It has been a long 45 days... yet as I look back I see that I have grown in a good way... and I also see that I have had five losses in my life... three of them suicides.. each time it has hit me so hard, I know it is not about me but I see through other people's losses how much loss and grief my family would have endured...
Today I went to my cardiologist for the first time.. He entered the room with his assistant and a student, as he looked at the paperwork that awaited him he said "So you were in the hospital... was it for heart failure?" I replied "No, I tried to kill myself" He fell into the chair that was behind him as assistant grabbed her head, he told the student to have a seat... As I was telling him I took 250 pills he said "You took 100 digetec!!! Your digoxin level was over the highest 5.0 I have seen and I have seen patients with a lower level just drop dead and they had a pacemaker just like you" I said "I was told my pacemaker saved me" He looked at me and said "I have no idea how you are still alive"
You then went on to tell me that because there was a suicide attempt that I would not be eligible for a heart transplant until I was cleared... I asked him how long that could take and he said months...
He then had them check my heart again to make sure I was not in heart failure...
I then had an appointment with my therapist for the first time..
I like her.. well for what I could tell in 45 minutes..
I told her I feel as if death is all around me... she did not have a comment.. just a stare..
I have gone on with my day as if it was a normal day yet I have to think how many "normal" days have a doctor saying to you; "I have no idea how you are still alive"
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