I began asking people for forgiveness and trying to explain to them that I was not "myself". Yet I believe a lot of them mostly distant family and people who were not friends to begin with believed I was using that as an excuse... I am Blessed to have the majority of my family who knew me and knew that this was not me and knew exactly what happened and know It is not an excuse..
My Church family has been amazing... and many who do not even know me have been so understandable..
BUT I had to apologize to someone who had been with me through it all... Through the good, the bad and the darkest of the dark...
To the one who I know I hurt the most, more than my daughter, more than my mother, more than anyone...
Going before this person made me so nervous, so anxious, please do not get me wrong this person is so understandable but I know how much I have hurt them....
I was more nervous than you could imagine...
More nervous than I was when I received my first ticket and had to tell my parents...
More nervous the night my mom found out I had an alcoholic drink and I was not of age...
More nervous than I was to tell my grandma that I was going to have a baby and I was not married...(Just a hint I was so scared to do that... I had my mom tell her..)
More nervous than I have ever been when coming to this wonderful person...
I was going to ask God for forgiveness...
Now I can hear some of you now saying.. You know you were forgiven... but I have to say, this was something so huge; I had made a choice to take my own life... to end God's creation before HE decided it was time.. Before He had seen me Thrive...
All my life I have picked up my cross and laid it back down... He had not seen me carry my Cross the way I was made to...
It was the first Friday in October and my parish was having Adoration and Confession...
I walked in with my daughter a little after seven with the hope that they would have already started... I was so anxious... some people knew what I had done and I had convinced myself that they would be full of judgement (which none of them were) this was making me anxious... So anxious I was trying not to talk myself out of going.
As I walked in with my daughter I did not see anyone that I knew...
Then He entered the room and was presented on the Altar...
It was announced that there was a priest that was there for confession and many began to get up but I was frozen... I could not move... I was in need of time with the Lord... Time for the two of us to just be together... even though there were many people in the Church it was just me and my Lord...
I had no watch, no phone, no way of telling time... I just was in the moment... I felt it was time to get up and go get in line.. God planned it out just right I was the last Confession..
The priest that was there that night was not the parish priest he was a stranger to me yet it felt as if we had known each other forever...
I confessed my attempt of suicide and I could see the look on his face was one of surprise... and I continued with my confession... Before he finished up he asked if he could pray with me... I was not going to pass that up. I cannot remember the words but I knew in that moment I was in the presence of the Lord...
As I turned away and walked back to my seat I seen a few people I knew and one of them held my hand in passing...
As the Deacon took the monstrance down the isles I felt the need to bow and look in awe He was there with me.. He was letting me know that He would never leave me...
I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU:
I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND YOU OPEN IT
I AM HAPPY TO COME IN AND LET YOU FEEL THE LOVE THAT I HAVE FOR YOU
THERE ARE TIMES IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME
YET I HAVE NEVER LEFT YOU
IN THOSE TIMES YOU FELT ALONE
I WAS WITH YOU
IN THOSE TIMES THAT YOU FELT DARKNESS
I WAS YOUR LIGHT
IN THOSE TIMES THAT YOU FELT SADNESS
I WIPED YOUR TEARS
IN THOSE TIMES WHEN YOU FELT YOU COULD NO LONGER LIVE
I KEPT YOU ALIVE
YOU ARE MADE FOR GREATER THINGS
YOU ARE MADE FOR GREATNESS
YOU ARE MADE FOR SO MUCH
HOW DO I KNOW
I MADE YOU FOR GREAT THINGS
I MADE YOU FOR GREATNESS
I MADE YOU FOR SO MUCH
IF YOU COULD SEE YOURSELF THE WAY I SEE YOU..
YOU WOULD ALWAYS SEE THE GOOD IN YOURSELF AND IN ALL
By: Tina Kay Plumb
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