It's Been a While...

Today my daughter and I went swimming, I know it was not the hottest day of the summer but I love going when no one is there.  I could tell you I do not like the fact that kids can bring their toys and their parents do not pay attention to them... but let's be honest.  I am insecure...
BUT that is not what this blog is about...Today as I was in the pool I had the biggest revelation ever!My daughter had gotten out of the pool because I was boring (let's just stop right there and think about that, I have been called many things in my life but never boring).Anyway it was just me.  It was a pretty cloudy day and if you know me you know I am a cloud gazer, I have always told Christina that I pray God let's me paint the sky just once.  As I was looking up at the sky I realized how calm I was... not just me but everything.  The wind was calm, there were no waves, no ripples, no screaming kinds, nothing at all, just.... calm... yet as I looked up I seen a huge dark cloud.  I stood there in the calm water staring up as this cloud started gathering other clouds into it's darkness, as if each cloud was just floating along and was all of a sudden sucked into this huge darkness.  All awhile the sun was shinning as this cloud was right on top of me.  I stared as it moved so fast, the smaller clouds had no chance they were sucked right in.  It grew so big that is began to cover the other beautiful fluffy clouds.  Then it began to surround the sun, even then the sun showed it's beautiful rays down to the earth to show that it was still there, that is until it was gone.I began to realize these clouds are a symbol of us wonderful humans.  We can be strolling along having a wonderful day and something or someone will try to suck us into the darkness.  How often do we fall right in too...What darkness am I speaking of?  It could be many things...Someone cuts us off... That is a big one for me ROAD RAGE!!GossipSpeaking ill of our Brothers and SistersFacebook is a great place to fall into that darkness if someone post something you do not likeThere are so many more BUT YOU are the one in control of YOUR actions, and the little clouds?  How often are our children the ones punished for our actions.  They are sucked into the drama and chaos just as the little clouds were.It is not easy, it is a hard thing to do especially if you have been doing it your whole life.  BUT who wants to live in the darkness?Did I mention the Sun came out shortly after, to remind us that even in the darkness there is always ALWAYS light.
I dedicate this Blog to my Brother and sister in law whom I have spoken ill of and pray that one day they will forgive me.  

x

THE EMPTY PIT...

My uncle is in the hospital and is very sick... I have been asked to pray for him.
So I Plead to you to please pray for my uncle... because I do not know if I can...

Words such as prayer, God, Jesus, Church all make me want to scream...
When someone begins to talk about these such subjects I hold the phone away from my ear..
Or I change the subject right away...
This is odd coming from the girl who once made her closet into a confessional as a child.
I have read the Bible, I started Divine Mercy groups... I know all about it but I just can't take hearing about it....
I have come to the conclusion that I am PISSED OFF!!!
My best friend is gone and there is nothing I can do about it... I know "she would not want me to feel this way" BUT she is not here to help me through it and I she is the only person who could hep me out of this...
I know this because she is the one who helped me out of it before.

I know what I need to do.. and I know what I need in my life but I do not know how to take the steps to get there....  I am just so ANGRY and that anger is changing me...
I am becoming a very angry person.. I complain about everything and everyone...

I will make it through but in the mean time please pray for my Uncle.
Much Love

DEAR TINA.... A LETTER TO MYSELF 10 MONTHS AGO...MY PLEAD NOT TO COMMIT SUICIDE...

Dear Tina,

I know you are hurting and you feel alone in this world, but the truth is very different from how you actually feel this very second.  
I can see you rolling your eyes and wanting to close your computer and continue taking pills until you cannot feel anything any more....  But I do know how you are feeling.. the darkness that you believe no one else in the world could ever comprehend.. the feeling of complete and utter loss that is so deep that it hurts to breathe...  Everyone is against you so why are you still hear?  That is what your mind is telling you in this very instant but I am hear to tell you this... In the next few months you will miss out on so much if you go through with killing yourself....
You will not hear your baby girl say "I love you" again...
You will miss out on her coming to you just to say "Thank you for everything"
You will never hear the word "Mama" again, or have her grab your finger as she did when she was a baby...
You will never know the people that you have impacted in your life because you will not be hear to see it.  Instead you will be a haunting memory to them and a question to your family as to what they could have done differently... 
You will miss your daughter's first dance... and first boyfriend... and her first heartbreak...
You will not be able to take any more trips. your daughters first time to Canada...
You will not be able to apologize for the mean things you said before you went...
You will not be able to smell the lilacs in the spring... or see the tulips burst with color...
You will never see another sunset... or take another one of your million pictures of the sky...
You will not be able to hear a baby cry and a puppy bark...
You will not be able to play with your daughters feet which will always be those cute piggies...
You will miss the first snow... making snow angels, the feeling of the snow and hot chocolate afterwards...
You will Miss Christmas... your favorite holiday... and family
Miss the sound of laughter and the feeling of laughing so hard your stomach hurts...
You will miss your daughter being confirmed in the Catholic Church...

I am not saying this year will be perfect...
You will get into arguments...  
You will be low on money often....
Some of your family will never speak to you again...
You will feel as if people are judging you for what you did....
You will have days that are dark and you will have days that are bright....

You will miss out on ALL of this because of the way you felt that day in September....
Well you may have lost it all... I just Thank God He was watching over me and I am hear to say that I have been Blessed to see and do all the above... the good, the bad, the great, the amazing.... This is my life <3

2015...

Writing for me has been therapeutic, a place where I could put into words my thoughts and memories to share with others and or to read in the future.  

I had a perfect routine, I would put on music to get in "the zone" as my daughter would always call it.  I would place my headphones on, choose a topic that was usually something that was going on in my life and just type...But something has changed... well a lot has changed...

One thing is the fact that I have not written in a long time. every time I have tried I just give up... The thoughts just do not come as easily as they have in the past.  Writing to me became an addiction, so I have been yearning for the touch of the keypad under my finger tips as I type faster than I would ever let anyone see me type...
I have often wondered if it is the medicine they have put me on, how can something that I love an enjoy become so hard to do now?

Depression is very difficult to live with, yet millions of people live with it everyday...
I will get back to the things I love and enjoy! 

2014 MY YEAR IN REVIEW...

2014 was a year that had more downs than ups....
It began in January with the death of my best friend and grandmother...
February brought my first first birthday without her being by my side or hearing her voice...
March was the first year I did not send her St. Patrick's Day flowers...
April was the first Easter without her.....
May was the first Mother's without her.....
***It is ironic how hard it is to go to a store and not buy a grandma card***
June was the first time I did not tell her Happy Birthday on earth..
July was the first summer without her
August was the first year she was missing from a family party
September I decided I wanted to go home and be with my grandma... there would be no more missing her because I would be by her side... Yet God had another plan...
October was the first year we did not stop by her house for trick or treat
November was the first time she did not sit in her spot at the head of the table...
December was the first Christmas without her...

So to wrap this year up...
It was a lot of first without the woman who was there for me more than anyone else...
The one whom I would call when I needed someone to talk to...
The one whom I loved to just be around...

2015 is a new year but there is still one more first... her one year anniversary of her death...
I do not want to rinse and repeat...
Yet how can I not repeat the year above without the missing piece 

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS...

Yes my friends we are at that time of year again when we look at our life and think hmmm...
What have I done that I want to get rid of? Want to do again?  Want to do for the first time? Want to get back to doing? Want to change? Want to start? Want to end? Want.... Need... Like.. Want... Need... Like... Sigh

Most of us will break that said new year's resolution before the week is up...
Sure the New Year is a great time for change... It is a brand New Year one we have never seen before... unless we have time traveled here and then it is just deja vu...
I mean come on... It is a brand New Year one we have never seen before... unless we have time traveled here and then it is just deja vu. (Sorry I had to)

I am sure Church's are full at the beginning of the year (except on Easter and Christmas)...
Diet food is sold more in the new year...
Exercise equipment is sold more in the new year...
More budgets are created in the new year..
More self-help books are sold in the new year...

Yes many people want to start a "new" a "Change" in the new year...

Why do we set ourselves up for failure?!? Why must it be something big?!?!

Setting a huge goal on weight loss is only going to make you want to eat when you do not meet your weight loss before Valentines day... and the candy is already out...
I am not saying do not loose weight.. I am saying do not put a name on it...

Setting a budget is great for those who can follow one.. but if you have to set one for new years you most likely are not going to follow it... Sorry to say... start simple open a Christmas account and next year at Christmas it will not be so hard...

Self-help books are great.... for the author.... I have a pile of them... you want one... for free!!

Here is what I suggest a simple daily routine (OH MY GOSH!!!! EVERYDAY!!!)
Laugh!!! No matter if you have had the day from hell there is someone out there that has had it 100 times worse then you...
Just Laugh...
OH MY GOODNESS STOP WHINING dogs all around the world are crying because you are whining so loud!!! But But But (you said Butt) What am I going to laugh at?!?!? Life is so hard?!??!? We live in America .... oh no you are right!!!
Have you ever laughed so hard that you fart????
I have!!!! Those farts do not stink as much as the farts that are silent...
Have you ever laughed so hard it hurt????
I have those are the best laughs!!!
You do not need to make fun of someone to laugh...
Break out in a moment of crazy dancing .... I don't know IN A STORE, or in the car, or just randomly around the house!! It is fun!
Shake off the Drama and live your life with laughter and love...

Well from my house to yours Happy New Year!!!

A MOTHER'S JOB...

Even before a child is born a mother protects their child as it grows in their womb...
As the infant grows within it's mothers womb it is protected from the harshness of this world we live in... she just floats around within a wonderland that is in complete harmony between mother and child...
Nothing can harm the child because it's mother's body is made to protect their child even before she is born...
Mentally that nine months is the scariest time... to think every decision you make for the rest of your life will impact your child in some way or another... Yet physically (not including morning sickness) it is the most beautiful-est time ever!
So as the child grows and learns each sound of it's mothers heart beat the mother tries to learn as much as possible to prepare for the day... the day that changes everything...
The birth of her child...
Once a child is born a mother also gives birth to a sixth sense...
It is as if she knows what is best for her child even though 24 hours earlier she was scared to even pick out a color for the nursery...
There are times in life that you know your child will get hurt, yet you let it happen because that is just how life is...
She takes her first step as she has the biggest smile on her face and suddenly she falls...
She wants to ride a bike so you let her... there is that big smile again and then the big fall..
She tries out for a ballet with the confidence that she is the best dancer in the world... only to get a small roll... one that she is so great at you are in awe of her...
You know boys will come into her life and hurt her and you are prepared to sit up with her and watch sappy movies and eat ice cream...
What you are not prepared for is the pain that her father will give her... and even though you want to tell your daughter that he is not worth it.. you see the smile on her face when she talks to him...
That same beautiful smile that she had on her beautiful face the day she took her first step, the day she rode her bike for the first time and the day she rehearsed for that big role...
So you keep silent and try not replay the last time this happen seven years ago when he broke her heart before...
Instead, I smile when she smiles.... and encourage her to talk about her dad...
She will meet her dad once again tomorrow with the expectations that he is wanting a relationship with her and not because he is married...
Her heart is so sweet, honest, loving and accepting...
She is so willing to give him another chance because she just wants to have a normal family...
So I will take her to meet her dad... Because when I became a mother, I became a protector of the most valuable treasure God has ever given me...
It is my job as a mother to encourage her to grow.... and be there to for the ups and downs of life...
Life is a roller coaster it is up to us if we are going to enjoy the ride or scream the whole time...
Hears to laughing until we throw up!!

WHEN THE ONE AGAINST YOU IS YOUR OWN BLOOD...

I have not written in a long time and it is due to many things going on in my life..
Things that have been very traumatic... and the truth has come out that the cause of all these issues has been my mom.

She thrives on attention and a part of me believes that she is causing all of this turmoil due to the fact that I lived instead of died... See if I would have died she would have received so much attention.

What started the whole suicide attempt was due to the fact that she was trying to get temp. custody of my daughter...  That pushed me off the edge...
Since I have left the hospital and have went to all of my appointments and have tried to work on getting better I have felt a force working against me...
Come to find out it has been my own mother.

This should not surprise me since she sided with my step-dad when I was younger more times then I can count...

I have never in my life seen someone create so much drama just for attention..

I pray that my daughter will learn that "things" do not mean "I love you"...
You do not speak ill of someone's mother while buying the child "things"...

I would rather be the poorest person in the world and have integrity than be the richest person in the world and have a life filled with so many lies and so much drama...

"YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE HAD 38 NORMAL CHRISTMAS'S"

"YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE HAD 38 NORMAL CHRISTMAS'S" is what my daughter blurted out this morning as we sat in the living room after decorating the tree.

It was 3:00 a.m. and neither one of us could sleep so I had made the suggestion that we decorate the Christmas tree and my daughter was more than eager to say "YES!"

The tree had been up since before Thanksgiving, yet I could not decorate it... I had decorated the house with garland and the entrance way to our complex but for some reason the tree... I just could not do...

As we got out the four different size boxes of. ornaments and each sat down to find a treasure in each box... I began to realize why I had not wanted to do this...
Many of the ornaments have meaning and some of them were of grandma...

So many ornaments that my daughter had made when she was younger... the different ones she has received for each Christmas it was as if we were going down memory lane...

I could tell she was tired at one point and I realized that my daughter had wanted to decorate the tree for a while yet she never said anything... She is very wise and instead of saying "Mama, lets decorate the tree" she knew that I was dealing with my grandma's death and did not want to interrupt my mourning...

At this moment I felt many emotions... One of awe in my daughter she has such a sweet heart and compassion... Yet I was upset at myself that I had put my daughter on the back burner to my mourning...  

My daughter was also in mourning and this was apparent with what happened next:

As we finished up we sat down and looked at our accomplishment and that is when my beautiful daughter said "YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE HAD 38 NORMAL CHRISTMAS'S"....
All her life she has been with me and we have always been a part of Christmas with my grandma... that included my Uncles and my Aunt... So all she knows is a happy loving caring family coming together for a celebration...  With laughter, food and cards.

She knew that Christmas was not going to be as "big" as it has been... not as many family members as it has had in the past...

How scary it must be for a child to have a big change occur.. not knowing what is going to happen all awhile knowing that it will be different...

This is new for both of us... Hold my hand my dear and we will walk this journey together.
We will make new memories always remembering and including the traditions grandma has given us...
Hold my hand and we will be okay...

THE EMPTY CHAIR...

I have seen many poems and posting regarding "The Empty Chair", yet I did not feel the heartache of the empty chair till I begin to think of the holidays...

For as long as I can remember the Holidays have been your favorite...
Decorating the house was so important... and it was so amazing to be in your home around the holidays as a child.  Being in your home when I was younger on a normal day I felt as if I was in a castle... you lived in a three bedroom two story yet it seemed so huge compared to our home...  Your home was always beautiful, well kept and so perfect..
It had a smell... I think everyone has their own smell... If I knew you would be leaving this earth and with you everything would be going with you I would have bottled up that smell so when I needed you I could open it up and smell your presence...

As I think about Thanksgiving I remember it being a production.. and I wonder how you did it.... You would always wore an apron, and would have ten things going on at once (it felt like a hundred) I have to say you were very creative with two kitchens and you used it to your advantage... in the basement you would have pies heating in the oven with the ham.. and all kinds of salads in the refrigerator including your broccoli salad, and your fruit salad.. well two of those because I did not like nuts in my food so you would make a second one just for me...Upstairs is where everybody was running around but not you... You had done this so many times before... on the oven was potatoes and the gravy... while in the oven was the turkey... when the turkey came out the rolls went in....
By the time we got there the table was usually set... so my job was to fill the glasses with ice and water... My uncle Tim and Tom were really helpful while the other boys were usually in the living room watching the lions... because that is what happens on Thanksgiving...
When it was time to eat we all took a seat, sometimes we had to sit in the kitchen because the house was full... I loved that...
You always sat at the front of the table... it was your seat.. Grace was said then everything was passed around...
The work that went into Thanksgiving was incredible yet it was over in a instant...

The family tried to convinced you to go in and have a seat in the living room where you had a chair, as they all took turns washing and drying dishes, putting away the leftovers...

This Thanksgiving I am not sure what we are doing...
The family has lost it's glue that has kept it together...
No matter where we are... if we are home or if we are at your home...
I know one thing will be for certain...
Your chair will be empty...
The woman who worked everyday to keep the peace and everyone together is now at peace with her husband and family... 





The Empty Chair...
The chair who once held an angel is now empty
The chair who once held every child is now sad
The chair who once rocked every grandchild stands silent
The chair who once seen every great-grandchild sees no more
The chair who once heard the laughter hears no more...

The chair sits in the corner waiting for you just as we do...
The chair wonders if heaven is filled with chairs just like it...

THE SNAIL...

I have been crawling up this hill of recovery...
Along this journey I have had to make my way over what should be easy hurdles...
Yet they have been pretty hard to do.. I feel as if I am a snail and I have finally made it far enough to look back and know I have made progress.. then BAM!!!!
Someone knocks me back down and stomps on me and my progress...

As I lay on the ground looking up at the progress and where I had been I feel as if I will never make it there again... I try to think why someone would have so much hate and anger for me to have knocked me down when I was trying so hard to make it back to the top...
The top for me was just being "normal"..

I think of the people I have hurt and wonder if they felt like this... for this I am sorry...
Are they the ones who knocked me down... I always heard karma was a bitch...

I sit alone at the bottom of the hill, and as I look around I realize I am even deeper in the pit than I was before...

I will start my journey back up the hill... but not right now... now I will sit in the tears that I have cried and wonder why... Why someone would think that this was good for me...

Right now this snail will crawl in her shell and hide here until I feel safe to come out and try to crawl up that hill again...

THE FIX IT BUTTON....

If I had a fix it button....
I would pay as much as possible in order to have this button that would allow me to go back and fix what I have done... Although what I have done has made me who I am...
I would pray that it did not have a limit or have a battery in fear that when I needed it most the battery would die and I would have to try and find one of those small screwdrivers to open it and then pray that I had a battery to replace it...
I would not care what color my fix it button was... it could be black, grey or white...
No matter what color it was you would only be able to see the many finger prints on it, and after a while the color would wear off due to so much usage...

In the beginning I would convince myself not to use it that often... I would tell myself to use only in case of emergency and would even pay extra to have it put in a glass case that I would have to break, like you see in some fire alarms...

There are times in my recent life that I know I could use this button:
*I would hit the fix it button and take me back into time and change the night of September 15th..  
*I would go back even further and make sure I was taking my medication...
*I would take back everything I said to all of my friends and family during that time: A person can apologize but once the words are said it is hard to forgive for some...
*I would hit it every time my daughter gave me that look, the look of "am I okay with you?"
*Every time she mentions my "illness"...
*Every time I get caught up in my little problems: that are in reality not that big at all compared to so many others....
*Every time my mom calls just to "See if we are okay": She does this out of love and I know she worries...
*Every time I have fell away from God: Even though when I look back I can see His presence with me through it all..

Maybe this is why there is no "Fix it Button" we have to stumble in our journey in order to grow, become stronger, build stronger relationships with God, friends and family...
The hardest part is knowing that I have hurt my daughter...
Now that is something I have to Fix and it will take time, and she is not patient...
Yet love is patient...

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Listening too:

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

[3x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Watch the video here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

IF I COULD TELL YOU ONE THING... A LETTER FROM A SUICIDE SURVIVOR TO THOSE EFFECTED BY SUICIDE..

I write this for anyone who has loosed a loved on and or friend from suicide, please do not blame yourself and think "If I was there.." If you were there you would have witnessed it.. the following is to show you that even if you were present the person would have done it anyway... I write this with love and from my experience... 

I have often wondered why I am still alive, what did the big man up there have in store for me?  In the past fifty days I have experienced six loses and three of them have been suicides..  In my heart I have felt their pain, I have seen the sadness on a mothers face as she sits in utter belief, I have seen the tears roll down a grown mans face as he tried to talk about his best friend, I have seen classmates walk with the blank stare in their face in disbelief,  The father who lost his best-friend ...  
God has allowed me to see both sided of suicide and I am now able to share with you what is actually happening in the mind of a person who is about to take away God's greatest gift... Life..

So what is happening in the mind of one who is about to kill themselves?
A pain and darkness that makes them feel so alone they have no other way out...
NO they have no other way out!  You could be sitting right next to them and show them all the beautiful days of their life and all they would see is the darkness... .

The darkness that your mind spirals into is a darkness that one could only describe as a pit one bar above hell... The only difference between the darkness you are in and hell is there is no fire.  You hear all of your past mistakes and sometimes even relive them in you mind step by step... You hear all of the nasty and negative words people have ever called you and things you have called yourself..  You believe these things because if you were smart you would have never made the mistakes that you had just relived..
A person in this state will start to become very mean;
Physically, verbally, and emotionally...
I broke so many things, it was as if a volcano was erupting and I did not know what else to do... Before I overdosed I knew I was leaving this earth and I deleted almost everyone off of my facebook.. I had over 400 friends and took it down to 67.. I went off on family members with mean hateful words that can only heal over time.. The things I said to my mom and daughter were things I wish I could forget, even though that would not heal the wound...

It was as if my mind was preparing the world to hate me so they would not mourn me..
They would be too busy being pissed off at me.

As I sat in my mom's guest room and finished taking the 250 pills I did pray to my grandma..
I asked her to help me, that I did not want to live here anymore and I just wanted to go home (heaven)... 

The point is that not once did I think about my 14 year old daughter who did not have a father in her life.. I only thought about getting out of this world.
When a person is in that deep in the darkness there is no talking them out of it... there is no reasoning, they are not thinking clearly...
They did not mean to hurt you and all the mean and hateful things they may have done before was not intentional either.
It is upsetting to hear "that is a cowards way" or "they did it for attention"
No this is an illness, one that the world needs to pay a lot more attention to...

BUT WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS:
They did love you and they did not mean to hurt you.
I pray my words helped you understand that you are not at fault, you actually gave them some of the best years of their life... it was the illness that took over at the end.
My prayers and will you all.

THE LAKE HOUSE... Part I

I have seen it in movies... you know that beautiful home on the water where kids had the times of their lives...
For me it was my life...
When I was younger my grandma received a house right on Lake Huron in the thumb...
Now as a child I heard many times "lets go up to the cabin for the weekend" yet this was no cabin...
From the road the house looked small but from the water you were able to see the house in all it's glory...
There was a white picket fence that went around the house and in order to get to the door you had to go down a steep hill which was replaced with granite steps by my grandmother..
The door was on the side of the house and entered right into a huge living room, all of the walls through out the home were wood, the kind that you would find in a cabin...
To your right was three bedrooms... the first was a small bedroom that my grandmother always slept in, then a small room my aunt would stay in and then the "Blue room" we called it that because it was decorated with a blue comforter and blue curtains and then at the end of the hallway was a small bathroom ...
To the left of the entrance was the stone fire place that took up almost the whole wall then a beautiful window that looked out unto the water... then a door that went onto a deck that would be replaced after a tornado with a beautiful room.. the room was all windows with a high ceiling this would be known as the "backroom" this was attached to the kitchen with beautiful french doors and there was also an entrance to the kitchen from the living room.
There was a second floor, and I remember the stairs leading up to the second floor being so small, steep and dark... yet it was the funnest place to be when we were kids..with two bedrooms, the first room was smaller but had two queen size beds in it and the other room was much bigger and at one point held five beds. There was also a bathroom up stairs but no shower due to the slanted ceiling...no one would be able to stand up in the bathtub...  There was also a full basement that had a shower in it, I believe that the person who built it put it there so when you got out of the water you were to enter into the basement and clean off the sand before entering the house.. we used the shower a lot but because it was so scary in the basement someone was usually down there with you...
When I was much younger before the "backroom" was added my mom, dad, brother, two cousins and uncle were up there with me... It was a two hour drive from our home to the house on the lake... This day was a hot day and when we arrived we all changed as fast as we could to take a dip in the water to cool off... The lake house did not have air... the water was our cool breeze...
We were all in the water when someone noticed lightning in the far distance so we all got out and changed.. My uncle put chicken on the stove to fry and it feels like it was within minutes the storm was upon us...
I do not even remember walking down the stairs I just remember being upstairs and then in an instant being in the basement...

My dad was upstairs trying to shut the door and could not.. he was screaming for my uncle but we could not hear him... all we could hear was this horrible noise..
It was a tornado, it had taken the roof off of the house down the road, uprooted a tree, and ripped off the screen porch.. the porch also had an older refrigerator on it... one that was very heavy and it was picked up and thrown as if it was a pair of dice in Vegas...
My grandma did have insurance and that is how she was able to rebuild the beautiful "backroom".  I cannot tell you how many hours we spent in that room, grandma had a beautiful dining room table and we ate all of our meals there and played so many hands of euchre... and other card games...
Some times we would just sit and watch the water or listen to oldies 96 the only radio station that was strong enough to work here and there...
So many summers and so many memories...
I know how Blessed I was to be able to go to a lake house... and to just get away with my grandma.

A SAINT WAS BORN....

Today is November 1st... On November 1st 1901 a Saint was born on this All Saints day...
Her name was Katherine... Her family would call her Kate...
I am proud to say she was my great-grandma...
My memories of her are that of a grandma... and more..
Whenever we went to visit her in her home she always had the TV on, it would be on one of two channels... It was on either her "stories" (her soap opera's) or EWTN.  Yes we are a Catholic Family, yet I have to admit my version of a Catholic family and her's is so different..
That is something I need to work on.
There are so many things I remember about my Great-Grandma T, she would sit in her rocker (lazy-boy) and rock back and forth.. I remember this because her feet would be crossed at her ankles and the leather on her shoes would rub together and squeak..  Her lips would always be moving, even when she was not talking to you... because she was praying.. Yes she always wore an apron with the Rosary tucked inside it..  I often wonder how many times she said the Rosary in a day... she always had candy to offer us (you know the old fashion hard candy).. So many memories I have of her..
I find that I am losing my memory as I get older, I am only 38 seems a little too young to be losing my memory; could be all the medicine I am on... So times like these when I remember such great times I must write it down.. This way my daughter can tell her children all about her great-great-grandma whom she is named after...

In her lifetime she suffered great loss.. As I sit her writing this I wonder if that is why she had such a devotion to the Blessed Mother.  When you think about it the Blessed Mother watched her son die and kept living for others... and grandma did the same...
She lost all of her son's at the time of her death the only ones living were her girls....
Grandma passed her love of her faith down to all of her children and the girl's all had such a great love for their faith.. My grandmother would get on her knees every night on that hard wood floor to pray for each one of us.. and there are a lot of us... I know she is still praying for us...I can see her on her knees before the Blessed Mother and God Himself.. I know I felt her prayers when I was in the hospital..

I was looking for a picture today to put on my fb page that showed my great-grandma and my grandma together, since this is the first year in many years they are together for her birthday...
Oh how the Angels must be celebrating... even though there is such sadness her on earth..
I believe that today is a extra special day on earth.. a day when we can ask the Saints the impossible and they will help assist.  They know my prayer, although a silent one...
Maybe one day I will write about it but today it is too fresh and I know you will understand..

So my words for you today is this:
Although you may be having a horrible day look up
Even in the darkest day there is light.. That is the Lord guiding you
When you are having a good day, do not take it for granted...
Praise His who has given us so much...
May we live a life that is not always of want..
But one of praise and prayer..

Look to the sky there is always light even in the darkest storm.

45 DAYS LATER... AND HE SAYS "I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU ARE ALIVE"

It has been a long 45 days... yet as I look back I see that I have grown in a good way... and I also see that I have had five losses in my life... three of them suicides..  each time it has hit me so hard, I know it is not about me but I see through other people's losses how much loss and grief my family would have endured...

Today I went to my cardiologist for the first time.. He entered the room with his assistant and a student, as he looked at the paperwork that awaited him he said "So you were in the hospital... was it for heart failure?"  I replied "No, I tried to kill myself"  He fell into the chair that was behind him as assistant grabbed her head, he told the student to have a seat... As I was telling him I took 250 pills he said "You took 100 digetec!!! Your digoxin level was over the highest 5.0 I have seen and I have seen patients with a lower level just drop dead and they had a pacemaker just like you"  I said "I was told my pacemaker saved me" He looked at me and said "I have no idea how you are still alive"

You then went on to tell me that because there was a suicide attempt that I would not be eligible for a heart transplant until I was cleared... I asked him how long that could take and he said months... 

He then had them check my heart again to make sure I was not in heart failure...

I then had an appointment with my therapist for the first time..
I like her.. well for what I could tell in 45 minutes..
I told her I feel as if death is all around me... she did not have a comment.. just a stare..

I have gone on with my day as if it was a normal day yet I have to think how many "normal" days have a doctor saying to you; "I have no idea how you are still alive"

FEELING NUMB...

Since my attempt of suicide on the night of September 15th my friends and family have lost three people to suicide... the first was exactly one month to the date and it hit my mom more that it hit myself... I can still remember her telling me and her voice cracking.  I had no idea why she was as upset as she was.. until she told me it had been exactly one month..

The second was a young boy, 14 years old from my daughters school..  for some reason in the back of my mind I knew there would be another one... Once there is a suicide in a school there always seems to be a ripple effect..

Then I received the call... a call that I still cannot believe..
Three people in 44 days... forty-four days!!  This is just people that I know... there are people out there that I do not know... people who are hurting and see no other way out.

I have to say being on this end of it...
I feel shock, I feel disbelief, I feel bad for the wrong that I did in the past, I feel as if sitting here typing is doing no one good accept me.. It is my one coping skill that has helped me through so much... But I feel empty and numb...

Knowing what I know... I know that a person is so far gone and only God and this person knows their heart and mind at this time... So do not judge someone who has committed suicide... What the world needs if more people building others up not breaking them down.

YET ANOTHER CHANCE AT LIFE...

As I look back at my life it is incredible how many times I should have, could have, would have died.... yet He had other plans...

When I was younger around first grade I was in a car accident... a drunk driver hit the truck I was in and it flipped five times stopping upside down.  I crawled out the back window with my eyes closed.  Even though my eyes were closed I could see a light.. I followed the light as I grew closer and closer the light became brighter and brighter.  I felt someone grab me and immediately after hearing a loud crash... The tailgate of the truck came crashing down if it were not for the person who grabbed me the tailgate would have came crashing down upon me... No one on the scene including police, ambulance, fire and many witnesses seen anyone grab me.. I know in my heart that I was grabbed by my angel..

In 1999 I found out I was pregnant... I would be in the hospital seven times before giving birth in 2000 with complications... My daughter would be born healthy as can be..
In 2005 I left work because I could not keep anything down including water, I would be diagnosed with ViralCardiomyothopy which is a virus that attacked my heart, they checked everything and it all looked great accept the heart muscle itself.  I had a EF level of 13 (the normal is 65-70) I was given a pacemaker/defibrillator.  I was told that I would need a heart transplant in five years (2010) and it would only last five years (2015) and that I would be dead in ten years (2015). As of this time I am "too healthy" to be put on the transplant list.

In 2007 I needed my gallbladder out, the anesthesiologist came in minutes before the surgery and said; "You cannot have this surgery your heart is too weak you will die on the table!" My mom and grandmother were present I remember looking up and each of them,  their faces were one of terror, one told me "We are Irish and we fight" and the other said "God is in control" as they stood there in terror I felt a peace that I cannot explain...

2014 I decided to take my own life by taking 250 pills, I was told by the hospital that if it were not for my pacemaker I would have been dead...  The amount of heart pills I took my blood pressure should have been 0/0.

I believe everyone of us are on this earth for a reason, some of us know what that reason is, some of us want to know what that reason is so bad it hurts.. and some of us do not even believe that we could even be worthy enough to have a reason to live....

WHAT I WOULD HAVE MISSED...

As my daughter prepared for her choir concert last... the first for the season I became very stressed and agitated... I did everything I had learned in group therapy... I tried all of my coping skills... taking in deep breaths, getting fresh air, writing, drawing the list goes on and on... yet I could not shake this feeling of uneasiness...
So what did I do?!  I went to bed... yes one of the no no's... I did not know what else to do.. so I took a short nap only an hour..

The anxiety grew and grew as I drove and we grew closer and closer to the Church where so was performing... when we entered she went one way and I went into the Church...
I took my journal and was writing for a while when all of a sudden I just stopped and looked around.. it was a beautiful Church.. With high ceilings and beautiful windows all through out... the windows were even as high as the peak of the Church... there was a beautiful cross that stood above the altar and above that was a stain glass window that I just started at in awe...

I sat there through the concert and heard so many amazing groups waiting for my daughter to take the stage... she was one of the last groups to sing...
As she took the stage all of the anxiety and stress just flowed off of me as if it was being melted of me as wax glides off of a candle that is lit.
I could not take my eyes off of her... she sang three songs with her group and then returned to the stage at the end of the concert to sing a beautiful song... "May the Road Rise Up to Meet You..." as she sang she turned and sang to me... she was looking right into my eyes...

I realized today that a part of my stress was the fact that I could have missed this... my daughters first performance.  All because of a decision that was mine and not "His"..
I have heard Father talk for the last three weeks in his homilies about our taking me out of the equation and making it His...
There are so many things I could have missed that have happened in the past month..
She has a boyfriend (her second), her stories about school, her ups and her downs, her laughter, her tears, her smile...

Yes there are days that I struggle but just as a cross country runner has to jump the hurdles I too must make my way over the hurdles that are my struggles in daily life...
The struggles are apart of life and each time I feel too weak to make my way over a hurdle I remind myself that it is not about "me"...
I was not put on this earth as a loner... I was made by my creator and He has never left me....
Even in the darkest hour He was my light... even when I believed that I was so alone there was no way out.. He was there holding my hand...
I am reminded of the song "Oh no You never let go..."
Because although Our God is a gentlemen and does not force Himself into anyone's life He will not let go once you let Him in... and that is amazing...
Think of how many people in your life that has walked out when it has gotten "too uncomfortable" or "Too hard"  It is pretty amazing to have a man as strong and powerful on my side as He is!!

I am so Thankful that He gave me yet another chance to live...

THREE WEEKS.... AND THE NEVER ENDING BANQUET TABLE

I was running late something that I hardly ever do and something that I do not like to do...
So a little added stress... As we entered the parking lot we ended up having to park on the lawn due to no parking spaces...
I looked at the clock and it was 4:57 we had three minutes before Mass began...
We entered to  hear the amazing Worship music that greats up every Sunday and the Deacon's smiling face...
I was stressed because I always sit in the same spot,,, I know we do not have assigned seats yet I feel at home in my own seat...
As I made my way around the corner with my daughter following me I seen our spot wide open as if God had said "Here you go daughter, Breathe, sit down and listen"
You know that sound "How He loves us" I felt as if I could sing "Oh How He Knows Me"
which is so very true...
The opening song caught me... as if it was being sung just for me...
Then I felt a presence and looked over it was our priest.. He shook my hand and said; "Three weeks" with a huge smile on his face... that smile that our priest is known for... it is a contagious smile...
I had so many emotions and questions in my mind... Wow it has been three weeks.. I cannot believe he knew that before I did.. what an amazing man of God.... I have made it through a storm and have came out tired, but found myself covered in the blood of Jesus....

At Mass I seen something amazing...
No I am not hallucinating... As father held up the Eucharist I closed my eyes as I always do and there it was...
A long table... a never ending table and as I looked closer and closer to the head of the table I seen my grandma and her mother with Christ...
What an amazing sign from God in His home that my great grandma and grandma are together in Heaven with Christ..
This made me so happy that tears ran down my face...