Home will always be home because my mom is there but everything is different. There is a bed there for anyone who visits which is nice...
Friday night my daughter and I slept in the bed but once I got out of bed she took over the whole thing, I am sure she was praying I would not come back in. I spent the night in one of the chairs in the living room. I could not sleep and stayed up all night just thinking about everything and anything.
Saturday night I hit a wall... one that I could feel myself heading towards for a while now.
I am not good with change, not at all.. and my life has been nothing but change for the last year.
I just had to get out of there...
As I got my shoes on my mom told me I better not leave but I had to get out of there...
I drove up the street and into a parking lot crying like a baby.... hysterically begging my grandma to just let me come home, I told her that I can not do this anymore and I begged her to ask God to just let me come home. Then I just begged Him, Please!!!!!
I went back still alive and very pissed off at the fact that I was.
I went into the room and out all the pills I had on the bed...
I started to take some a little at a time, and then I realized that I could not kill myself that way...
This stupid pacemaker/defibrillator would keep shocking my heart and I would have to live through them pumping my stomach and that sure was not worth it.
I just had to get out of there...
As I got my shoes on my mom told me I better not leave but I had to get out of there...
I drove up the street and into a parking lot crying like a baby.... hysterically begging my grandma to just let me come home, I told her that I can not do this anymore and I begged her to ask God to just let me come home. Then I just begged Him, Please!!!!!
I went back still alive and very pissed off at the fact that I was.
I went into the room and out all the pills I had on the bed...
I started to take some a little at a time, and then I realized that I could not kill myself that way...
This stupid pacemaker/defibrillator would keep shocking my heart and I would have to live through them pumping my stomach and that sure was not worth it.
Christina seen me take some pills and screamed for my mom... at that point I was not doing anything. I wish she would not have seen me, now she has another memory of me were I am falling again.
I know you are all thinking what about your daughter... She has said on numerous occasions that she wished I was not sick and what is going to happen to me in four years when she goes away to college. She should not have to worry about that she is fourteen.
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