WAKE UP CALLS FIRST ONE... 1999-2000 WELL MORE THAN ONE...

After Buick city closed down it was planned that us three supervisors would be taken care of by the company next door...  that was a joke.

Just as they went around and took each of us in a room and said that we would be taken from hourly to salary and there where only two positions and whomever took the deduction in pay would get to stay, I found out I was.... PREGNANT!!!
So of course I said yes I would take it!
Later on I would find out that it is illegal to take someone from hourly to salary without changing their position... and since I did not get another title when they did it... it was wrong...

Anyway...

It was about Late May early June and I was living alone in an apartment...
I had just gotten off the phone with the baby's dad after a discussion on how things should go, we had different views on that.
After hanging up the phone I went into the bathroom I was not feeling well at all...
I was bleeding, so I called my mom terrified!
She came over and we called my doctor who told me to right to the ER....

They did an ultrasound (I will spare you the details) and there she was on the screen... I will never forget it, at least I pray I will never forget it!
She looked like a little peanut.. there she was on the screen and she was real!!!
From that moment on there was no doubt in my mind (not that there was in to begin with)

I was in the hospital seven times with complications...
I would move back in with mom and dad because of this....
Kidney stones, dehydration, infections.. I actually lost weight when I was pregnant... I could not keep anything down.  My family was so sweet everyone has their own stories and ways that helped them with sickness...
I tried them all, mints, red Kool aid, some special cookie... to this day I cannot have any of these of I will get sick!

She was a great baby, she had the hiccups all the time, and she still gets them all the time...
I craved milk and Oreo's and it was always around 2 a.m.
My new job was working me 60-75 hours a week... my doctor did not like this at all.
She wrote a letter saying that I could not work over 40 hours, so the supervisor said I would work on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday all ten hour shifts.  I was so upset, but my doctor was beyond mad she called him on the phone and put me out on leave!

My brother was my coach and went to all of the classes with me... he was great.
I went in on February 13th around 9 at night to be induced.
By the next late morning I was ready to go.. He came in and dropped to his knees right next to me...
They had given me a epidural and he was rubbing my arm and he unplugged the line and the medicine was going down my back instead of in the body at one point.
The epidural only made half of my body numb... so when the doctor came in and said that the baby was stuck and we needed to do a c-section I was hysterical.... for many reasons..
1.  I had never had any kind of surgery... I always said if I had a hang nail just let me die I do not want surgery....
2.  She said the epidural would cover any pain and I was only half my body was numb...
3.  I was convinced that the baby could just stay where she was..

My mom went into the operating room with me...
They draped a curtain right above my chest so I could not see, and neither could my mom...
I felt this horrible pain in my chest... I kept telling them I was having a heart attack and I thought in my mind that I was going to die... The nurse kept on telling me that she was watching my heart and everything looked great... but I felt horrible... My doctor told me it was most likely from her pressing on everything inside.

I heard her cry and seen her for a second... and she was gone.

My valentines day gift was a beautiful baby girl... When they gave her to me in recovery she grabbed a hold of my finger and to my heart and has never let go...

Listening to:
Fix My Eyes for KING & COUNTRY
It's Not Over Yet for KING & COUNTRY
Beautiful, Beautiful Francesca Battistelli  
Free to Be Me Francesca Battistelli
This Is the Stuff Francesca Battistelli
Lead Me to the Cross Francesca Battistelli

THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION TO ASK BEFORE STARTING A RELATIONSHIP....

As I go through the details of my life and put them out there for everyone to read, I realize that there are many things that I have learned over the last thirty-eight years of my life....

One of them would have to be that if you live on the bottom level of a apartment you can hear literally everything from upstairs... I write this as I hear the new neighbor vacuuming her carpet and hitting every wall that she can find...

Yet that is not the topic of this blog... although it is annoying me right now... Why would someone vacuum their bathroom floor.... ANYWAY!!!

Time to put the headphones on.... YES!!!

Yes peace.....

My top ten list of things I have learned the Hard way.. leading to "THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION TO ASK BEFORE STARTING A RELATIONSHIP"

10)  WHEN YOU MOTHER SAYS "I PRAY YOU HAVE A CHILD JUST LIKE YOU) IT MEANS YOU WILL HAVE A CHILD JUST LIKE YOU!

09) HIGH SCHOOL COULD BE THE COOLEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE IF YOU COULD RELIVE IT AS AN ADULT.
let's face it high school sucked, at least it did for me and my class is having their 20th year reunion... I am still wondering "Do I really want to put myself through that?"

08) TATTOO"S THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU DO IT!!
Do you really want to be known as the crazy aunt or grandma with all those tats..

07) FAMILY WILL ALWAYS HAVE YOUR BACK... UNLESS THEY HAVE SOMEONE ELSE'S BACK.... 

06)  GUYS WILL ALWAYS PICK THE GIRL OVER FAMILY... WELL AT LEAST THE WIMPY ONES...

05)  A WOMAN WOULD NEVER ASK A MAN TO CHOOSE FAMILY OVER HER... SHE KNOWS THAT FAMILY IS EVERYTHING...

04)  A HUNTER IS NOT ONLY GOOD AT HUNTING FOR ANIMALS BUT HE ALSO IS GOOD AT HUNTING WOMAN...

03)  WOMAN SHOULD NOT BE HUNTED LIKE ANIMALS...

02)  SOCIAL NETWORKING IS NOT A PLACE TO PISS AND MOAN THAT IS WHAT BLOGS ARE FOR...

01) IF YOU DO NOT SHARE THE SAME MORALS AS YOUR PARTNER THE RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED...

SO....
THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION TO ASK BEFORE STARTING A RELATIONSHIP IS...

What religion are you?
Why?
Because if you are not both on the same page... one of you has to bend... and I for one do not want to be the one who bends when it comes to Faith.... Do you?
I found this out the hard way...when my mom asked my daughters dad at her 6th birthday was religion he was and he answered that he was "atheist"...

If you know me you might have read this blog and thought each one was about someone in my family.... yet each one was about me....  just shows how much you know about someone...

Listening too...
It's Not Over Yet.... For King & Country on replay 

6/24/2014: TODAYS HEALTH SCARE

Today as I sat in the booth at Leo's in Flint I looked across the table at my mom and thought to myself; "Is this how I am going to die... here?!"

Today started off with getting my daughter and her friend up early (for summer that is)..
They are helping out at Vacation Bible School at our Church, after I dropped them off I had to meet my mom in Flint.
On the way to the Church I remembered that we forgot to take down the curtains in my daughters room that were too short... So after dropping them off I called my mom and told her I had to run back home.
I came home got them down and off I was..

I was running late so I got on the expressway, thinking of the fastest way.
Yet as I got closer to my exit (miller rd) I began to feel really sick...

The pain that began in my lower stomach began to move into my back and chest...
I remember getting off at my exit and breathing as if I was in labor, trying to get through the pain...
I pulled into Leo's and I have no idea how I walked in but I did... I sat down and was in even more pain.
I asked for some saltine crackers because I had taken a pain med on an empty stomach and thought maybe this was causing it... Yet this pain was so bad.  I have had gallstones and kidney-stones and this was up there.
My mom said lets go I will take you to the Hospital and I looked at her... I needed someone now.
Yet I HATE hospitals... Nothing against anyone who works there, it is just me (and many others)

As I look back what was I thinking.... Sitting there wondering if I could sit it out!!
Mom called 911, and the ambulance was there in no time.
I got in the back of the rig and they took my BP 110/80 good for me...
They hooked me up to a monitor but because I have a pacemaker it only showed that it was working.
I began to feel better, as I sat there and the two ambulance workers were talking about my stats I was going back and forth in my mind about my day...
I had to pick up the girls by noon, he was telling me that my levels had to be checked and rechecked in three hours... I could not do that and I was feeling better.

I told them I was feeling better and I was!  Mom had already went to McLaren, so I had to use his phone to call her.  I went inside ate some more crackers and felt a lot better.

By the time I got the girls I was 100% better!

As I thought about writing this I thought about my mom and how many times she has been scared because of my health.  It is insane the amount of times she has been in the hospital right along side me.  As a mother I could only imagine how scared she must be, today as I looked at her I could see her on the verge of tears.  It must be scary not knowing when...

As I was writing this a little light went of in my head:
Every health scare I have had has been a little (some of them were big) wake up call from the big guy up stairs.  Since I have fallen into a rut and have not been to Church in a couple weeks and was going almost everyday I cannot help but wonder if He is not trying to wake me up...

5/27/2014

I missed Mass due to the fact that I chose to go to a BBQ instead of Church, now the BBQ started at 12:00 (noon) but it was about 45 minutes away from the Church.  So to be honest I cannot say that; "I thought we would be back in time for 5:00 Mass" because that would be a lie.
So this morning I took my daughter to school and drove to Church, as usual I prayed the Act of Hope and Act of Love.... It is often after praying the Act of Love and I am reflecting that I have heard Christ and or seen a vision.

Today after reciting the Act of Hope I went over my sins and knew that I needed to go to Confession.  There was no if's and's or but's about it...  
After I prayed the Act of Love I was told that if a certain Priest was there I would be able to receive Communion because he would hear my Confession afterwards.
Then when our Priest came out I was happy (although he was not the name I heard) he had never told me no when approached for confession.  

As we approached the part of Mass when we say; “Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.” 
I began to pray again as I usually do... and I heard; "You need Confession!"
As everyone began to get up out of their seat to receive Communion I stayed in my pew on my knees in prayer.

As we stood to be dismissed Father asked us to sing, as we ended the song I looked up and he was gone.  I am so Thankful for the God and his guidance, telling me to go to Confession before receiving Communion.
"How humble a soul becomes when it goes to Mass and does not receive the Blessed Sacrament"  TKP 5/27/2014

PART 21: BUICK CITY PART II THE STALKER...

I left you off with the fact that the guy were like my big brothers and often my protectors...
It reminded me of a time when they did protect me.

We had to call Buick when our computers went down, that was always fun (NOT).
Whenever I called I would usually get the same guy, this guy would become a stalker.
I never thought in my lifetime that I would ever have a stalker, I mean come on!
Yet this person went beyond the mark of stalker.

When I started my job at Buick I was with a temp agency, but when the plant was told that it was going to close down they moved us to another part of town.  At that time we were given the titles supervisors and paid by Buick City.  

 I had my first contact with him at the first place, and as I stated would talk to him a lot.  We did not have the best computer system, and would talk often.
Then he began to call me when my computer went out, which was weird.. I always wondered if he made it go off line.

When we moved to the new location it began to get really creepy, I went tanning one day and when I came out there was a note on my car.  When I got to work he told me that he was in the video store when I was tanning and watched me go in and come out....

I did not tan for a while, but the next time I did he made physical contact.  I was getting in my car and I heard my name I turned around and he hugged me.  I was terrified!!!

When I got home I told my mom and a couple days later I received flowers at my house!!!
He told me that he followed me home one day and even seen me outside. 

Friday nights when the plant was not working weekends I would work until 2 sometimes 3 a.m. One night I got a call and he said he was coming to see me... I was terrified.  The drivers were not suppose to be inside the office with us but I told them what was going on and they never left my side.
One of them even got into his personal truck and chased him off the lot, he was able to get his licensed plate number for me... I took the number to a friend I knew he, was able to run the plate and tell me this guy was married and has kids my age!!!!

It ended because of my brother... I told him what was going on and lets just say that he took care of it with a phone call.

God was not in my life... No let me rephrase that... I was not in God's life but He has always been in mine, protecting me, sending me the right people to watch over me.
This time in my life I would tell people I was Catholic, I have always been proud of my Faith but I was not attending Church.

PART 20: BUICK CITY

I will jump ahead on my journey... because it is my story and I can =)

In 1999 I was working for Buick City, what an amazing job and an amazing opportunity.  I had been working there for a while when we heard the news that Buick was closing.  I still do not believe that it has closed and even more shocking that it has been torn down.
That was my BIG job, I was one of three supervisors over all men... I always told everyone I was paid to tell a bunch of men were to go and how to get there.
Our job was to basically make sure the plant did not shut down, so when the guys at the plant went to lunch came back and seen that they were low on a part they would call me and I would get one of my switchers (drivers) to go over take out the empty trailer and put in the new one loaded with the parts that they needed.
It was so much fun, it was a job were you could have fun but there was a time and place and everyone knew when it was time not to mess around.
We all worked together to make sure that Buick city ran smoothly... We were always told how much it would cost if the plant shut down... It was around so many thousands of dollars a MINUTE!!!  If the plant shut down, it stopped making parts, if it stopped making parts, people were unhappy.  My job was to make everyone happy... The plant only shut down one time on my watch... and that was a night I will never forget.

We all knew the plant was closing and everyone was on edge, the drivers knew they would be out of a job and the three of us girls (first, second and third shift supervisors) all were told we would be taken care of.. What a joke that was... but that is for another day.
There was a couple of drivers who going to not go down quietly, they were upset with me because I was "going to be taken of" and they were basically screwed.   They began going back and forth over the radio talking smack about me, so I did something that I should not have and I still regret to this day.. I turned the radio down....

The phone started ringing from the office next door and they asked if I was listening... something had happened!!!!
I turned the radio up and I could not believe my ears!!!
The driver that was making the biggest fuss turned into the plant and the parts on his trailer were not loaded right and it shifted... as he turned all of the parts went to one side and turned over... the weight of the trailer caused the tractor the driver was in to fall on its side with the trailer.  Not only did the plant need those parts but he was blocking the entrance to the plant!

No one was harmed, I have to laugh now as I am writing this... I keep hearing the word "Karma".

I met up with this driver and his wife a few years later and him and his family were doing great!
I often think about the guys that I worked with they were my big brothers and often my protectors.
  

Part 19: Therapy

For a girl who just went to school to become a therapist in a Church setting this will be a strange blog, yet it is part of my life and is important...

I cannot tell you the amount of times I have been in "therapy", from a divorce when I was younger, to not getting along with anyone, to hating my life... yes I have been there.
Yet from all of these different reasons one thing remained the same... the outcome of therapy...
NOTHING... and that was because of the way I behaved in therapy...

See in therapy I had the best life ever, I could be anyone and have anything I wanted. To me it was a place to live out a fairy tale... Why go to a therapist to talk about a life I did not like??
That does not make much sense to me.... does it to you??
So of course when I left and came out I was happy... I went home and all hell would break loose. Because I was back in the reality of a place that I did not want to be.

Now please do not get me wrong, I did not have a horrible life... I think it was pretty normal... whatever that definition is....
I am sure if you looked the definition up it would be something on the lines of; "The same as others, opposite of unique".  
People went through divorce.... Check...
People disliked their parents and argued.... Check
People did not like their life on occasion...... Check
Hence the fact that I believed I was normal... now looking back I was more aggressive than I would like to admit... Instead of disliked I had a strong anger maybe even pushing the word hate and instead on occasion it was more on the lines of every single day!!

Do I believe that the therapist in my life could have helped me?  Honestly... no, I do not...
Why?  I have no idea who I was.  I have a hard time figuring out who I am some days still.
My issue was and still is... I become whomever I am around.. it is just me trying to blend in... trying to fit in.  I find myself still doing this today with my own family.
The good news is that I am getting better.... It took me a while to understand that I am a mother and that is my first and most important title.  I thought love of another person was more important and that is so not true.  My daughters love is the greatest love ever.... I thought!!!
Yes I realized that I was wrong...
I am not a mother first... I am a Daughter of Christ first and that will help me be a better mother. When I finally had that understanding everything else begin to make sense...
The greatest love is that of the Father who gave me my daughter who in turn loves me so very much and I love her.  We will disagree, and she will tell me that she does not like me... but that is okay because I am her mother... I can be her friend in the future.
She will be graduating in four short years and I am shocked at where the years have gone.
So therapy... Yes it is a good thing... for someone who is ready for it and who is honest about it.

I pray that this blog finds you all with peace in your mind.  Love of the Father in your heart and true understanding of love of the soul.

Listened too:
Lord I Need you.... Matt Maher on repeat over and over and over and over I think you get the point.

6/15/2014 Reflection Family after Death...

If you have not noticed by now I always write reflection when I am jumping ahead in my life and want to write about a current topic.
The current topic is very personal, yet I have noticed in my writing that it helps me deal and understand.  Often as I am typing I realize why something has occurred and have a better understanding, almost as if I am looking in from the outside.

If you have not yet realized through my writing my grandmother has passed, it was exactly five months yesterday since her passing.  As I go on with my own suffering of loosing not only my grandmother but my best friend I am realizing that everyone deals with death differently, and with a family of seven brothers and sisters total my mom and her siblings are all a mix of different.  
Someone once told me after the passing of her son that she could not do anything for a year, because she could not think straight and her therapist told her that people make rash decisions right after a death that they later regret.  Yet it was just her, when you have a group of seven grown people and they all have opinions how do you know who is right?  Is there even a right answer for anything?
I believe that is were we get ourselves in trouble, we think too much about the person who has passed .... the person who has left all of the material belongs behind... because we do not take things with us when we go.
wow this blog is not going the direction I had intended when I began
This is just another example of when I write and how I am in a place that I cannot explain. Sometimes I will go back and read it and wonder who wrote it...
I am personally at the point on this journey that if my grandma sat on it, touched it, sniffed it or even looked at it... I would like it.  I know that material things are not important, I truly do!  I just miss her so much that I want a piece of her.... and I cannot physically have that so the material things are the closest.
As I write these words I feel a sense of shame, because I know that these "things" will not bring me comfort, happiness or even an once of her.... but they are small memories that will help me hold on to her.
We are all on different road blocks on this journey of mourning and some of us even took different roads and we will get lost and turn around.  Some of us are walking right next to each other, others are screaming for help but no one hears because we are so lost within ourselves that only we can hear the scream.

My prayer is that all these roads lead to one road eventually in life and that is a road of togetherness.  We will not ever be the same, because the biggest piece of the family puzzle is gone... but we are the frame of the puzzle and if we can all connect and hold on to each other we can make it through... sometimes the frame will get week because the center is missing but we are a family and we are strong.  Strong because she taught us to be strong.

Wondering if this will ever get any better?

Part 18: My Other Brother...

My brother met a friend named Gary one day during the summer, we lived across the street from a school and we often played there.  We had seen Gary ride bye a few times on his homemade bike.  Now you need to know what I mean by "homemade", Gary and his father were very smart.  They could take anything and turn it into something..
Gary's bike looked like kit from Knight rider.
From the front of the bike with the lite...

to the watch that talked to him.  They would be together forever from that point on.
The stuff that these two would pull was unbelievable and memorable.  Gary was the kind of guy that would get along with anybody he was just that relaxed and lovable.  
They were in the same grade together so we would sometimes ride to school together.  These were the only two that I ever knew that would like to get to school early.  I would soon find out why.

Gary had a CB radio in his car and an antenna that was taller than most bridges...
They would sit in the school parking lot acting as if they were televangelist heckling the truck drivers.  Telling them to; "Put their hands on the microphone and feel the power of God!!!"  The truckers would usually respond with a; "If you don't get off this channel I am going to find you and kick your...: well you know.
I can remember so much of my life that included him... yes he was my brothers friend but if you knew our family you knew Gary.  He was just that kind of a person, I cannot think of one person who did not like him.... well dad did not like him or my brother the day they decided to take the car to the cemetery in the mud... they got stuck and well after putting their heads together they thought they could use the car jack to lift the car out of the mud.... needless to say the jack went into the mud.  They ended up calling for help... my brother did not get into much trouble because Gary would make fun of the way my mom would say his name and you could not help but laugh. Thinking back now they probably had that all worked out ahead of time.
Gary moved in move us for about a minute, he thought we had the life... you know the grass is always greener on the other side.  He thought that until mom gave him a list of chores and he was home by night. Gary fell asleep on the way home from work and his seat belt broke... I still go to the cemetery to talk to him.  I wonder what he would think about life and were it has lead us.  He is probably up there shaking his head at the whole citation. When Gary died this song was famous and I wrote out the words and gave them to his mom.  

I still miss you brother, I miss you laughter that was so contagious, I miss your humor, I miss the way you would walk across the street yelling "Pedestrians have the right of way!!", I miss the way you and I talked when my brother was not around, I miss the way you felt safe around us, I miss the way I felt safe around you, I miss you and your G&R music that mom thought was "Devil music" lol, I miss your skinny butt in those jeans, I miss your spiky hair", I just miss you!
To the boy who was much cooler that anyone ever imagined, and who gave us internet before it was even really known about (but mom made us take it down because of all the wires).  As your tombstone says Enjoy the Silence... but if I know you... you are rocking it out with some of the coolest people ever.
You are missed and loved everyday! RIP 10/26/95

Go rest High Video
                                          "Go Rest High On That Mountain"

I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain

[Chorus:]
Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son

Oh, how we cried the day you left us
We gathered round your grave to grieve
I wish I could see the angels faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing

6/7/2014 GRANDMA'S FIRST BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN

My daughter used to tell me when she was little that she chose me as a mom, that Jesus asked her who did she want as a mom and she picked me.
If this is true, I am so Blessed that my mom picked my grandma as her mom, and that I picked my mom. 
If you were to ask me who my grandma was to me I would have to say that; 
She was the best grandma anyone could ever ask for, but it did not end there.  She was also my best friend and would talk to me whenever I needed it... she would call me when I was down out of the blue as if she felt that I needed her.  We had a connection that was beautiful, when my grandma knew I was sick she would be at the hospital for every surgery.  After I came home she would send over home cooked meals and fruit that she knew I loved.
She cared for me as if I was her own, please do not get me wrong my mom is an amazing mom.... but this is about my grandma.

After heart surgery, back surgery, c-section, gallbladder surgery, I was told that I had cancer in the lining of the uterus.  My doctor was positive he had called me in and even put me on chemo medicine.  I would have a hysterectomy and when I went for my followup appointment he said there was no trace of cancer.  Grandma was so excited, we all were... the doctor was speechless..  If I only knew what my grandma had done...
Within a year my grandma was in the same place I was... cancer in the lining of the uterus.
She would have a major stroke during surgery and her life would begin to go down hill from there.  I asked her once if she prayed to take my cancer from me... she said yes.  I knew in my heart she had, it was in the same exact spot and she was just the selflessness.  She was more concerned about everyone over herself.

It is 12:54 a.m. which makes it officially grandma's birthday today... but she is not here...
She went home to be with the Lord in January, I know that she is with my Aunt Cathy who died when she was ten days old due to heart complications, my grandpa who passed away in 1984 from cancer, her mom and dad, all of her brothers and one of her sisters.
I know that heaven is singing her Happy Birthday and it is a beautiful day today there... but here is a different story.  
For there is no reason to celebrate, no reason to sing, to reason to smile, no reason to even leave the house.  Except for one reason and it is FAITH!  I believe in My Lord Jesus Christ and my grandma did too, this is why I know that she is in heaven.  She had a faith that was so strong, one that was to be admired. 
She would get on her knees every night to pray for every single one of us... and there are a lot of us.
There are so many things I miss:
Telling her I love you
Hearing her say I love you
Hearing her say my name
Talking to her about everything
getting her advice
hearing stories
hearing her plans
hearing her talk about those "Darn republicans" Yes I even miss that
calling her because I had a bad day
calling her because I had an appointment and she wanted to know how it went
the smell of her
her laughter
her smile
catching her swearing.. whenever she swore I would say "Grandma!" and she would laugh
I miss her cooking
I miss her recipes
I miss her
I miss the way kept everyone together
I will miss going places with her
The farmers market in Durand will not be the same
having her go with me to my appointments
having her at every one of my surgeries
having her with me
her and her nonjudgmental unconditional love
Her hands
her ideas
her creativity
her
the way she loved the faith
the way she loved Our Blessed Mother
the way she loved Family
the way she loved
her calling me just because
I Miss My Grandma!!
I Miss My Best Friend
I Miss the one who understood me so well
I Miss her so much that it hurts, the only thing that gets me through it is knowing that when I get through the life God has planned for me I will see her again, and when I do...
I will hug her to tight that I will not have to worry about breaking her, she always felt so delicate.

Part 17: MY ANGEL APPEARS IN THE FLESH..

I left you with the story of Sister Claudia and how they named the warming center after her, this story if jumping ahead many years BUT it has to do with the warming center.
As my daughter and I went to the warming center which is downtown Flint, we parked by the sign.  The door was locked, now again we are in downtown flint.
I noticed a sign that said warning center with an arrow, so I went to follow it with my daughter in tow.
It was an alley that went between a house and the school, there were a few men in the alley but for some reason I did not seemed bothered by this... BUT my angel had his guard up.
I heard MISS!!!!
I looked over and a man who appeared out of no where was standing there, he asked; "Can I help you?" I explained that I wanted to see the place that was named after Sister Claudia.
He said in a stern voice; "Get in your truck, DRIVE through the alley and it will be right there"
I said thank you and my daughter and I got back in the truck.  As I went to thank him he was gone as fast as he came.

Thank you Father for protecting me and my daughter that day, Thank you for always watching over us.  I love you and praise you!
Amen!


Hold Us Together Matt Maher  

You Were On the Cross Matt Maher  

Part 16: LEARNING HOW TO GIVE...

I left you last with my stories of how we spent many nights after work messing around usually in my mothers car.  I was fired from McDonald's..  I was suppose to work on Easter Sunday and I was spending the day with my family.  I did not want to leave we were having so much fun.. so I called in sick and the manager on duty that day told me that I would be fired and I said okay. (Shaking my head) me and my stubbornness!
Well the manager there was sweet and she had me transferred to another store. 

I would get a job working with a relative at Catholic Outreach in downtown Flint.  This is where I would begin to like my faith again...
The sister in charge was strict but loving, Sister Claudia would give as much as she could to anyone who walked in that door.  We would have to work Friday nights, Saturdays, and all day Sunday doing bingo's.  That was how she kept the place running, I always thought it was funny that a nun would make her workers work on a Holy day, but she knew that the money was good on this day and she needed it for the poor.  I believe in her heart she knew it was for the greater good. 
I had many jobs, from bagging groceries to give to the needy that came in, counting bingo tickets, and then sister realized that I knew how to work the computer and took me up stairs.
I was scared at first, I did not ever see anyone go upstairs except her and her dog.  I knew she lived up there but to my surprise there were a couple offices up there.  As I think about it she must have had a small living corridors.  

We would spend much time together in the van that one of the off duty police officers would drive and then stay with us for security.  I learned that her favorite movie was the "Easter Parade" so I bought it for her.  She would come to my great-grandma's funeral years later and remind about that and the picture I gave her of the angel walking the children across the bridge.  She never forgot who helped her, it was shocking that she would remember after so many years.
You can imagine after working there for some time one could get a little tired of seeing the same people walk through the door.  So whenever a counselor would say no to someone because they had just been in they knew they could wait and ask sister and she would give them something.  
It was a job that was both eye opening and heart opening, I will always hold dear the moments we spent together and the joy that she brought so many.
They actually named the warming center downtown after her, I was able to go downtown and take my daughter to see it.  I had the privilege to be shown around,  there are over 1,000 people who are homeless and they go there to just get warm and have a bite to eat. When we first walked in there was a wall fall of toys I picked one up and said Merry Christmas to Christina is was a TY beanie baby from McDonald's could you imagine getting a used happy meal toy for Christmas? This is the reality of life and we all need to know how Blessed we are. The Warming Center opens on the 1st of December so from now till then these men, woman and children have no were to go but then they are allowed during the day to come in and get something to eat, at night to sleep in a chair. The limit is 45 could you imagine standing in a line in the dead of winter to get a chance to sleep in a chair and be told you cannot come in because the limit has been reached? I think we all need to take our children down and let them see how Blessed we are, and when you do take a warm blanket, gloves, or chair (they need more chairs for people to sleep in and they will take a chair in ANY shape). 

PRAYER:
Heavenly Father Thank you for giving more that I deserve, more than I need help me to give more than I receive,  Thank you for my time with Sister and the lessons she taught me. Thank you for the laughter we shared and thank you for the beauty she brought to so many.
I pray that this message will help get the word out about giving more and I pray that we seek you more and more every day.
In Jesus Name I Pray.
Amen!

Listened To:
Empty Me Jeremy Camp  

There Will Be a Day Jeremy Camp

Jesus Saves Jeremy Camp  

How He Loves (feat. Kim Walker) Jesus Culture 
Forgiven and Loved Jimmy Needham

PART 15: DOXOLOGY CONTINUATION...

Reminder that Doxology is a part of the mass, that wonderful time when the Priest holds up the Eucharist and says the following...

Doxology and Great Amen:
Priest:  "Through him, with him, and in him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all glory and honor is yours, almighty Father, for ever and ever." (Sung)
All:  Amen! (sung)

I shared with you earlier the beauty that I seen and felt this morning at Mass.  I am called to tell you the wonderful things I have seen in the past.

The first time I seen something during this beautiful time was a dove, and he just seemed to fly above the altar.  I had my eyes closed but I could sense He was above the altar.  This brought me great peace and joy.

This would happen for many weeks, at different times more things would happen.

It would be a few weeks before the beauty of Christ was shared with me.  It was a warm day in the Church. 

 We always sit in the front and the stain glass windows are right to the left and above us, they are so beautiful. We attend the 5:00 mass so the sun is setting so it gets warm at times.
I had my eyes closed during this point in mass as I always do when I seen the dove, then I felt this cool breeze go by me as if someone has just walked by very fast in front of me... but there was a pew full of people in front of me.  I opened my eyes because it caught me off guard and I lost the image.
The next week, the dove appeared and then the breeze this time I focused on the dove and the peace I felt.  Then they appeared, the ceiling was full of a multitude of angels flying towards the altar and as we sang Amen... Christ came from the top of the ceiling into the Eucharist.  I did not want to open my eyes.  I was in awe, I was seeing the true existence of Christ in the Eucharist!

Yet it was time for the Our Father so I stood up with tears in my eyes and as I received the Eucharist I cried like a baby.
The next time I seen something beautiful was just recently, my dog had to be put to sleep due to a brain tumor.  I went to mass the day after and was so heartbroken, she went with me everywhere.  At the exact point in mass I bowed my head and closed my eyes when I seen Mary, now there was a statue of Mary on the Altar for May but the Mary I seen looked nothing like the statue.  The statue was Our Lady of Grace and the Lady that I seen was all in white with a crown... in her arms was my Lady bug.  I was shocked as I could not believe what I was seeing.  My dog tilted her head as she often did and gave me a look of "Why are you sad, I am at peace" from that instant I had a smile on my face and was happy.  I still miss her but I know she is in a safe place and I pray I will see her one day.

PRAYER:
Heavenly Father, Thank you for Blessing me beyond words, Thank you for showing me your great love and mercy, and thank you for allowing me to share it with others.
I pray that my words will help someone on their walk with Christ and I pray that we all seek a closer relationship with Him.
In Jesus Name I Pray,
Amen

listened too:

Beautiful, Beautiful Francesca Battistelli

Free to Be Me Francesca Battistelli

This Is the Stuff Francesca Battistelli 

Lead Me to the Cross Francesca Battistelli

PART 14: ALWAYS SAY I LOVE YOU...

I remembered a very important part of middle school that I forget to tell you about...
This is not my story, yet the impact it had on this person effected me in ways that still to this day remind me to say; "I love you"

Her name I will not share for her privacy, we attended middle school together.  We knew of each other but were not "friends" even though we did talk.
I remember it was math class and one day she was not there.
The night before her and her mother had gotten into an argument and her mother left.
She would get into an accident and die, it effected my classmate so much.
Her last words to her and her mother shared were not anything nice.

I could not imagine loosing my mom, even though we would get into arguments and I would say those dreadful words that no mother wants to hear... "I hate you!".. I always loved her.
From that day on I would say I love you every time I left someone, or right before I hung up the phone with someone.
I remember the first time I said "I love you" to my grandma on the phone, it was not something that we said... Which is weird because there was great love.. maybe it was something that we knew but just didn't say.  Anyway it caught her off guard and she said; "bye".  She ended up calling me back within minutes to tell me that she loved me too.
From that day forward we would always say "I love you!" even on voice mails she would say it.

My mom and I are the same, we tell each other all the time "I love you"
And if you are my friend on facebook you will see that I write "I love you" often and it is true.  I do love you, we should love all of our family and friends and wish only the best for them.

So in case you are not aware of it, there is someone out that loves you and prays that you are well.

Prayer:
Heavenly Father Thank you for all of my family and friends, Thank you for the love that you have given me that I can give back to others, Thank you for your love and mercy!
I pray that everyone feels how much you love them and I pray we all seek a closer relationship with you everyday.
I Jesus Name I Pray,
Amen!

LISTENING TO:
I Will Rise         Chris Tomlin  
I Will Follow Chris Tomlin
How He Loves (Radio Version) David Crowder Band  

DOXOLOGY: THE MEANING AND REFLECTION 6/3/2014

Today at mass I seen the most glorious thing I have seen yet.. not only did I see it I felt it.
But in order to vision what I seen I have to tell you more...
Doxology and Great Amen:
It was during this part of Mass that I shut my eyes as I usually do, I never look at the Eucharist because I believe there are amazing miraculous things happening.  I have been Blessed to see these things happen.
Today as I closed my eyes and Father held up the Eucharist and sang those beautiful words: Doxology and Great Amen:
Priest:  "Through him, with him, and in him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all glory and honor is yours, almighty Father, for ever and ever." (Sung)
All:  Amen! (sung)

I seen a heart, not a heart you would see at valentines day but a human heart and as I focused on the heart two things begin to happen:
1. My heart began to pace (I could feel this through my pacemaker)
2. The heart I seen was turning into the Sacred Heart, I know this because it was growing thorns all through it..

We stood up from kneeling to say the Our Father and I was crying, why did He choose me?  I do not know why but I do know that I will tell everyone that will listen that Christ is real and He is real in the Sacrament.






PRAYER:
Heavenly Father Thank you for showing me your most sacred heart, Thank you for loving me and for loving all, Thank you for your Great Mercy, Thank you for being a God of greatness, I praise you with all of my heart, You are the love of my life, I shall not want anyone another than you.
I pray that these words will help others see you in the Eucharist, and believe.
I pray that we all seek you more every day>
In Jesus Name I Pray!
Amen.

Listen too:
Restless Audrey Assad  
Carry Me Audrey Assad  

Ought to Be Audrey Assad
The Only Name (Yours Will Be) Big Daddy Weave
It Is Well (Oh My Soul) Brandon Heath 

Part 13: THE DARKNESS IN MY YOUTH AND THE LIGHT THAT WAS ALWAYS THERE

Last time I left you with the promise that I would touch on the darkness that existed in my life during my youth and how God was there even when I was not following my faith.

My brother and I always got along, he was my protector on many occasions at least this is how I want to remember him.  Yet I have so many more memories that are not good.  When we were getting older he used to beat the crap out of me, it started out with him clawing me... he would bite his nails just till they became sharp enough and then he would dig his nails in my skin.
Now I did not know how to fight, my only defense was my mouth which was not a good defense it actually made him madder.
There are so many times that he would just come at me, not just because... but for something little and it would explode.  
I remember good times with him, once my parents left us alone and we got the flag out that was on a pole prob about 5 ft tall and one or both of us was acting like we were in a parade and well it went through the ceiling.  So we got some tape and taped it... it lasted for a while until my dad noticed it... leave it to dad to notice it. 
My mom started working during the day so when we came home it was just the two of us for a couple hours... man the fights.  I remember him chasing me into my room and I put my hope-chest against the door and he knocked the door down on top of it.  I was to go without a door for a while... see I would be in my room crying and he would get to mom as soon as she walked in so she heard his story first and well after hearing one would you want to hear another.  So I would hardly ever get my story out.

One thing that will be stuck with me forever is the time he chased me in my room and my vanity was tipped over.  It had been given to me by grandma... it was so beautiful with drawers and a beautiful mirror but when it was tipped over the mirror broke.  He left and I sat on the floor with all of this glass around me.  I remember taking a pretty big piece and pushing it into my skin.. but I just could not do it.  The glass... there was always glass from frames or mirrors or something that was thrown and I would always be so close... but I was always pulled away.

There are times in a person's life that they feel as if they are alone, that there is no one around, but it only last for a minute because something or someone comes and makes it better.  My someone was my grandma, there would be times in the future that I would think about killing myself but the thought of hurting my grandmother would stop me.

I write these things not as a way to "get-back" or to "get-even" I write these things to let others know that there is never a time that you are truly alone...
Believe me I have been in the darkest of the dark and He was there with me...
You will hear more about that in my older years...

Prayer:
Heavenly Father Thank you for helping me so many times in my life, Thank you for the love of my family, Thank you for my mother who loves me unconstitutionally and is a wonderful mother, Thank you for loving me a sinner and forgiving me.
I pray that someone will find comfort in my words and I pray that we all will seek a closer relationship with Him who wants more from all of us.
In Jesus Name I Pray.
Amen

Listening to:

Ought to Be Audrey Assad
The Only Name (Yours Will Be) Big Daddy Weave  

It Is Well (Oh My Soul) Brandon Heath  

Give Me Your Eyes Brandon Heath  
Your Love Brandon Heath

Part 12: Middle school and High school

As I have stated before it was a tug a war to get us to go to Church on the weekends.  Once I was put into public school I really did not miss the old school or church... but something was always missing in my life.
I have always been an outsider... I never really had any friends but people remember me... which to this day still baffles me.
I middle school I started choir and that was a fun but my real outlet was Drama.
In my eighth grade year our class was slip up in two half of us were to do one play (Snow white updated version) and another play (I can remember train tracks)... I was chosen to have a part in both plays.  I was so excited, the teacher had a lot of faith in me and I was so appreciative because if it.

Once I was in High school my outlet was Choir, it was the only place I felt safe.  There were some pretty mean people in high school. 
By my senior year I had had enough, one clear memory was being in mythology class... which by the way how can religion be banned from school but they can teach about Greek gods?
There was this boy Jim who would always sit behind me and pick on me.  One day he grabbed a peace of paper and wrapped it about my face... I was panicking I could not breathe.. it took me a minute to realize it was paper and I could rip it, but he was holding it so tight.. When I finally did get it off my face I looked and the teacher seen the whole thing.
From that day on I would walk right by him and skip his class.  He would watch me walk out the door get in my car and drive away... everyday.. and never did anything.

So school was not a good place for me, choir was the only place where I felt there was a person who cared and that was Mr. P. he would actually go out of his way to make sure I was okay.

I got my first job when I was 14 and worked in the summer at Payless, Of course it was off the records I had a friend that worked there and they needed help doing inventory so I would go close to closing time and work.  It was fun... to this day when I go into a shoe store I will turn one shoes one way against the other.
My first official job was at McDonald;s where I would work until I was 18.
I loved working there because that is where I felt I had friends, we would drive around after work. hang out and just have fun.

One time we all piled into my car and went to downtown Flint, (I have no idea why) and a police car started to follow me, this of course made me nervous.  It was one close to two o'clock in the morning.  Now it is important to know that there are many one way streets in down town Flint.  I happen to turn the wrong way on one and he turned his lights on and we were all freaking out.
Not that we had anything in the car that would get us in trouble. when he came up to the car he asked why we were out and about and our manager said we have just left some training.  I know he knew we were lying.  I looked at him and said: "Officer we live in Swartz creek we literally have one one way street, I am so sorry".  
He let us go but he said; "make a u-turn in the street go home"... now instead of doing what he told me, I thought a u-turn is against the law... so I said; "I can't make a u-turn you will give me a ticket" everyone in the car was freaking out... He looked at me with a stern look and said: "MAKE A U-TURN and GO HOME" so I did.

My mom's poor Lesabre boy did we have fun...
Starting at the entrance of the drive and flooring it till we hit the hill in the back... the hill is gone it is now a parking lot..
When Arby's was being built John and Joanne went into the building I was too chicken... But they had fun running through it....

At 18 Joanne and I would have a great idea to move in together and it would have been a wonderful idea until my brother asked if he could move in.  So a two bedroom was now made for three... we shared a room and he got his own..

My mom and dad would put the house we grew up in for sale because we where gone...
When they moved into Flint I moved with them...
That would began a new chapter in my life...

Next time I will touch on the darkness that existed in my life during my youth on God was there even when I was not following my faith.

Heavenly Father:
Thank you for watching over us during our crazy nights, Thank you for keeping me smart when I was in school so many days would I come home and I was close to suicide but you were there with me. Thank you for loving me a sinner and thank you for forgiving me..
I pray that anyone struggling in school as someone that they can turn to that can help them figure it out, I pray that we all seek a deeper relationship with you.
In Jesus Name, I pray.
Amen

Listening too:
You Speak Audrey Assad  
For Love of You Audrey Assad  
The House You're Building Audrey Assad  
Breaking Through Audrey Assad
Everything Is Yours Audrey Assad  
Restless Audrey Assad  

Carry Me Audrey Assad  

REFLECTION: 6'2'2014

At Mass this morning, I said my usual prayers..
I started with the Act of Hope and then reflected on it and how I can change in my life...
Then I prayed the Act of Love... this is the prayer that always gets me thinking and I usually hear or see something from the Lord.

Today I was told that I need to start taking my computer to the church and staying after until my daughter gets out of school.
What I was to do was pretty cool... I was to reflect on what the priest said, the readings and what I heard from God Himself and type it out.
I have a hard time with my memory and God knows this... I believe this is why He wants me to do bring my computer to the Church.
I even had a vision of myself sitting in the back with my computer plugged in to the side wall.
I do not even know if there is a plug in back there.. I will check tomorrow and if there is I will probably cry.

Again today I went through Mass without receiving Communion, this is so hard for me because there is a part of me that craves that beautifulness.  As everyone was receiving Communion I was praying and I heard "this is your penance". After mass I asked Father G. if I could have a confession, he said yes.. which I was told last week that he would give me confession.
He was upset  and told me that I should never go to mass and not receive the Eucharist unless I had killed someone, or if it had been a very long time.  He said but to miss two masses and to return and not receive it he said that was a penance enough. The same words that I heard when I was praying!!!

Prayer:  Heavenly Father, Thank you for loving me a sinner, Thank you for forgiving me always, Thank you for Father G. he is a Blessing to all, Thank you for my life and all who are in it, and thank you for these beautiful messages and images.
I pray that these words will help others with their relationship with you.
In Jesus Name I pray,
Amen

Part 11: Grandma's Garden

As I sat here pondering over what subject to write about I received a huge sign...
I smelled an assortment of different flowers... as if I was in my grandma's backyard.

As I had told you before we lived very close to her house so we would ride our bikes over to visit.  She loved working in her flowerbeds, and boy did she had tons of flowers.  

The house was always beautiful inside and out, and she knew exactly how to plant them so that the tulips would be coming up as the next set of flowers would be starting.  Tulips are so beautiful but they do not last long, she had it so perfectly arranged that her flowerbeds were never empty..

The years of bouquets that we received from her to take to the Church for May crowning out of those flowerbeds are numerous.  I have to say we always had the best looking flowers too.

Lilac bushes in different colors, roses, and the nut tree!!

She was given a nut tree and planted it and it drover her crazy!!  Let me rephrase that the squirrels made her mad, she never once was able to get a nut off that tree.

If she was not working in her flowerbeds she would be in the garden, she loved her tomatoes, and cucumbers.

Freshly washed clothes on the clothes line...

Sometimes we would drive by her house and could see the sheets flying in the wind.

There were many times I would leave school early and walk to grandma's because I was not feeling well.  I remember when I failed my drivers training test and went to her house (hey I figured I didn't need to read that book... I did).
I came into the house and she was in the basement ironing, I was so upset and she was so calm as if it was no big deal and told me to just try harder next time.  She was always knew how to calm me down.

It is funny when you get older and you look back at your life, the times that I thought the world was ending and she calmed me down.  Yet she was struggling with things that really mattered and I never knew.  She did not want me to be troubled with her problems because I was a child, yet in today's world our children know each and every problem we have.

Makes you think...

Prayer:
Heavenly Father, Thank you for my beautiful grandma, Thank for you her garden, her heart, her love, her time, her patience, her unconditional love and understanding,
I pray that everyone has someone as special as her in their life and that they never take them for granted.  I pray that we seek you Lord.
In Jesus Name I pray,
Amen.

Listen too:
Casting Crowns My Own Worst Enemy
Casting Crowns Courageous
Casting Crowns Lifesong
Casting Crowns Until the Whole World Hears