If you have not noticed by now I always write reflection when I am jumping ahead in my life and want to write about a current topic.
The current topic is very personal, yet I have noticed in my writing that it helps me deal and understand. Often as I am typing I realize why something has occurred and have a better understanding, almost as if I am looking in from the outside.
If you have not yet realized through my writing my grandmother has passed, it was exactly five months yesterday since her passing. As I go on with my own suffering of loosing not only my grandmother but my best friend I am realizing that everyone deals with death differently, and with a family of seven brothers and sisters total my mom and her siblings are all a mix of different.
Someone once told me after the passing of her son that she could not do anything for a year, because she could not think straight and her therapist told her that people make rash decisions right after a death that they later regret. Yet it was just her, when you have a group of seven grown people and they all have opinions how do you know who is right? Is there even a right answer for anything?
I believe that is were we get ourselves in trouble, we think too much about the person who has passed .... the person who has left all of the material belongs behind... because we do not take things with us when we go.
wow this blog is not going the direction I had intended when I began
This is just another example of when I write and how I am in a place that I cannot explain. Sometimes I will go back and read it and wonder who wrote it...
I am personally at the point on this journey that if my grandma sat on it, touched it, sniffed it or even looked at it... I would like it. I know that material things are not important, I truly do! I just miss her so much that I want a piece of her.... and I cannot physically have that so the material things are the closest.
As I write these words I feel a sense of shame, because I know that these "things" will not bring me comfort, happiness or even an once of her.... but they are small memories that will help me hold on to her.
We are all on different road blocks on this journey of mourning and some of us even took different roads and we will get lost and turn around. Some of us are walking right next to each other, others are screaming for help but no one hears because we are so lost within ourselves that only we can hear the scream.
My prayer is that all these roads lead to one road eventually in life and that is a road of togetherness. We will not ever be the same, because the biggest piece of the family puzzle is gone... but we are the frame of the puzzle and if we can all connect and hold on to each other we can make it through... sometimes the frame will get week because the center is missing but we are a family and we are strong. Strong because she taught us to be strong.
Wondering if this will ever get any better?
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