Day four in my own prison full of people who had their own issues...some were there because they knew they were spiraling down and volunteered and others were there because they were made... I fell in that category of; you have no choice, yet they wanted you to be there to help yourself... I finally was grasping that.
An important part of this journey for me was I did not want my daughter to know what I did, I wanted to explain it to her in person...
Yet when I called home I was informed that she "overheard" and knew... I felt as if a part of my heart was ripped out of me... as if any progress I had made was erased.
I remember asking to speak with her and apologizing and her telling me "Mama, it is okay" that is her "thing" my thing is apologizing. I guess that is why her thing is saying it is okay...
I told her it was NOT okay and no one should ever do what I did. I began to cry and could not speak anymore so I tried to tell her I loved her and then asked for my mom...
Sunday was a different type of day because they were working on switching something over in the hospital so that meant a Black out from 8:30-7:00. So before anyone could yell "breakfast" there was this horrible smell coming through the vents... I have seen many movies on the Holocaust and I would never ever compare my life to anything that they went through... Yet as I smelled this weird smell I envisioned the trains they would put the people on and gas them... I had to get out of that room... It is weird how your mind will work when you have nothing to do but think...
Everyone smelled the same smell, it turned out it was diesel from the generators that were powering the important computers and machines in the hospital...
Breakfast was being served when the power went out... so that meant if you needed to go to the restroom you went in the dark, they suggested that you kept your bathroom door open for light but what if someone walked in to your room?!?!?! The nurses all had tiny flashlights and we did get a radio that ran on batteries.... Talk about strange being in the hospital and hearing Miley Cyrus singing "We Can't Stop" ... seriously!!! With the power being out that meant no water machine, no ice machine, no coffee... What was suppose to be a outage till seven at night turned out to be a small one... the lights were back on around three.
When the lights did come back on they kept the kitchen open the whole time I guess as a reward because we did so good with no power....
Monday would be a hard day... a lot of people that I became friends with would be discharged and although I was happy for them it was hard...
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