In the past 24 hours I have read so many post regarding Robin Williams...
post about how amazing he was...
How he will be missed...
how much of a shock it was that he killed himself...
and then the post that say that he had a choice... that he was coward for not facing life...
His story as brought me back to the heart of my own story, of when I went from being alright to being on the verge of letting go.
A lot can happen to a person in their own mind within minutes even within seconds..
When I was told in 2005 that I would need a heart transplant in 5 years and that my new heart would only last five years and then being told that I would be dead in ten years I was lost to say the least.
Not only had I went from taking only Advil for cramps to taking up to 19 pills a day... I was now being told my life would be over in ten years. At that point in my mind, all I could think about was... What's the point? Yes I know I have a daughter but in my mind she had my mom and my mom had her so they would be okay...
So that is when I began my downward spiral, my plan was to not leave my room and to just wait for it all to be over... See I could not over dose on pills because they had put defibrillator inside of me and I knew that it would keep shocking my heart.... keeping me alive. Yes I put so much thought into this...
I did eventually come out of my room because my mom could not reach me she called the person she knew would.. As I was in my own mind a knock on the door and it was my grandma. She never turned on the light she just sat on my bed and talked to me. After talking to her I knew that I could not do anything to hurt her.
Yet there would still be bad days, I don't even need to close my eyes to see the expressway and the bridge I was going to drive my truck into, I was all alone again in my mind I would not be hurting anyone but myself and the pain I was feeling was not worth it...
Yet every time I would think of her... I just knew that I could not let her bury her granddaughter
My mom wanted me to get on some meds to help with my depression but I did not want anything controlling the way I act or feel.
I was informed that there was a chemical imbalance in the brain and that was why I needed something for depression....
It has been nine years and I am still here... I cannot tell you the amount of times I have came close but I could not hurt my grandma...
I was asked the other day: "Now that your grandma is gone who are you living your life for?"
That is a hard question...
I know as a mother it should not be a hard question, but it is...
I see my daughter and my mother watch me go through my bad days and I wonder if it is really truly worth it.
My mother says that suicide is selfish... I do not think that she realizes the darkness that can consume a person. Even though my mom has been through so much in her life...
The darkness that can consume you is scary and when I fee it coming on I often ask for help or prayer... yet for those who are embarrassed by this darkness it can be scary to ask for help...
That is why I have written this...
If you are reading this and have had any of these thoughts or feelings and need someone who can relate to listen, talk to, or just be present I am here.
You are not alone.
Stay strong and know that even in the darkest of the dark God is still there.
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