It has been a long 45 days... yet as I look back I see that I have grown in a good way... and I also see that I have had five losses in my life... three of them suicides.. each time it has hit me so hard, I know it is not about me but I see through other people's losses how much loss and grief my family would have endured...
Today I went to my cardiologist for the first time.. He entered the room with his assistant and a student, as he looked at the paperwork that awaited him he said "So you were in the hospital... was it for heart failure?" I replied "No, I tried to kill myself" He fell into the chair that was behind him as assistant grabbed her head, he told the student to have a seat... As I was telling him I took 250 pills he said "You took 100 digetec!!! Your digoxin level was over the highest 5.0 I have seen and I have seen patients with a lower level just drop dead and they had a pacemaker just like you" I said "I was told my pacemaker saved me" He looked at me and said "I have no idea how you are still alive"
You then went on to tell me that because there was a suicide attempt that I would not be eligible for a heart transplant until I was cleared... I asked him how long that could take and he said months...
He then had them check my heart again to make sure I was not in heart failure...
I then had an appointment with my therapist for the first time..
I like her.. well for what I could tell in 45 minutes..
I told her I feel as if death is all around me... she did not have a comment.. just a stare..
I have gone on with my day as if it was a normal day yet I have to think how many "normal" days have a doctor saying to you; "I have no idea how you are still alive"
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
FEELING NUMB...
Since my attempt of suicide on the night of September 15th my friends and family have lost three people to suicide... the first was exactly one month to the date and it hit my mom more that it hit myself... I can still remember her telling me and her voice cracking. I had no idea why she was as upset as she was.. until she told me it had been exactly one month..
The second was a young boy, 14 years old from my daughters school.. for some reason in the back of my mind I knew there would be another one... Once there is a suicide in a school there always seems to be a ripple effect..
Then I received the call... a call that I still cannot believe..
Three people in 44 days... forty-four days!! This is just people that I know... there are people out there that I do not know... people who are hurting and see no other way out.
I have to say being on this end of it...
I feel shock, I feel disbelief, I feel bad for the wrong that I did in the past, I feel as if sitting here typing is doing no one good accept me.. It is my one coping skill that has helped me through so much... But I feel empty and numb...
Knowing what I know... I know that a person is so far gone and only God and this person knows their heart and mind at this time... So do not judge someone who has committed suicide... What the world needs if more people building others up not breaking them down.
The second was a young boy, 14 years old from my daughters school.. for some reason in the back of my mind I knew there would be another one... Once there is a suicide in a school there always seems to be a ripple effect..
Then I received the call... a call that I still cannot believe..
Three people in 44 days... forty-four days!! This is just people that I know... there are people out there that I do not know... people who are hurting and see no other way out.
I have to say being on this end of it...
I feel shock, I feel disbelief, I feel bad for the wrong that I did in the past, I feel as if sitting here typing is doing no one good accept me.. It is my one coping skill that has helped me through so much... But I feel empty and numb...
Knowing what I know... I know that a person is so far gone and only God and this person knows their heart and mind at this time... So do not judge someone who has committed suicide... What the world needs if more people building others up not breaking them down.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
YET ANOTHER CHANCE AT LIFE...
As I look back at my life it is incredible how many times I should have, could have, would have died.... yet He had other plans...
When I was younger around first grade I was in a car accident... a drunk driver hit the truck I was in and it flipped five times stopping upside down. I crawled out the back window with my eyes closed. Even though my eyes were closed I could see a light.. I followed the light as I grew closer and closer the light became brighter and brighter. I felt someone grab me and immediately after hearing a loud crash... The tailgate of the truck came crashing down if it were not for the person who grabbed me the tailgate would have came crashing down upon me... No one on the scene including police, ambulance, fire and many witnesses seen anyone grab me.. I know in my heart that I was grabbed by my angel..
In 1999 I found out I was pregnant... I would be in the hospital seven times before giving birth in 2000 with complications... My daughter would be born healthy as can be..
In 2005 I left work because I could not keep anything down including water, I would be diagnosed with ViralCardiomyothopy which is a virus that attacked my heart, they checked everything and it all looked great accept the heart muscle itself. I had a EF level of 13 (the normal is 65-70) I was given a pacemaker/defibrillator. I was told that I would need a heart transplant in five years (2010) and it would only last five years (2015) and that I would be dead in ten years (2015). As of this time I am "too healthy" to be put on the transplant list.
In 2007 I needed my gallbladder out, the anesthesiologist came in minutes before the surgery and said; "You cannot have this surgery your heart is too weak you will die on the table!" My mom and grandmother were present I remember looking up and each of them, their faces were one of terror, one told me "We are Irish and we fight" and the other said "God is in control" as they stood there in terror I felt a peace that I cannot explain...
2014 I decided to take my own life by taking 250 pills, I was told by the hospital that if it were not for my pacemaker I would have been dead... The amount of heart pills I took my blood pressure should have been 0/0.
I believe everyone of us are on this earth for a reason, some of us know what that reason is, some of us want to know what that reason is so bad it hurts.. and some of us do not even believe that we could even be worthy enough to have a reason to live....
When I was younger around first grade I was in a car accident... a drunk driver hit the truck I was in and it flipped five times stopping upside down. I crawled out the back window with my eyes closed. Even though my eyes were closed I could see a light.. I followed the light as I grew closer and closer the light became brighter and brighter. I felt someone grab me and immediately after hearing a loud crash... The tailgate of the truck came crashing down if it were not for the person who grabbed me the tailgate would have came crashing down upon me... No one on the scene including police, ambulance, fire and many witnesses seen anyone grab me.. I know in my heart that I was grabbed by my angel..
In 1999 I found out I was pregnant... I would be in the hospital seven times before giving birth in 2000 with complications... My daughter would be born healthy as can be..
In 2005 I left work because I could not keep anything down including water, I would be diagnosed with ViralCardiomyothopy which is a virus that attacked my heart, they checked everything and it all looked great accept the heart muscle itself. I had a EF level of 13 (the normal is 65-70) I was given a pacemaker/defibrillator. I was told that I would need a heart transplant in five years (2010) and it would only last five years (2015) and that I would be dead in ten years (2015). As of this time I am "too healthy" to be put on the transplant list.
In 2007 I needed my gallbladder out, the anesthesiologist came in minutes before the surgery and said; "You cannot have this surgery your heart is too weak you will die on the table!" My mom and grandmother were present I remember looking up and each of them, their faces were one of terror, one told me "We are Irish and we fight" and the other said "God is in control" as they stood there in terror I felt a peace that I cannot explain...
2014 I decided to take my own life by taking 250 pills, I was told by the hospital that if it were not for my pacemaker I would have been dead... The amount of heart pills I took my blood pressure should have been 0/0.
I believe everyone of us are on this earth for a reason, some of us know what that reason is, some of us want to know what that reason is so bad it hurts.. and some of us do not even believe that we could even be worthy enough to have a reason to live....
WHAT I WOULD HAVE MISSED...
As my daughter prepared for her choir concert last... the first for the season I became very stressed and agitated... I did everything I had learned in group therapy... I tried all of my coping skills... taking in deep breaths, getting fresh air, writing, drawing the list goes on and on... yet I could not shake this feeling of uneasiness...
So what did I do?! I went to bed... yes one of the no no's... I did not know what else to do.. so I took a short nap only an hour..
The anxiety grew and grew as I drove and we grew closer and closer to the Church where so was performing... when we entered she went one way and I went into the Church...
I took my journal and was writing for a while when all of a sudden I just stopped and looked around.. it was a beautiful Church.. With high ceilings and beautiful windows all through out... the windows were even as high as the peak of the Church... there was a beautiful cross that stood above the altar and above that was a stain glass window that I just started at in awe...
I sat there through the concert and heard so many amazing groups waiting for my daughter to take the stage... she was one of the last groups to sing...
As she took the stage all of the anxiety and stress just flowed off of me as if it was being melted of me as wax glides off of a candle that is lit.
I could not take my eyes off of her... she sang three songs with her group and then returned to the stage at the end of the concert to sing a beautiful song... "May the Road Rise Up to Meet You..." as she sang she turned and sang to me... she was looking right into my eyes...
I realized today that a part of my stress was the fact that I could have missed this... my daughters first performance. All because of a decision that was mine and not "His"..
I have heard Father talk for the last three weeks in his homilies about our taking me out of the equation and making it His...
There are so many things I could have missed that have happened in the past month..
She has a boyfriend (her second), her stories about school, her ups and her downs, her laughter, her tears, her smile...
Yes there are days that I struggle but just as a cross country runner has to jump the hurdles I too must make my way over the hurdles that are my struggles in daily life...
The struggles are apart of life and each time I feel too weak to make my way over a hurdle I remind myself that it is not about "me"...
I was not put on this earth as a loner... I was made by my creator and He has never left me....
Even in the darkest hour He was my light... even when I believed that I was so alone there was no way out.. He was there holding my hand...
I am reminded of the song "Oh no You never let go..."
Because although Our God is a gentlemen and does not force Himself into anyone's life He will not let go once you let Him in... and that is amazing...
Think of how many people in your life that has walked out when it has gotten "too uncomfortable" or "Too hard" It is pretty amazing to have a man as strong and powerful on my side as He is!!
I am so Thankful that He gave me yet another chance to live...
So what did I do?! I went to bed... yes one of the no no's... I did not know what else to do.. so I took a short nap only an hour..
The anxiety grew and grew as I drove and we grew closer and closer to the Church where so was performing... when we entered she went one way and I went into the Church...
I took my journal and was writing for a while when all of a sudden I just stopped and looked around.. it was a beautiful Church.. With high ceilings and beautiful windows all through out... the windows were even as high as the peak of the Church... there was a beautiful cross that stood above the altar and above that was a stain glass window that I just started at in awe...
I sat there through the concert and heard so many amazing groups waiting for my daughter to take the stage... she was one of the last groups to sing...
As she took the stage all of the anxiety and stress just flowed off of me as if it was being melted of me as wax glides off of a candle that is lit.
I could not take my eyes off of her... she sang three songs with her group and then returned to the stage at the end of the concert to sing a beautiful song... "May the Road Rise Up to Meet You..." as she sang she turned and sang to me... she was looking right into my eyes...
I realized today that a part of my stress was the fact that I could have missed this... my daughters first performance. All because of a decision that was mine and not "His"..
I have heard Father talk for the last three weeks in his homilies about our taking me out of the equation and making it His...
There are so many things I could have missed that have happened in the past month..
She has a boyfriend (her second), her stories about school, her ups and her downs, her laughter, her tears, her smile...
Yes there are days that I struggle but just as a cross country runner has to jump the hurdles I too must make my way over the hurdles that are my struggles in daily life...
The struggles are apart of life and each time I feel too weak to make my way over a hurdle I remind myself that it is not about "me"...
I was not put on this earth as a loner... I was made by my creator and He has never left me....
Even in the darkest hour He was my light... even when I believed that I was so alone there was no way out.. He was there holding my hand...
I am reminded of the song "Oh no You never let go..."
Because although Our God is a gentlemen and does not force Himself into anyone's life He will not let go once you let Him in... and that is amazing...
Think of how many people in your life that has walked out when it has gotten "too uncomfortable" or "Too hard" It is pretty amazing to have a man as strong and powerful on my side as He is!!
I am so Thankful that He gave me yet another chance to live...
Monday, October 20, 2014
THREE WEEKS.... AND THE NEVER ENDING BANQUET TABLE
I was running late something that I hardly ever do and something that I do not like to do...
So a little added stress... As we entered the parking lot we ended up having to park on the lawn due to no parking spaces...
I looked at the clock and it was 4:57 we had three minutes before Mass began...
We entered to hear the amazing Worship music that greats up every Sunday and the Deacon's smiling face...
I was stressed because I always sit in the same spot,,, I know we do not have assigned seats yet I feel at home in my own seat...
As I made my way around the corner with my daughter following me I seen our spot wide open as if God had said "Here you go daughter, Breathe, sit down and listen"
You know that sound "How He loves us" I felt as if I could sing "Oh How He Knows Me"
which is so very true...
The opening song caught me... as if it was being sung just for me...
Then I felt a presence and looked over it was our priest.. He shook my hand and said; "Three weeks" with a huge smile on his face... that smile that our priest is known for... it is a contagious smile...
I had so many emotions and questions in my mind... Wow it has been three weeks.. I cannot believe he knew that before I did.. what an amazing man of God.... I have made it through a storm and have came out tired, but found myself covered in the blood of Jesus....
At Mass I seen something amazing...
No I am not hallucinating... As father held up the Eucharist I closed my eyes as I always do and there it was...
A long table... a never ending table and as I looked closer and closer to the head of the table I seen my grandma and her mother with Christ...
What an amazing sign from God in His home that my great grandma and grandma are together in Heaven with Christ..
This made me so happy that tears ran down my face...
So a little added stress... As we entered the parking lot we ended up having to park on the lawn due to no parking spaces...
I looked at the clock and it was 4:57 we had three minutes before Mass began...
We entered to hear the amazing Worship music that greats up every Sunday and the Deacon's smiling face...
I was stressed because I always sit in the same spot,,, I know we do not have assigned seats yet I feel at home in my own seat...
As I made my way around the corner with my daughter following me I seen our spot wide open as if God had said "Here you go daughter, Breathe, sit down and listen"
You know that sound "How He loves us" I felt as if I could sing "Oh How He Knows Me"
which is so very true...
The opening song caught me... as if it was being sung just for me...
Then I felt a presence and looked over it was our priest.. He shook my hand and said; "Three weeks" with a huge smile on his face... that smile that our priest is known for... it is a contagious smile...
I had so many emotions and questions in my mind... Wow it has been three weeks.. I cannot believe he knew that before I did.. what an amazing man of God.... I have made it through a storm and have came out tired, but found myself covered in the blood of Jesus....
At Mass I seen something amazing...
No I am not hallucinating... As father held up the Eucharist I closed my eyes as I always do and there it was...
A long table... a never ending table and as I looked closer and closer to the head of the table I seen my grandma and her mother with Christ...
What an amazing sign from God in His home that my great grandma and grandma are together in Heaven with Christ..
This made me so happy that tears ran down my face...
Thursday, October 16, 2014
A MONTH LATER TO THE DAY...
As I came home from group tonight, I was in a great mood... I have learned so much and have noticed a difference in the way I act and react...
My mom listened to so much I had to say and then she took a deep breathe and said "I have some news.. this morning ____ found his son dead".
My first reaction was to cry... although I never met his son I knew of his father.. he was so sweet when my grandma passed away and even got up and said some very sweet things about her...
I told my mom to let me know what the arrangement were and she paused...
I did not know why she was acting so weird...
She said she was worried about me.. I did not understand.. then she told me why...
I had tried to commit suicide a month ago on this very day... my mom would have found me this morning if it were not for so many things...
It did not hit me till I was out to dinner with my daughter, but I tried to keep my mind of it....
When I got home I called my mom and I began to cry... you know that cry that is so hard to do because you have the lump in your throat...
So many things were going through my head...
I am upset because:
I am alive because I am suppose to help others see the warnings...
BUT I did not know him enough to know he was going through anything so that was not it..
I went through a few things before it hit me...
It could have been me a month ago... My family and friends could have been going through this a month ago.. I was so close to death that I could feel its breathe on me..
I remember when the ambulance came to get me I looked down at my feet and they were blue...
BUT this is not about me...
This is about a young man who did not want to live anymore and the people in his life who are spending so much time going over it in their heads... wondering what they could have done... I am telling you the answer is nothing... when someone is that far gone there is no talking them out of it... I had an amazing friend talking to me the whole time I was taking my pills and I was telling her what I knew she wanted to hear...
All I can say now is Thank God we have a Merciful God who knows his heart and his state of mind at the time...
Please do not judge... you never walked in his shoes
Please do not be negative... what we need is positives in our lives...
I send my love, prayers and thoughts to the family
My prayer for the future is that we become more aware of the early warning signs and become a community of awareness... Until that day I pray we keep our eyes and ears open.
My mom listened to so much I had to say and then she took a deep breathe and said "I have some news.. this morning ____ found his son dead".
My first reaction was to cry... although I never met his son I knew of his father.. he was so sweet when my grandma passed away and even got up and said some very sweet things about her...
I told my mom to let me know what the arrangement were and she paused...
I did not know why she was acting so weird...
She said she was worried about me.. I did not understand.. then she told me why...
I had tried to commit suicide a month ago on this very day... my mom would have found me this morning if it were not for so many things...
It did not hit me till I was out to dinner with my daughter, but I tried to keep my mind of it....
When I got home I called my mom and I began to cry... you know that cry that is so hard to do because you have the lump in your throat...
So many things were going through my head...
I am upset because:
I am alive because I am suppose to help others see the warnings...
BUT I did not know him enough to know he was going through anything so that was not it..
I went through a few things before it hit me...
It could have been me a month ago... My family and friends could have been going through this a month ago.. I was so close to death that I could feel its breathe on me..
I remember when the ambulance came to get me I looked down at my feet and they were blue...
BUT this is not about me...
This is about a young man who did not want to live anymore and the people in his life who are spending so much time going over it in their heads... wondering what they could have done... I am telling you the answer is nothing... when someone is that far gone there is no talking them out of it... I had an amazing friend talking to me the whole time I was taking my pills and I was telling her what I knew she wanted to hear...
All I can say now is Thank God we have a Merciful God who knows his heart and his state of mind at the time...
Please do not judge... you never walked in his shoes
Please do not be negative... what we need is positives in our lives...
I send my love, prayers and thoughts to the family
My prayer for the future is that we become more aware of the early warning signs and become a community of awareness... Until that day I pray we keep our eyes and ears open.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
FORGIVENESS.... SO MANY PEOPLE TO ASK... BUT THE HARDEST ONE YET....
I began asking people for forgiveness and trying to explain to them that I was not "myself". Yet I believe a lot of them mostly distant family and people who were not friends to begin with believed I was using that as an excuse... I am Blessed to have the majority of my family who knew me and knew that this was not me and knew exactly what happened and know It is not an excuse..
My Church family has been amazing... and many who do not even know me have been so understandable..
BUT I had to apologize to someone who had been with me through it all... Through the good, the bad and the darkest of the dark...
To the one who I know I hurt the most, more than my daughter, more than my mother, more than anyone...
Going before this person made me so nervous, so anxious, please do not get me wrong this person is so understandable but I know how much I have hurt them....
I was more nervous than you could imagine...
More nervous than I was when I received my first ticket and had to tell my parents...
More nervous the night my mom found out I had an alcoholic drink and I was not of age...
More nervous than I was to tell my grandma that I was going to have a baby and I was not married...(Just a hint I was so scared to do that... I had my mom tell her..)
More nervous than I have ever been when coming to this wonderful person...
I was going to ask God for forgiveness...
Now I can hear some of you now saying.. You know you were forgiven... but I have to say, this was something so huge; I had made a choice to take my own life... to end God's creation before HE decided it was time.. Before He had seen me Thrive...
All my life I have picked up my cross and laid it back down... He had not seen me carry my Cross the way I was made to...
It was the first Friday in October and my parish was having Adoration and Confession...
I walked in with my daughter a little after seven with the hope that they would have already started... I was so anxious... some people knew what I had done and I had convinced myself that they would be full of judgement (which none of them were) this was making me anxious... So anxious I was trying not to talk myself out of going.
As I walked in with my daughter I did not see anyone that I knew...
Then He entered the room and was presented on the Altar...
It was announced that there was a priest that was there for confession and many began to get up but I was frozen... I could not move... I was in need of time with the Lord... Time for the two of us to just be together... even though there were many people in the Church it was just me and my Lord...
I had no watch, no phone, no way of telling time... I just was in the moment... I felt it was time to get up and go get in line.. God planned it out just right I was the last Confession..
The priest that was there that night was not the parish priest he was a stranger to me yet it felt as if we had known each other forever...
I confessed my attempt of suicide and I could see the look on his face was one of surprise... and I continued with my confession... Before he finished up he asked if he could pray with me... I was not going to pass that up. I cannot remember the words but I knew in that moment I was in the presence of the Lord...
As I turned away and walked back to my seat I seen a few people I knew and one of them held my hand in passing...
As the Deacon took the monstrance down the isles I felt the need to bow and look in awe He was there with me.. He was letting me know that He would never leave me...
I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU:
I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND YOU OPEN IT
I AM HAPPY TO COME IN AND LET YOU FEEL THE LOVE THAT I HAVE FOR YOU
THERE ARE TIMES IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME
YET I HAVE NEVER LEFT YOU
IN THOSE TIMES YOU FELT ALONE
I WAS WITH YOU
IN THOSE TIMES THAT YOU FELT DARKNESS
I WAS YOUR LIGHT
IN THOSE TIMES THAT YOU FELT SADNESS
I WIPED YOUR TEARS
IN THOSE TIMES WHEN YOU FELT YOU COULD NO LONGER LIVE
I KEPT YOU ALIVE
YOU ARE MADE FOR GREATER THINGS
YOU ARE MADE FOR GREATNESS
YOU ARE MADE FOR SO MUCH
HOW DO I KNOW
I MADE YOU FOR GREAT THINGS
I MADE YOU FOR GREATNESS
I MADE YOU FOR SO MUCH
IF YOU COULD SEE YOURSELF THE WAY I SEE YOU..
YOU WOULD ALWAYS SEE THE GOOD IN YOURSELF AND IN ALL
By: Tina Kay Plumb
My Church family has been amazing... and many who do not even know me have been so understandable..
BUT I had to apologize to someone who had been with me through it all... Through the good, the bad and the darkest of the dark...
To the one who I know I hurt the most, more than my daughter, more than my mother, more than anyone...
Going before this person made me so nervous, so anxious, please do not get me wrong this person is so understandable but I know how much I have hurt them....
I was more nervous than you could imagine...
More nervous than I was when I received my first ticket and had to tell my parents...
More nervous the night my mom found out I had an alcoholic drink and I was not of age...
More nervous than I was to tell my grandma that I was going to have a baby and I was not married...(Just a hint I was so scared to do that... I had my mom tell her..)
More nervous than I have ever been when coming to this wonderful person...
I was going to ask God for forgiveness...
Now I can hear some of you now saying.. You know you were forgiven... but I have to say, this was something so huge; I had made a choice to take my own life... to end God's creation before HE decided it was time.. Before He had seen me Thrive...
All my life I have picked up my cross and laid it back down... He had not seen me carry my Cross the way I was made to...
It was the first Friday in October and my parish was having Adoration and Confession...
I walked in with my daughter a little after seven with the hope that they would have already started... I was so anxious... some people knew what I had done and I had convinced myself that they would be full of judgement (which none of them were) this was making me anxious... So anxious I was trying not to talk myself out of going.
As I walked in with my daughter I did not see anyone that I knew...
Then He entered the room and was presented on the Altar...
It was announced that there was a priest that was there for confession and many began to get up but I was frozen... I could not move... I was in need of time with the Lord... Time for the two of us to just be together... even though there were many people in the Church it was just me and my Lord...
I had no watch, no phone, no way of telling time... I just was in the moment... I felt it was time to get up and go get in line.. God planned it out just right I was the last Confession..
The priest that was there that night was not the parish priest he was a stranger to me yet it felt as if we had known each other forever...
I confessed my attempt of suicide and I could see the look on his face was one of surprise... and I continued with my confession... Before he finished up he asked if he could pray with me... I was not going to pass that up. I cannot remember the words but I knew in that moment I was in the presence of the Lord...
As I turned away and walked back to my seat I seen a few people I knew and one of them held my hand in passing...
As the Deacon took the monstrance down the isles I felt the need to bow and look in awe He was there with me.. He was letting me know that He would never leave me...
I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU:
I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND YOU OPEN IT
I AM HAPPY TO COME IN AND LET YOU FEEL THE LOVE THAT I HAVE FOR YOU
THERE ARE TIMES IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME
YET I HAVE NEVER LEFT YOU
IN THOSE TIMES YOU FELT ALONE
I WAS WITH YOU
IN THOSE TIMES THAT YOU FELT DARKNESS
I WAS YOUR LIGHT
IN THOSE TIMES THAT YOU FELT SADNESS
I WIPED YOUR TEARS
IN THOSE TIMES WHEN YOU FELT YOU COULD NO LONGER LIVE
I KEPT YOU ALIVE
YOU ARE MADE FOR GREATER THINGS
YOU ARE MADE FOR GREATNESS
YOU ARE MADE FOR SO MUCH
HOW DO I KNOW
I MADE YOU FOR GREAT THINGS
I MADE YOU FOR GREATNESS
I MADE YOU FOR SO MUCH
IF YOU COULD SEE YOURSELF THE WAY I SEE YOU..
YOU WOULD ALWAYS SEE THE GOOD IN YOURSELF AND IN ALL
By: Tina Kay Plumb
Saturday, October 11, 2014
FLASHBACKS FACEBOOK AND PROOF
My mom had told me that I had said and did so many things that were not pleasant but I did not believe her...
Yet all of that would be changed very quickly... too quickly...
When I was released my mom took me to her home I was still very weak and she took care of Christina and I....
I could barely walk up the stares I had no strength in me...
I wanted to wash my hair so I went and got the shampoo and a towel... As I approached the sink I noticed the window was open... and I could hear the traffic from the expressway... I immediately thought of something horrible I said to my daughter.. Something I would never say to her... yet I did... That flashback was just the beginning of a wave of memories of things that I said... I was never physically abusive to her but words can be just as bad... As we sat down at dinner I remember I told my mom that I would give her temp custody...
Then I opened up my computer... went on facebook and for some reason I went on my home page and there was so many post that stunned me... Post I do not remember posting... Post that were so shockingly not like me that embarrassed me... I begin to delete them as fast as I could as if that would erase their existence... yet they had been there for a while and had been seen by many, the damage was already done...
I began sending out apologies and tried to explain that it was not me... but most people have never been here and do not understand and I believe they think it is just an excuse. Thank God I had a very wonderful person in my life who when I apologized told me to stop and just take care of me. This person knew what it was like and understood and has been so understanding... I thank God that I am not alone and I have someone close to me that I can talk to...
I was told that it will take time to heal the wounds that I have created, and I was also told that I have apologized and now it is up to the person to accept it or not but I have done what I could...
If I could go back in time I would change it .... But as we all know there is not a time machine... there is not a button that says change past....
I am truly sorry to all that I hurt either through my words or my actions...
I am working on getting better everyday...
For now I am working on me and getting better for my daughter who is my life and my world
Why have I chosen to write out my details?
Simple if one person reads this and can relate maybe just maybe they will get some help before it is too late...
PLEASE DO NOT WAIT TO GET HELP
PLEASE DO NOT STOP ANY OF YOUR MEDICINE WITHOUT A DOCTORS OKAY
PLEASE DO NOT BE AFRAID TO GET HELP IT IS OKAY YOU ARE WORTH IT!
Yet all of that would be changed very quickly... too quickly...
When I was released my mom took me to her home I was still very weak and she took care of Christina and I....
I could barely walk up the stares I had no strength in me...
I wanted to wash my hair so I went and got the shampoo and a towel... As I approached the sink I noticed the window was open... and I could hear the traffic from the expressway... I immediately thought of something horrible I said to my daughter.. Something I would never say to her... yet I did... That flashback was just the beginning of a wave of memories of things that I said... I was never physically abusive to her but words can be just as bad... As we sat down at dinner I remember I told my mom that I would give her temp custody...
Then I opened up my computer... went on facebook and for some reason I went on my home page and there was so many post that stunned me... Post I do not remember posting... Post that were so shockingly not like me that embarrassed me... I begin to delete them as fast as I could as if that would erase their existence... yet they had been there for a while and had been seen by many, the damage was already done...
I began sending out apologies and tried to explain that it was not me... but most people have never been here and do not understand and I believe they think it is just an excuse. Thank God I had a very wonderful person in my life who when I apologized told me to stop and just take care of me. This person knew what it was like and understood and has been so understanding... I thank God that I am not alone and I have someone close to me that I can talk to...
I was told that it will take time to heal the wounds that I have created, and I was also told that I have apologized and now it is up to the person to accept it or not but I have done what I could...
If I could go back in time I would change it .... But as we all know there is not a time machine... there is not a button that says change past....
I am truly sorry to all that I hurt either through my words or my actions...
I am working on getting better everyday...
For now I am working on me and getting better for my daughter who is my life and my world
Why have I chosen to write out my details?
Simple if one person reads this and can relate maybe just maybe they will get some help before it is too late...
PLEASE DO NOT WAIT TO GET HELP
PLEASE DO NOT STOP ANY OF YOUR MEDICINE WITHOUT A DOCTORS OKAY
PLEASE DO NOT BE AFRAID TO GET HELP IT IS OKAY YOU ARE WORTH IT!
DAY SIX... SEVEN CENTRAL DISCHARGE AND SCARED
Tuesday came along just like any other day....
Breakfast, came early and fast...
Then rules... again the same ones EVERYDAY, yet there were some extra ones today because it was visitor day!!!
Activity for the woman was full of student nurses I think there were more of them then us...
Then group at this point I began to pick up on people and the way they acted towards other people... I guess I was becoming more like "Tina" it was hard to see people want the floor and everyone to pay attention during their time then when it was up they would fall asleep or get up and leave... I was the last person to talk...
There were very few people in the room and I said "I wish the new people did not get up and leave because when I first came in here I hated my mom, I blamed everything on her and now I realize that she was protecting my daughter from a very mean person that I had become..."
Lunch was served and right before visiting hours I was called in to see the doctor...
She said; "You do not want to go to group" and I interupted her and said "What do you think I should do?" She said "I believe it would be good for you, it is a step-down from here and you would not be going home with nothing" I then agreed to do it saying "you are the expert" She then said the words I never thought I would hear "Well if you agree you can be released today!"
My mom came at 2:00 to visit me and at 2:34 I was released, I left quick and only said good-bye to only a few because it was sad...
I walked out of the hospital with no shoes on... just my hospital socks...
As I stood outside waiting for my mom to pull the car up I just stood there breathing in the fresh air... it was the most amazing feeling in the world..
Fresh air.. what we take for granted until it is taken away from us...
What I did not know was I was about to be shaken alive and what I would learn was not good....
Breakfast, came early and fast...
Then rules... again the same ones EVERYDAY, yet there were some extra ones today because it was visitor day!!!
Activity for the woman was full of student nurses I think there were more of them then us...
Then group at this point I began to pick up on people and the way they acted towards other people... I guess I was becoming more like "Tina" it was hard to see people want the floor and everyone to pay attention during their time then when it was up they would fall asleep or get up and leave... I was the last person to talk...
There were very few people in the room and I said "I wish the new people did not get up and leave because when I first came in here I hated my mom, I blamed everything on her and now I realize that she was protecting my daughter from a very mean person that I had become..."
Lunch was served and right before visiting hours I was called in to see the doctor...
She said; "You do not want to go to group" and I interupted her and said "What do you think I should do?" She said "I believe it would be good for you, it is a step-down from here and you would not be going home with nothing" I then agreed to do it saying "you are the expert" She then said the words I never thought I would hear "Well if you agree you can be released today!"
My mom came at 2:00 to visit me and at 2:34 I was released, I left quick and only said good-bye to only a few because it was sad...
I walked out of the hospital with no shoes on... just my hospital socks...
As I stood outside waiting for my mom to pull the car up I just stood there breathing in the fresh air... it was the most amazing feeling in the world..
Fresh air.. what we take for granted until it is taken away from us...
What I did not know was I was about to be shaken alive and what I would learn was not good....
Friday, October 10, 2014
DAY 5 ON SEVEN CENTRAL... PSYCH FLOOR
Monday .... Oh Monday...
I thought you would be a normal day... well as close to normal as we could get on a psych floor... but BOY did you have surprise for me....
"BREAKFAST" Was yelled loud as cold be as usual..... followed by the rules... the same rules EVERYDAY!!!! Then the day continued with activity with the girls while the men had their group... activity was fun filled and full of student nurses who loved to pick your brain and ask you a million questions... but as I learned from when I was in once with my a issue with my heart they have to learn some how...
You could not hide from them they would FIND you...
So between groups they would have their questions that they had to ask you so today felt as if I was being attacked with questions... the same ones I had answered a million times... well maybe not that much...
I had been on new medicine now for a while and I had been eating so I felt more like me... So when we started group it was hard for me, to I listen to people tell their stories I would forget about mine and want to help... I still do and am reminded that I have to focus on me for a while...
After group and before lunch the doctor wanted to see me and she mentioned me going to a program that was from 8:00 in the morning till 3:00 in the afternoon she described it as a group program... I told her I did not want to go because hearing other people's problems and stories made me sad and this was true.. so she said what she had been saying "we will see how you do tomorrow" when other were talking about discharge I did not even think about it... I did not want to get my hopes up just to be told "one more day" or "one more week" which I had heard from other people up there.
Lunch came and then it started to happen... people started to go home... the same people who had helped me feel comfortable, gave me hints, heard my story and encouraged me all began to be discharged... This was hard... not because I was jealous I was happy for them I was sad because I had become friends with some amazing people that understood this darkness that I had seen because they themselves had been there too.
By evening there were more men then there were woman and that was strange...
There were new people coming up and taking their places but it was not the same...
No one tells you that the ones who help you the most will be ripped away from you without warning...
I think about them so much and wonder if they are on the right path... if they have a support group to fall back on... if they are lonely... if they are okay...
I pray everyday at lunch that God will protect and watch over all of us and keep up safe and help keep us on the right path... I pray that we will see each other again but not up there... in a restaurant or a store out among "the others"
I thought you would be a normal day... well as close to normal as we could get on a psych floor... but BOY did you have surprise for me....
"BREAKFAST" Was yelled loud as cold be as usual..... followed by the rules... the same rules EVERYDAY!!!! Then the day continued with activity with the girls while the men had their group... activity was fun filled and full of student nurses who loved to pick your brain and ask you a million questions... but as I learned from when I was in once with my a issue with my heart they have to learn some how...
You could not hide from them they would FIND you...
So between groups they would have their questions that they had to ask you so today felt as if I was being attacked with questions... the same ones I had answered a million times... well maybe not that much...
I had been on new medicine now for a while and I had been eating so I felt more like me... So when we started group it was hard for me, to I listen to people tell their stories I would forget about mine and want to help... I still do and am reminded that I have to focus on me for a while...
After group and before lunch the doctor wanted to see me and she mentioned me going to a program that was from 8:00 in the morning till 3:00 in the afternoon she described it as a group program... I told her I did not want to go because hearing other people's problems and stories made me sad and this was true.. so she said what she had been saying "we will see how you do tomorrow" when other were talking about discharge I did not even think about it... I did not want to get my hopes up just to be told "one more day" or "one more week" which I had heard from other people up there.
Lunch came and then it started to happen... people started to go home... the same people who had helped me feel comfortable, gave me hints, heard my story and encouraged me all began to be discharged... This was hard... not because I was jealous I was happy for them I was sad because I had become friends with some amazing people that understood this darkness that I had seen because they themselves had been there too.
By evening there were more men then there were woman and that was strange...
There were new people coming up and taking their places but it was not the same...
No one tells you that the ones who help you the most will be ripped away from you without warning...
I think about them so much and wonder if they are on the right path... if they have a support group to fall back on... if they are lonely... if they are okay...
I pray everyday at lunch that God will protect and watch over all of us and keep up safe and help keep us on the right path... I pray that we will see each other again but not up there... in a restaurant or a store out among "the others"
Thursday, October 9, 2014
DAY 4... SEVEN CENTRAL.... PSYCH FLOOR
Day four in my own prison full of people who had their own issues...some were there because they knew they were spiraling down and volunteered and others were there because they were made... I fell in that category of; you have no choice, yet they wanted you to be there to help yourself... I finally was grasping that.
An important part of this journey for me was I did not want my daughter to know what I did, I wanted to explain it to her in person...
Yet when I called home I was informed that she "overheard" and knew... I felt as if a part of my heart was ripped out of me... as if any progress I had made was erased.
I remember asking to speak with her and apologizing and her telling me "Mama, it is okay" that is her "thing" my thing is apologizing. I guess that is why her thing is saying it is okay...
I told her it was NOT okay and no one should ever do what I did. I began to cry and could not speak anymore so I tried to tell her I loved her and then asked for my mom...
Sunday was a different type of day because they were working on switching something over in the hospital so that meant a Black out from 8:30-7:00. So before anyone could yell "breakfast" there was this horrible smell coming through the vents... I have seen many movies on the Holocaust and I would never ever compare my life to anything that they went through... Yet as I smelled this weird smell I envisioned the trains they would put the people on and gas them... I had to get out of that room... It is weird how your mind will work when you have nothing to do but think...
Everyone smelled the same smell, it turned out it was diesel from the generators that were powering the important computers and machines in the hospital...
Breakfast was being served when the power went out... so that meant if you needed to go to the restroom you went in the dark, they suggested that you kept your bathroom door open for light but what if someone walked in to your room?!?!?! The nurses all had tiny flashlights and we did get a radio that ran on batteries.... Talk about strange being in the hospital and hearing Miley Cyrus singing "We Can't Stop" ... seriously!!! With the power being out that meant no water machine, no ice machine, no coffee... What was suppose to be a outage till seven at night turned out to be a small one... the lights were back on around three.
When the lights did come back on they kept the kitchen open the whole time I guess as a reward because we did so good with no power....
Monday would be a hard day... a lot of people that I became friends with would be discharged and although I was happy for them it was hard...
An important part of this journey for me was I did not want my daughter to know what I did, I wanted to explain it to her in person...
Yet when I called home I was informed that she "overheard" and knew... I felt as if a part of my heart was ripped out of me... as if any progress I had made was erased.
I remember asking to speak with her and apologizing and her telling me "Mama, it is okay" that is her "thing" my thing is apologizing. I guess that is why her thing is saying it is okay...
I told her it was NOT okay and no one should ever do what I did. I began to cry and could not speak anymore so I tried to tell her I loved her and then asked for my mom...
Sunday was a different type of day because they were working on switching something over in the hospital so that meant a Black out from 8:30-7:00. So before anyone could yell "breakfast" there was this horrible smell coming through the vents... I have seen many movies on the Holocaust and I would never ever compare my life to anything that they went through... Yet as I smelled this weird smell I envisioned the trains they would put the people on and gas them... I had to get out of that room... It is weird how your mind will work when you have nothing to do but think...
Everyone smelled the same smell, it turned out it was diesel from the generators that were powering the important computers and machines in the hospital...
Breakfast was being served when the power went out... so that meant if you needed to go to the restroom you went in the dark, they suggested that you kept your bathroom door open for light but what if someone walked in to your room?!?!?! The nurses all had tiny flashlights and we did get a radio that ran on batteries.... Talk about strange being in the hospital and hearing Miley Cyrus singing "We Can't Stop" ... seriously!!! With the power being out that meant no water machine, no ice machine, no coffee... What was suppose to be a outage till seven at night turned out to be a small one... the lights were back on around three.
When the lights did come back on they kept the kitchen open the whole time I guess as a reward because we did so good with no power....
Monday would be a hard day... a lot of people that I became friends with would be discharged and although I was happy for them it was hard...
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
DAY 3.... SEVEN CENTRAL.... THE PSYCH FLOOR....
Visitor's day:
There is something that you need to know before I even begin this day...
My mom, in my mind she was the worst person in the world... I did not want to talk to her, I did not want to see her, I even went so far as to tell the nurses that when she called they were to tell her NOTHING!!!
I was still seeing her as taking my daughter away from me... If you can imagine a human brain more than half of the left side... I am talking about even coming down to the right ear just heard the word take... then what was left which was not much would try and tell me it was temporary... it was as if there was a very small part of me still alive in this mind that had been taken over by hatefulness and yes even evilness...
I was told by my caseworker that she believed I should hear my mom out so I called the night before (Friday night) and asked her to come up...
Saturday started as the others did...
BREAKFAST being called out in the hallways... I was not used to this early wake-up at all
Then the rules today was different because there were visitors so we were told some new rules that were about them and what we could do and mostly what we could not do...
For example my visitor was not allowed to see where I slept... they had to stay in one of the two lounges.
My mom came in with some candy, (I was so excited about the because the medicine gave me dry mouth)... some clothes from home (I was finally able to take a shower and get dressed in my own clothes) and some other things.
I do not know how my mom felt about being there, having her belongings locked up, having to be checked with a metal detector, she did not talk about it... she just held my hand as I told her about different people that scared me and others that had helped me... She wanted to meet my roommate but she was laying down....
It was an hour long but it felt as if she was there for fifteen minutes... It was hard to give her a hug and have her go...
On Saturday there was no group because the social workers were not there...
It was a long day... I spent most of my time in the smaller lounge also known as the "sport's lounge" because less people were in there and I liked the silence...
We were told that Sunday there would be no visitors because there would be no power from 8:00- 7:00 so they were going around giving out all the pop-cycles they had... I still was not in the mood to eat...
I think it was dinner I had a fruit cocktail and it tasted so good... I would be able to eat after that.
Saturday was hard because you are there all day long BUT it does not count for any time that you are there.... So if you were to sign the seventy-two hour sheet (which I did not) You did not get any credit for Saturday or Sunday.
Saturday evening there was a gentlemen named rev. James that came up to talk to us...
He was so very nice, as the storm hit outside and we were under a sever thunderstorm warning we spoke with him, the group was small maybe six...
He quoted the Bible verse "If God is with us than who can be against us"
My roommate and myself spoke about how it was God who brought us together...
After speaking with him, he came over shook my hand and told me that I was made for greatness!
I am sure I am not alone with this... when someone gives me a compliment I think "If you only knew"
I met some amazing people in that room that evening... I realized that these people were just like me... some were there because they could not afford their medicine and stopped it or stopped it because they began to feel better and thought "I do not need it anymore" NEVER STOP YOUR MEDICINE WITHOUT YOUR DOCTOR'S APPROVAL!!
Some where there because of alcohol or drugs, some where suicide attempts, some were there because they knew ahead of time to get help before it went that far and some were in bad relationships... the list goes on and on... the point is I believed that I was not like "those people" and I was wrong... I actually have never in my life met more sincere, honest and caring people in my life...
There is something that you need to know before I even begin this day...
My mom, in my mind she was the worst person in the world... I did not want to talk to her, I did not want to see her, I even went so far as to tell the nurses that when she called they were to tell her NOTHING!!!
I was still seeing her as taking my daughter away from me... If you can imagine a human brain more than half of the left side... I am talking about even coming down to the right ear just heard the word take... then what was left which was not much would try and tell me it was temporary... it was as if there was a very small part of me still alive in this mind that had been taken over by hatefulness and yes even evilness...
I was told by my caseworker that she believed I should hear my mom out so I called the night before (Friday night) and asked her to come up...
Saturday started as the others did...
BREAKFAST being called out in the hallways... I was not used to this early wake-up at all
Then the rules today was different because there were visitors so we were told some new rules that were about them and what we could do and mostly what we could not do...
For example my visitor was not allowed to see where I slept... they had to stay in one of the two lounges.
My mom came in with some candy, (I was so excited about the because the medicine gave me dry mouth)... some clothes from home (I was finally able to take a shower and get dressed in my own clothes) and some other things.
I do not know how my mom felt about being there, having her belongings locked up, having to be checked with a metal detector, she did not talk about it... she just held my hand as I told her about different people that scared me and others that had helped me... She wanted to meet my roommate but she was laying down....
It was an hour long but it felt as if she was there for fifteen minutes... It was hard to give her a hug and have her go...
On Saturday there was no group because the social workers were not there...
It was a long day... I spent most of my time in the smaller lounge also known as the "sport's lounge" because less people were in there and I liked the silence...
We were told that Sunday there would be no visitors because there would be no power from 8:00- 7:00 so they were going around giving out all the pop-cycles they had... I still was not in the mood to eat...
I think it was dinner I had a fruit cocktail and it tasted so good... I would be able to eat after that.
Saturday was hard because you are there all day long BUT it does not count for any time that you are there.... So if you were to sign the seventy-two hour sheet (which I did not) You did not get any credit for Saturday or Sunday.
Saturday evening there was a gentlemen named rev. James that came up to talk to us...
He was so very nice, as the storm hit outside and we were under a sever thunderstorm warning we spoke with him, the group was small maybe six...
He quoted the Bible verse "If God is with us than who can be against us"
My roommate and myself spoke about how it was God who brought us together...
After speaking with him, he came over shook my hand and told me that I was made for greatness!
I am sure I am not alone with this... when someone gives me a compliment I think "If you only knew"
I met some amazing people in that room that evening... I realized that these people were just like me... some were there because they could not afford their medicine and stopped it or stopped it because they began to feel better and thought "I do not need it anymore" NEVER STOP YOUR MEDICINE WITHOUT YOUR DOCTOR'S APPROVAL!!
Some where there because of alcohol or drugs, some where suicide attempts, some were there because they knew ahead of time to get help before it went that far and some were in bad relationships... the list goes on and on... the point is I believed that I was not like "those people" and I was wrong... I actually have never in my life met more sincere, honest and caring people in my life...
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
DAY 2: PSYCH WARD... AKA SEVEN CENTRAL..
After a long night.. one of me crying most of the night to my grandma to please help me and to God to please forgive me... I met my new roommate... Due to confidentially I cannot go into much detail but I do have to say that she helped me A LOT!! She sang to me an old Gospel hymn and I knew that God had put me in that room for a reason..
The song went like this:
Come in the room, Come in the room, Jesus is my doctor He writes all my Scriptures He gives me all of my medicine in the room...
I am so Thankful for her... The next morning was hard, my first full day..
I could hear someone calling out "Breakfast" I got up and went and received my tray and sat down but the smell of it made me so sick that I went back to the room...
Then about thirty minutes later I heard a loud voice I knew I better get up... it was a man who was going over the rules.. (the same ones everyday) I was in the corner wrapped up in blankets still scared to death...
People were making jokes and laughing and I just did not know why or how they could be laughing in this place...
After he was done it was time to get to work... You were encouraged to get dressed and walk around in your own clothes but I did not have any and visiting day was on Saturday and this was Friday... So I walked around in the hospital gown and lots of blankets.
The next thing I knew it was activity time...
There was Motown music and making bracelets and for a second I forgot where I was... I remembered my mom singing these songs when I was younger... the Temptations, the Four tops and so much more... I was doing great until a woman spoke up and said "It makes you forget where you are doesn't it" and just like a snap I was back to reality.
When it was over we had a ten minute break and it was time for group...
I heard so many stories... then it was lunch time again I could not eat... I went to my room and asked for my social worker... When she came in I started crying telling her I was not like these people... I did not belong here.. and the weekend was coming up and you do not get credit for Saturday and or Sunday.. I was so frustrated. She told me to try and relax and try to get better my potassium was 0. I stayed in bed for the rest of the day.
I have never prayed so much in my life, I actually was praying to my grandma more than God. I was begging her to give me her strength because I did not know how I was going to do it. Little did I know she would be with me there and every where I went...
The song went like this:
Come in the room, Come in the room, Jesus is my doctor He writes all my Scriptures He gives me all of my medicine in the room...
I am so Thankful for her... The next morning was hard, my first full day..
I could hear someone calling out "Breakfast" I got up and went and received my tray and sat down but the smell of it made me so sick that I went back to the room...
Then about thirty minutes later I heard a loud voice I knew I better get up... it was a man who was going over the rules.. (the same ones everyday) I was in the corner wrapped up in blankets still scared to death...
People were making jokes and laughing and I just did not know why or how they could be laughing in this place...
After he was done it was time to get to work... You were encouraged to get dressed and walk around in your own clothes but I did not have any and visiting day was on Saturday and this was Friday... So I walked around in the hospital gown and lots of blankets.
The next thing I knew it was activity time...
There was Motown music and making bracelets and for a second I forgot where I was... I remembered my mom singing these songs when I was younger... the Temptations, the Four tops and so much more... I was doing great until a woman spoke up and said "It makes you forget where you are doesn't it" and just like a snap I was back to reality.
When it was over we had a ten minute break and it was time for group...
I heard so many stories... then it was lunch time again I could not eat... I went to my room and asked for my social worker... When she came in I started crying telling her I was not like these people... I did not belong here.. and the weekend was coming up and you do not get credit for Saturday and or Sunday.. I was so frustrated. She told me to try and relax and try to get better my potassium was 0. I stayed in bed for the rest of the day.
I have never prayed so much in my life, I actually was praying to my grandma more than God. I was begging her to give me her strength because I did not know how I was going to do it. Little did I know she would be with me there and every where I went...
Monday, October 6, 2014
THE 7TH FLOOR.... PSYCH FLOOR.. DO NOT JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER...
DAY ONE:
My room on the fourth floor was right across from the nurses station that meant a few things, one of them was I could hear the nurses talking...
So as it grew time for me to be moved from the fourth floor to the seventh I became very nervous... I guess it was mostly because of those ideas that were placed in my mind from the movies.... For example Shutter Island, Patch Adams and Awakenings...
I remember them telling me my room was available and if you know anything about hospitals you are not immediately taken to your room it is hours before you are moved,... So that allowed my mind to think about how horrible it was going to be and this made me more and more terrified about the "move".
I remember the nice young man who came to get me, I had not eaten in days, just the smell of food made me sick and whenever they gave me medicine I gagged (I still do). I guess that is one of the "side effects" of overdosing. I was taken from my room to the seventh floor by wheelchair... I was given my belongings which were not many in a bag and I remember clutching onto it as if it was the last item I would ever see.
As I was wheeled up to seven central also known as the psych floor I cannot describe the terror that I was feeling....
I remember the elevator door opening and he wheeled me in back wards and as that huge glass door closed shut my first thought was; "this must be what prison feels like"...
I was taken to my room (everyone had a roommate) my room number was 770 the last room in the place at the end of this long hallway... The room next to me was a man... I thought to myself "Why are there men and woman so close to each other why are they not separated?" The young man who brought me up to the floor gave me a tour of the place. As he showed me the Kitchen that was basically a ice machine, water and coffee machine that was only open during certain times of the day... Then there was a large lounge filled with many people playing cards, and some watching TV. then there was a woman's shower and a men's shower the rule that I liked the best was one person at a time in the shower.... there was a laundry room that was locked at all times... all the rooms were locked at all times accept the two lounges and the kitchen that had certain hours.
I remember him asking me were I wanted to go and I replied "to my room please" I was terrified of the laughing in the lounges and the people walking the halls,... As I sat in the room I looked at the emptiness...
There was what they call a box bed with no support at all there was a book case but all the doors were taken off and the hinges were removed... there was a waste basket but had a paper bag no plastic was allowed. The window was unable to open and within the two window pains were blinds what I was not able to close along with the blinds were a metal cage.... As I stared out the window I once again wondered if this was what prison was like.
I felt the need to get out of the wheel chair and go to the window... the sun was setting and as I stared at it I wondered if my daughter was looking at the same sunset,,,,
I soon got very tired and had to sit back down....
After sitting there and feeling sorry for myself I wheeled myself out in the hallway.... there I met some woman who were very friendly... They welcomed me and protected me from the few men who were trying to get attention... As I sat there they began telling me why they were there and even some great tips...
1.) DO NOT give away your food... This was a big one that I learned... The first couple days I could not eat and I just left it on table but after five days of no food the patients were more concerned then the nurse and or doctors.
When I could eat there were many that would ask "can I have" and or "are you gonna eat that"
2.) Make sure you get an extra drink when the kitchen was open for night time because when the kitchen was closed not many nurses would open it for you.
3) Watch out for "_____" He is a homeless man who has been here for four months, Every time it comes time for him to go home he falls flat on the ground so they will let him stay. I asked why and they said think about it....He has a warm shower, three meas a day plus snacks, warm bed and TV.
4) Oh yes and the schedule... it was not a time for rest and or laziness you were there to get help and you were to go to group sessions...
A) 7:00-7:45 Breakfast
B) 8:00 Rules this was the same everyday... the same rules read over and over
C) 8:15- 8:30 Make out menus
D) 9:00-10:00 Activity for the woman group for men
E) 11:00-12:00 Woman Group and Activity for Men
F) 12:00-12:45 Lunch
G) 2:00 Education
H) 5:00 Supper
I) Activity (bingo for example and if there was candy the more people played)
J) 8:30 Snack Could be a sandwich with juice or peanut-butter with crackers
K) 11:00 TV's OFF
My first night I did not get to bed till 11:30 because they changed my room. I needed a bed were the head of the bed would come up... Now before you go thinking it was a regular hospital bed it was not.... They had to crank it up by hand... I had never seen such a thing...
Another thing I had never seen was so much dirt in a hospital... The socks they gave me were black within an hour after they gave me...I guess they figured we were all to out of it to realize that we deserved a clean floor.
*Wow this has taken me back to a pace that I pray I never go again and I pray that the reader never has to go. I pray that my testament helps someone...
I beg you, do not wait for help... There is nothing wrong with getting help!
My room on the fourth floor was right across from the nurses station that meant a few things, one of them was I could hear the nurses talking...
So as it grew time for me to be moved from the fourth floor to the seventh I became very nervous... I guess it was mostly because of those ideas that were placed in my mind from the movies.... For example Shutter Island, Patch Adams and Awakenings...
I remember them telling me my room was available and if you know anything about hospitals you are not immediately taken to your room it is hours before you are moved,... So that allowed my mind to think about how horrible it was going to be and this made me more and more terrified about the "move".
I remember the nice young man who came to get me, I had not eaten in days, just the smell of food made me sick and whenever they gave me medicine I gagged (I still do). I guess that is one of the "side effects" of overdosing. I was taken from my room to the seventh floor by wheelchair... I was given my belongings which were not many in a bag and I remember clutching onto it as if it was the last item I would ever see.
As I was wheeled up to seven central also known as the psych floor I cannot describe the terror that I was feeling....
I remember the elevator door opening and he wheeled me in back wards and as that huge glass door closed shut my first thought was; "this must be what prison feels like"...
I was taken to my room (everyone had a roommate) my room number was 770 the last room in the place at the end of this long hallway... The room next to me was a man... I thought to myself "Why are there men and woman so close to each other why are they not separated?" The young man who brought me up to the floor gave me a tour of the place. As he showed me the Kitchen that was basically a ice machine, water and coffee machine that was only open during certain times of the day... Then there was a large lounge filled with many people playing cards, and some watching TV. then there was a woman's shower and a men's shower the rule that I liked the best was one person at a time in the shower.... there was a laundry room that was locked at all times... all the rooms were locked at all times accept the two lounges and the kitchen that had certain hours.
I remember him asking me were I wanted to go and I replied "to my room please" I was terrified of the laughing in the lounges and the people walking the halls,... As I sat in the room I looked at the emptiness...
There was what they call a box bed with no support at all there was a book case but all the doors were taken off and the hinges were removed... there was a waste basket but had a paper bag no plastic was allowed. The window was unable to open and within the two window pains were blinds what I was not able to close along with the blinds were a metal cage.... As I stared out the window I once again wondered if this was what prison was like.
I felt the need to get out of the wheel chair and go to the window... the sun was setting and as I stared at it I wondered if my daughter was looking at the same sunset,,,,
I soon got very tired and had to sit back down....
After sitting there and feeling sorry for myself I wheeled myself out in the hallway.... there I met some woman who were very friendly... They welcomed me and protected me from the few men who were trying to get attention... As I sat there they began telling me why they were there and even some great tips...
1.) DO NOT give away your food... This was a big one that I learned... The first couple days I could not eat and I just left it on table but after five days of no food the patients were more concerned then the nurse and or doctors.
When I could eat there were many that would ask "can I have" and or "are you gonna eat that"
2.) Make sure you get an extra drink when the kitchen was open for night time because when the kitchen was closed not many nurses would open it for you.
3) Watch out for "_____" He is a homeless man who has been here for four months, Every time it comes time for him to go home he falls flat on the ground so they will let him stay. I asked why and they said think about it....He has a warm shower, three meas a day plus snacks, warm bed and TV.
4) Oh yes and the schedule... it was not a time for rest and or laziness you were there to get help and you were to go to group sessions...
A) 7:00-7:45 Breakfast
B) 8:00 Rules this was the same everyday... the same rules read over and over
C) 8:15- 8:30 Make out menus
D) 9:00-10:00 Activity for the woman group for men
E) 11:00-12:00 Woman Group and Activity for Men
F) 12:00-12:45 Lunch
G) 2:00 Education
H) 5:00 Supper
I) Activity (bingo for example and if there was candy the more people played)
J) 8:30 Snack Could be a sandwich with juice or peanut-butter with crackers
K) 11:00 TV's OFF
My first night I did not get to bed till 11:30 because they changed my room. I needed a bed were the head of the bed would come up... Now before you go thinking it was a regular hospital bed it was not.... They had to crank it up by hand... I had never seen such a thing...
Another thing I had never seen was so much dirt in a hospital... The socks they gave me were black within an hour after they gave me...I guess they figured we were all to out of it to realize that we deserved a clean floor.
*Wow this has taken me back to a pace that I pray I never go again and I pray that the reader never has to go. I pray that my testament helps someone...
I beg you, do not wait for help... There is nothing wrong with getting help!
Saturday, October 4, 2014
SUICIDE AND THE GIRL WHO LIVED TO TELL OTHERS
As I began to write this post I almost started a new blog, yet as I looked at the title I realized "My life the ups and downs" was just where this belonged. That is because part of this story is where I hit rock bottom... I know I have written about hitting the bottom before but this is as Axl Rose would say "Knocking on Heaven's Door" bottom.
With the loss of my Grandma in January, my dog in March and adding on top of that not taking one of anti-depressants for about seven days. I became a person that no one recognized...
I was coping well.... I guess... then the roller coaster began....
Attention all keep your hands in and buckle your seat belt we are about to go a journey that this writer hopes and prays you never have to experience. One that she is sharing only to hep you understand, one that is so dark that death was looking her right in the eyes.
Monday night Sept 6th around 6 p.m. I decided that my life was to end. Yes I was to end my life and no one would have a say in it. As a matter of fact a friend of mine asked me if I was okay and at the same time I began to take pills a hand full at a time. 100 of this kind, 75 of this kind, 40 of another and 9 to finish it off. Life was not worth living in my mind my daughter was being taken away from me (which was not true, I had convinced myself to be true) and on top of that she did not want to be with me. So what was the point?!?!
As I laid in bed waiting for death to take over a rush came over, a rush that can only be explained as fire. It began at my head and worked its way flowing like a wave through my body all they way to my feet. I remember thinking "Oh Dear God what have I done" then within a half an hour I was vomiting full pills and this continued all night long and into Tuesday morning.
I was staying at my mom's and she new how long I had been sick so she called 911. When the ambulance showed up and I asked "Do I have to go in?"
I remember the look on their faces... I remember looking at my feet as they were turning blue..
As I got in the ambulance I did not say a word about overdose till we got to the hospital...
That is when I really wished I had not done what I did...
There was no need to pump my stomach due to that fact that I had been throwing up for over twelve hours... their concern was kidney and liver failure. So I had to drink charcoal... This Thick charcoal, why; because the charcoal would get all the chemicals out of my organs. I could not drink it so they put a tube in my nose down into my throat. A procedure she said would take two minutes took so much longer because the charcoal is thick.... I ended up NOT keeping that down and had to dink more...
When I was in the ER my friend Molly left work early and came to sit with me and my mom. My priest also came up to see me... I remember I cried as each of them walked in. I had convinced myself that no one care if I were gone and here were people coming in to see me and check on me.
I had to stay on the fourth floor before going to seven central. I was not allowed to have a phone, garbage bag, gloves, ect. so many things that you find in a normal room were taken out because I was a suicide risk. I also had a sitter 24 hrs the whole time I was on the floor. No one was allowed to come and see me and or call about me.
After poison control had cleared me I was on my way up to Seven Central also known as the psych floor...
A terrifying time for me....
One that you will learn more about soon...
Things I have learned:
*NEVER go off your medicine unless ordered by a doctor.
*When a person starts to isolate themselves from others that is a HUGE red flag
*When a person's personality changes BIG time that is another red flag
*Depression and Anxiety needs to be addressed more, it is an illness and people need to be informed!
With the loss of my Grandma in January, my dog in March and adding on top of that not taking one of anti-depressants for about seven days. I became a person that no one recognized...
I was coping well.... I guess... then the roller coaster began....
Attention all keep your hands in and buckle your seat belt we are about to go a journey that this writer hopes and prays you never have to experience. One that she is sharing only to hep you understand, one that is so dark that death was looking her right in the eyes.
Monday night Sept 6th around 6 p.m. I decided that my life was to end. Yes I was to end my life and no one would have a say in it. As a matter of fact a friend of mine asked me if I was okay and at the same time I began to take pills a hand full at a time. 100 of this kind, 75 of this kind, 40 of another and 9 to finish it off. Life was not worth living in my mind my daughter was being taken away from me (which was not true, I had convinced myself to be true) and on top of that she did not want to be with me. So what was the point?!?!
As I laid in bed waiting for death to take over a rush came over, a rush that can only be explained as fire. It began at my head and worked its way flowing like a wave through my body all they way to my feet. I remember thinking "Oh Dear God what have I done" then within a half an hour I was vomiting full pills and this continued all night long and into Tuesday morning.
I was staying at my mom's and she new how long I had been sick so she called 911. When the ambulance showed up and I asked "Do I have to go in?"
I remember the look on their faces... I remember looking at my feet as they were turning blue..
As I got in the ambulance I did not say a word about overdose till we got to the hospital...
That is when I really wished I had not done what I did...
There was no need to pump my stomach due to that fact that I had been throwing up for over twelve hours... their concern was kidney and liver failure. So I had to drink charcoal... This Thick charcoal, why; because the charcoal would get all the chemicals out of my organs. I could not drink it so they put a tube in my nose down into my throat. A procedure she said would take two minutes took so much longer because the charcoal is thick.... I ended up NOT keeping that down and had to dink more...
When I was in the ER my friend Molly left work early and came to sit with me and my mom. My priest also came up to see me... I remember I cried as each of them walked in. I had convinced myself that no one care if I were gone and here were people coming in to see me and check on me.
I had to stay on the fourth floor before going to seven central. I was not allowed to have a phone, garbage bag, gloves, ect. so many things that you find in a normal room were taken out because I was a suicide risk. I also had a sitter 24 hrs the whole time I was on the floor. No one was allowed to come and see me and or call about me.
After poison control had cleared me I was on my way up to Seven Central also known as the psych floor...
A terrifying time for me....
One that you will learn more about soon...
Things I have learned:
*NEVER go off your medicine unless ordered by a doctor.
*When a person starts to isolate themselves from others that is a HUGE red flag
*When a person's personality changes BIG time that is another red flag
*Depression and Anxiety needs to be addressed more, it is an illness and people need to be informed!
TO MY DAUGHTER... FROM A MOTHER WHO TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE
I wrote this letter in group on September 30th during lunch...
I had my daughter read it that night...
I had my daughter read it that night...
I can hear you now already saying; "It's Okay" but let me say it is not and this is not "normal" even though as I go through life I am not even sure there is such a thing as "normal".
I want the best for you, as a parent you always want the best for your child. Yet the road block for us has always been mama's health. Since you were five you have lived in a house with three adults and mama being up and down with her health.
We were doing so good and I know mama has hurt you and it is NOT okay!
Our family (you and I) were on a solid ground and when mama was mean and then tried to kill myself our solid ground crumbled as if it was a earthquake.
Our family (you and I) were on a solid ground and when mama was mean and then tried to kill myself our solid ground crumbled as if it was a earthquake.
Our home has been destroyed and there is nothing left but a doorway.
That doorway is a symbol of our family and we will one day walk through it again but until then mama is working on getting better so that this never happens again. I am also focused on earning your trust once again.
I do THANK GOD that this has happened to me and to you! I pray that you have learned that suicide is not the answer and God is the one who decides when your time is up on this earth.
Your are made for so much and HE has so many plans for you!
Love Mama
*I drew the following to go with the letter...
Love Mama
*I drew the following to go with the letter...
We came back to the apartment last night and have so far had an okay time... Some memorizes have come back to me but I have to remind myself that those events happened in my past and I cannot change them.
I am working on today not then or tomorrow but this moment in time.
I am working on today not then or tomorrow but this moment in time.
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