
NO they have no other way out! You could be sitting right next to them and show them all the beautiful days of their life and all they would see is the darkness... .
The darkness that your mind spirals into is a darkness that one could only describe as a pit one bar above hell... The only difference between the darkness you are in and hell is there is no fire. You hear all of your past mistakes and sometimes even relive them in you mind step by step... You hear all of the nasty and negative words people have ever called you and things you have called yourself.. You believe these things because if you were smart you would have never made the mistakes that you had just relived..
A person in this state will start to become very mean;
Physically, verbally, and emotionally...
I broke so many things, it was as if a volcano was erupting and I did not know what else to do... Before I overdosed I knew I was leaving this earth and I deleted almost everyone off of my facebook.. I had over 400 friends and took it down to 67.. I went off on family members with mean hateful words that can only heal over time.. The things I said to my mom and daughter were things I wish I could forget, even though that would not heal the wound...
It was as if my mind was preparing the world to hate me so they would not mourn me..
They would be too busy being pissed off at me.
As I sat in my mom's guest room and finished taking the 250 pills I did pray to my grandma..
I asked her to help me, that I did not want to live here anymore and I just wanted to go home (heaven)...
The point is that not once did I think about my 14 year old daughter who did not have a father in her life.. I only thought about getting out of this world.
When a person is in that deep in the darkness there is no talking them out of it... there is no reasoning, they are not thinking clearly...
They did not mean to hurt you and all the mean and hateful things they may have done before was not intentional either.
It is upsetting to hear "that is a cowards way" or "they did it for attention"
No this is an illness, one that the world needs to pay a lot more attention to...
BUT WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS:
They did love you and they did not mean to hurt you.
I pray my words helped you understand that you are not at fault, you actually gave them some of the best years of their life... it was the illness that took over at the end.
My prayers and will you all.
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