As I began to write this post I almost started a new blog, yet as I looked at the title I realized "My life the ups and downs" was just where this belonged. That is because part of this story is where I hit rock bottom... I know I have written about hitting the bottom before but this is as Axl Rose would say "Knocking on Heaven's Door" bottom.
With the loss of my Grandma in January, my dog in March and adding on top of that not taking one of anti-depressants for about seven days. I became a person that no one recognized...
I was coping well.... I guess... then the roller coaster began....
Attention all keep your hands in and buckle your seat belt we are about to go a journey that this writer hopes and prays you never have to experience. One that she is sharing only to hep you understand, one that is so dark that death was looking her right in the eyes.
Monday night Sept 6th around 6 p.m. I decided that my life was to end. Yes I was to end my life and no one would have a say in it. As a matter of fact a friend of mine asked me if I was okay and at the same time I began to take pills a hand full at a time. 100 of this kind, 75 of this kind, 40 of another and 9 to finish it off. Life was not worth living in my mind my daughter was being taken away from me (which was not true, I had convinced myself to be true) and on top of that she did not want to be with me. So what was the point?!?!
As I laid in bed waiting for death to take over a rush came over, a rush that can only be explained as fire. It began at my head and worked its way flowing like a wave through my body all they way to my feet. I remember thinking "Oh Dear God what have I done" then within a half an hour I was vomiting full pills and this continued all night long and into Tuesday morning.
I was staying at my mom's and she new how long I had been sick so she called 911. When the ambulance showed up and I asked "Do I have to go in?"
I remember the look on their faces... I remember looking at my feet as they were turning blue..
As I got in the ambulance I did not say a word about overdose till we got to the hospital...
That is when I really wished I had not done what I did...
There was no need to pump my stomach due to that fact that I had been throwing up for over twelve hours... their concern was kidney and liver failure. So I had to drink charcoal... This Thick charcoal, why; because the charcoal would get all the chemicals out of my organs. I could not drink it so they put a tube in my nose down into my throat. A procedure she said would take two minutes took so much longer because the charcoal is thick.... I ended up NOT keeping that down and had to dink more...
When I was in the ER my friend Molly left work early and came to sit with me and my mom. My priest also came up to see me... I remember I cried as each of them walked in. I had convinced myself that no one care if I were gone and here were people coming in to see me and check on me.
I had to stay on the fourth floor before going to seven central. I was not allowed to have a phone, garbage bag, gloves, ect. so many things that you find in a normal room were taken out because I was a suicide risk. I also had a sitter 24 hrs the whole time I was on the floor. No one was allowed to come and see me and or call about me.
After poison control had cleared me I was on my way up to Seven Central also known as the psych floor...
A terrifying time for me....
One that you will learn more about soon...
Things I have learned:
*NEVER go off your medicine unless ordered by a doctor.
*When a person starts to isolate themselves from others that is a HUGE red flag
*When a person's personality changes BIG time that is another red flag
*Depression and Anxiety needs to be addressed more, it is an illness and people need to be informed!
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