My mom had told me that I had said and did so many things that were not pleasant but I did not believe her...
Yet all of that would be changed very quickly... too quickly...
When I was released my mom took me to her home I was still very weak and she took care of Christina and I....
I could barely walk up the stares I had no strength in me...
I wanted to wash my hair so I went and got the shampoo and a towel... As I approached the sink I noticed the window was open... and I could hear the traffic from the expressway... I immediately thought of something horrible I said to my daughter.. Something I would never say to her... yet I did... That flashback was just the beginning of a wave of memories of things that I said... I was never physically abusive to her but words can be just as bad... As we sat down at dinner I remember I told my mom that I would give her temp custody...
Then I opened up my computer... went on facebook and for some reason I went on my home page and there was so many post that stunned me... Post I do not remember posting... Post that were so shockingly not like me that embarrassed me... I begin to delete them as fast as I could as if that would erase their existence... yet they had been there for a while and had been seen by many, the damage was already done...
I began sending out apologies and tried to explain that it was not me... but most people have never been here and do not understand and I believe they think it is just an excuse. Thank God I had a very wonderful person in my life who when I apologized told me to stop and just take care of me. This person knew what it was like and understood and has been so understanding... I thank God that I am not alone and I have someone close to me that I can talk to...
I was told that it will take time to heal the wounds that I have created, and I was also told that I have apologized and now it is up to the person to accept it or not but I have done what I could...
If I could go back in time I would change it .... But as we all know there is not a time machine... there is not a button that says change past....
I am truly sorry to all that I hurt either through my words or my actions...
I am working on getting better everyday...
For now I am working on me and getting better for my daughter who is my life and my world
Why have I chosen to write out my details?
Simple if one person reads this and can relate maybe just maybe they will get some help before it is too late...
PLEASE DO NOT WAIT TO GET HELP
PLEASE DO NOT STOP ANY OF YOUR MEDICINE WITHOUT A DOCTORS OKAY
PLEASE DO NOT BE AFRAID TO GET HELP IT IS OKAY YOU ARE WORTH IT!
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