As I came home from group tonight, I was in a great mood... I have learned so much and have noticed a difference in the way I act and react...
My mom listened to so much I had to say and then she took a deep breathe and said "I have some news.. this morning ____ found his son dead".
My first reaction was to cry... although I never met his son I knew of his father.. he was so sweet when my grandma passed away and even got up and said some very sweet things about her...
I told my mom to let me know what the arrangement were and she paused...
I did not know why she was acting so weird...
She said she was worried about me.. I did not understand.. then she told me why...
I had tried to commit suicide a month ago on this very day... my mom would have found me this morning if it were not for so many things...
It did not hit me till I was out to dinner with my daughter, but I tried to keep my mind of it....
When I got home I called my mom and I began to cry... you know that cry that is so hard to do because you have the lump in your throat...
So many things were going through my head...
I am upset because:
I am alive because I am suppose to help others see the warnings...
BUT I did not know him enough to know he was going through anything so that was not it..
I went through a few things before it hit me...
It could have been me a month ago... My family and friends could have been going through this a month ago.. I was so close to death that I could feel its breathe on me..
I remember when the ambulance came to get me I looked down at my feet and they were blue...
BUT this is not about me...
This is about a young man who did not want to live anymore and the people in his life who are spending so much time going over it in their heads... wondering what they could have done... I am telling you the answer is nothing... when someone is that far gone there is no talking them out of it... I had an amazing friend talking to me the whole time I was taking my pills and I was telling her what I knew she wanted to hear...
All I can say now is Thank God we have a Merciful God who knows his heart and his state of mind at the time...
Please do not judge... you never walked in his shoes
Please do not be negative... what we need is positives in our lives...
I send my love, prayers and thoughts to the family
My prayer for the future is that we become more aware of the early warning signs and become a community of awareness... Until that day I pray we keep our eyes and ears open.
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