LAST SATURDAY NIGHT...

Friday night we ended up packing up and heading to my mom's because of our apartment having a ton of wasp...
Home will always be home because my mom is there but everything is different.  There is a bed there for anyone who visits which is nice...
Friday night my daughter and I slept in the bed but once I got out of bed she took over the whole thing, I am sure she was praying I would not come back in.  I spent the night in one of the chairs in the living room.  I could not sleep and stayed up all night just thinking about everything and anything.
Saturday night I hit a wall... one that I could feel myself heading towards for a while now.

I am not good with change, not at all.. and my life has been nothing but change for the last year.
I just had to get out of there...
As I got my shoes on my mom told me I better not leave but I had to get out of there...
I drove up the street and into a parking lot crying like a baby.... hysterically begging my grandma to just let me come home, I told her that I can not do this anymore and I begged her to ask God to just let me come home.  Then I just begged Him, Please!!!!!
I went back still alive and very pissed off at the fact that I was.
I went into the room and out all the pills I had on the bed...
I started to take some a little at a time, and then I realized that I could not kill myself that way...
This stupid pacemaker/defibrillator would keep shocking my heart and I would have to live through them pumping my stomach and that sure was not worth it.

Christina seen me take some pills and screamed for my mom... at that point I was not doing anything.  I wish she would not have seen me, now she has another memory of me were I am falling again.

I know you are all thinking what about your daughter... She has said on numerous occasions that she wished I was not sick and what is going to happen to me in four years when she goes away to college.  She should not have to worry about that she is fourteen.

MY DAD... HIS STORY COPD

As I write this my dad is having a procedure done; they are taking a camera down into his lung to see what the "mass" is.  One doctor says "Oh it is nothing" and another says "it looks like cancer".

Two things have assisted in my dads lung problems and I am sure if he seen you with a cigarette he would want to ask for one.  He had only been smoking since he was 12, by the age of 50 his lungs had collapsed on him three times.  They told him if they did it again there was nothing they could do, yet he still lit up.  
At the same time my dad was a volunteer firefighter for the city we live in, now please do not think that I am at all blaming the fire department at all.  My dad loves being a fire fighter and would not give it up for the world.  One night he inhaled a lot of smoke at a fire and was sent to the hospital.  My mom was the dispatcher for the same fire department and remember that ride to the hospital as if it was yesterday... Thank God it was the middle of the night because she did not stop for any light.
When my daughter was born in 2000 my dad was so wonderful, every time he had to smoke he would go outside into the garage.  He even had a space heater for the winter to keep warm.  He did not want to endanger her with second hand smoke.  Even though it was his home and we were living there with them he did it anyways.  He would do anything for her, but would he give up smoking?

The answer yes, after I believe he was scared to death literally.
With half of his lung completely dead and emphysema, COPD taking over he left the hospital and never lit up again.
Since then he has taken my daughter to every daddy daughter dance, danced with her on stage at dance recitals.  He has been a hero to her.

My dad could be such an ass, him and I would fight over nothing.  Yet with her he is a complete polar opposite.
Fight the good fight dad...
You have so much more life in you!

DEAR GABBY...

The following was found on a page that I have "liked" on fb:

Hello my dear brothers and sisters in Christ. I am asking for prayers for a dear friend of mine. He is batting with a severe case of depression and even wants to end his life. Thanks and blessings to all. [Gabby Ebertowska]
My reply:
Dear Gabby,
My prayers go out for your friend, it is hard to give advice... yet I will try.  I myself have been there just recently.  You probably have noticed that he has become more and more distant.  you become so consumed within your own thoughts and within your own mind that nothing else seems to matter.  I had one friend who just would not leave me alone, even though I would not read her text, fb messages, emails she did not care they just kept coming. 
The thought of God is one that even for the most faithful is sickening because you have convinced yourself that you are not good enough for Gods great love.
I tell you this so that you can see it from his side, from the mind of a person who is ready to just let it go.
Gabby, be that friend, be strong and do not let go
Here if you need to talk

I share this because many believe that the thought of letting go of God's most precious gift "life" is something that is inconceivable, unimaginable... and that is because they have never been in that place of darkness where you have let yourself dive so deep within yourself that you actually loose yourself.
Imagine a maze, you start it and see the end yet as you stare at it after four hours (it is a big maze) the lines become blurry.  You no longer see lines you are in the maze and there is no way out, you find yourself running trying to catch your breathe as you turn the corner only to find another wall blocking you... each wall has a message, or a memory.  Ones that you have buried deep within your soul praying to never find again.  The voices of people in your past saying hateful things, your voice telling you "if you would have done this instead of that".

Yet earlier tonight as I sat here and watched countless video's of Robin Williams, and crying my ass off I found something in common with Robin and we said something that opened my eyes.
In an interview with Barbara Walters Robin said: "You and I have both been given second chances at life and not many get that"
He is right!

ANTHONY AND ALS....

It has lit up our facebook stats and youtube is flooded with many uploads from the now famous ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.

What fun to watch your favorite celebrities join forces and even people in our community including cheerleaders, football players, priest, youth groups and so many more get soaked with ice cold water.
That was until I found Anthony...
Anthony had an opening that caught the viewer by surprise in his bright bikini with "Kiss my ALS" written upon his bum...  running around playing in the water as a little kid would. 
Yet as the video played on Anthony opened up with tears in his eyes, his grandma had ALS, his mother has it, and now he has it.  Anthony opened his heart up and his home for us to see what it is like to live with ALS as he took care of his mother.
I fell in love with Anthony right away, who wouldn't...
Many... Why?  
Many calling him gay, the way that people can sit behind a computer and use words to hurt another person saddens me!
Here is the video please watch the whole thing:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h07OT8p8Oik&app=desktop

If you knew that you were going to someday soon loose your ability to walk, talk, lift your arms, move your feet, do anything on your own wouldn't you live everyday to it's fullest?
Anthony is doing just that!  I see courage, strength and angel in this amazing young man.

Now I dare you to watch this video made 5 months ago:
http://vimeo.com/88504479

Anthony has a girl friend, he is not gay and if he was it would not matter.  It just goes to show you how quickly people are to judge even one who has an illness with no cure.
So Anthony for you I will be taking the ice bucket challenge within 24 hours and donating money to http://www.als.net/
PS Even though some people n business chairs working for pharmaceutical companies do not think your life is worth it.... Know that I do!
Stay Strong and now you are not alone we are all behind you!

ROBIN WILLIAMS...

It has been over a week since the death of actor, comedian Robin Williams, yet I am still heartbroken.  I am almost on the edge of obsession when it comes to his story.
I guess it just feels a lot like my own...
A person who is so good at telling stories, making people laugh; yet deep down inside it drowning within their own thoughts.
Most people have a built in on and off switch for their emotions, but some of us do not have that.
Some of us suffer through out the day and night with the thoughts and memories of what has been and what could have been.
The thoughts are so consuming that the night seems to be the worst by far...


Since my grandma's death in January I have been slowly shutting down and when I seen that he had died it was as if the world had ended.  As if we were connected in some strange way???

What is wrong with me?!?!

FAKE CHURCH'S...

Fake Church's filled with fake people...
They care about getting new people, yet forget about the old..
As they have their meetings about getting new people in the church they ignore the ones who have fallen through the cracks.  The meetings are filled with the popular, making church feel like high school.

Raise money for a dinner to get new people to come.... when there are so many people in need.

Prayer request ask for those in their group, yet when another ask for prayer no word is written.

Fake people... makes up a negative place to go to...
Wow I wonder where all of the people have gone?

NOT SOMETHING I WANT TO BE REMINDED OF...

As I catch up on last night television shows I find myself freaking out!
This year I found myself liking a show called "Chasing Life"... it is about a young woman who finds out she has leukemia and her journey trying to liver her life to the fullest.  This episode was her first dose of chemo and they had to put a catheter in her chest for the chemo...

It is on the opposite side of my defibrillator/pacemaker...
Just the sight of it set me into a panic mode... I caught myself breathing heavy and at the same time thinking I could not breath.  I have never been good with this device... you would think after nine years I would be used to it.  I guess I get bye by not thinking about it.
 I remember a couple years ago I was in the hospital and my heart doctor came in with a intern.  He stated touching my scar and feeling around for the device and then he told the intern to come over and feel it... and I yelled NO!  He was so upset with me.. asking me how would people learn if they could not follow him around.  All I could think was I am not a Ginny pig!

I have a horrible fear of having this thing inside of me... even though it is saving my life.
The book of things that I cannot go around is insane!  Do not do this and Do NOT do that...

There are times when I role over in bed and it sticks out of my skin.. that is freaky ugh!!!

Yet as my grandma always said; "There is always someone on this earth that has it much worse than you do" and I know that my little discomfort "issue" is nothing compared to many.
So I will end my rant about my anxiety and think one good thing about it...
At least it will help me with my fear of heights NO FLYING ....LOL (just kidding or am I)

DID YOU JUST SAY SUICIDE AND YOUR CATHOLIC?!?!?

As a Catholic the word "Suicide" is one that you heard when a nun or priest would speak of hell when I was in school growing up...
If you killed yourself you would die and go to hell and that was it... there was no purgatory, no middle, no mercy, no compassion....
Since my blog last night many have written about their opinion on what happens to a person's soul when one commits suicide.  This is my opinion and belief:

There is one God, the same God that created the earth and all that is upon it.
The same one whom sent His only son our Lord Jesus Christ...
The same Lord who is full of Love and so Merciful...
With that said God is the only one that knows a person's mind completely, so He is the only one that will judge that person just as He will judge us all one day.  I believe that Our God is so Merciful and so full of Love that He would never condemn a son or daughter of His that did not know what they were doing.
I know a lot of you are saying; "How can someone not know they are killing themselves?"
The answer is not simple, depression is a disease and so many demons are on the attack during this time in a person's life.  You have no idea what they are going through, only God and the person knows what that person is feeling.  

So where is God?  In us!
This is why I shared my story last night and I urge you to check on your friends...
Not via text or email... one can hide very easy behind a computer.
Calling them is one step closer yet what is hidden behind that reply of "I am okay", believe me I have gotten very good at disguising how well I am.
Go to their house!  Send them a card!  Personal attention is what needs to happen.
Try to get them out of their environment that they are so comfortable in.... the same shell that they are hiding in.
We need to remember that a healthy person can see another person's self-worth, even great future.  Yet one who is not healthy can not see anything past this second, this breathe, this thought... There is no... But what about...  There is only I cannot do this anymore__________.

LOVE... it is not about marriage... it is showing compassion to each other...

I must say that this Blog is not in anyway an Okay to commit suicide, there is help and I pray that if you need it you seek it and for those who know those who suffer from any kind of depression keep an eye open at all times.

I love each and everyone of you and am here for you whenever you need me.

BEING ON THE EDGE... My story with depression and suicide

In the past 24 hours I have read so many post regarding Robin Williams... 
post about how amazing he was...
How he will be missed...
how much of a shock it was that he killed himself...
and then the post that say that he had a choice... that he was coward for not facing life...

His story as brought me back to the heart of my own story, of when I went from being alright to being on the verge of letting go.
A lot can happen to a person in their own mind within minutes even within seconds..
When I was told in 2005 that I would need a heart transplant in 5 years and that my new heart would only last five years and then being told that I would be dead in ten years I was lost to say the least.
Not only had I went from taking only Advil for cramps to taking up to 19 pills a day... I was now being told my life would be over in ten years.  At that point in my mind, all I could think about was... What's the point?  Yes I know I have a daughter but in my mind she had my mom and my mom had her so they would be okay... 
So that is when I began my downward spiral, my plan was to not leave my room and to just wait for it all to be over... See I could not over dose on pills because they had put defibrillator inside of me and I knew that it would keep shocking my heart.... keeping me alive.  Yes I put so much thought into this...
I did eventually come out of my room because my mom could not reach me she called the person she knew would.. As I was in my own mind a knock on the door and it was my grandma. She never turned on the light she just sat on my bed and talked to me.  After talking to her I knew that I could not do anything to hurt her.

Yet there would still be bad days, I don't even need to close my eyes to see the expressway and the bridge I was going to drive my truck into, I was all alone again in my mind I would not be hurting anyone but myself and the pain I was feeling was not worth it...

Yet every time I would think of her... I just knew that I could not let her bury her granddaughter 

My mom wanted me to get on some meds to help with my depression but I did not want anything controlling the way I act or feel.
I was informed that there was a chemical imbalance in the brain and that was why I needed something for depression....

It has been nine years and I am still here... I cannot tell you the amount of times I have came close but I could not hurt my grandma... 
I was asked the other day: "Now that your grandma is gone who are you living your life for?"
That is a hard question...
I know as a mother it should not be a hard question, but it is...
I see my daughter and my mother watch me go through my bad days and I wonder if it is really truly worth it.

My mother says that suicide is selfish... I do not think that she realizes the darkness that can consume a person.  Even though my mom has been through so much in her life...
The darkness that can consume you is scary and when I fee it coming on I often ask for help or prayer... yet for those who are embarrassed by this darkness it can be scary to ask for help...

That is why I have written this...
If you are reading this and have had any of these thoughts or feelings and need someone who can relate to listen, talk to, or just be present I am here.
You are not alone.
Stay strong and know that even in the darkest of the dark God is still there.

ALL AROUND ME...

I have had this feeling of being surrounded by, even possibly suffocated by death...
It seems to be all around me, at times I have to wonder if the end of the world is coming...
Maybe that is why everyone is disappearing... God is bringing everyone home...

Yet this idea was popped as if it were a bubble over my head in a cartoon after I mentioned this to my mom and she replied with the following:
She said that she believed that it is because we are still mourning and death is just still so fresh to us, so we just seem to find more heartbreak in it because we can relate.

Today after I did my laundry, and made my bed I laid down upon the fresh sheets and my mind began to wander...
In a few days will be the 14th marking seven months since she left us...
As I laid there I could not imagine it getting any better... I mean think about it, the days will continue to add up and she will not return...
So why am I counting, why am I keeping track as if I am counting down for a return as if she is on vacation.

We count good things; Weddings, birthdays, anniversaries of many kinds... so why would we count days a person has been away from us?
If you think about it, it is a celebration... She is with the Father and even though I want her here on earth and I am being stubborn and selfish....  I have to remind myself that she is in such a better place than when she was here.

I keep having dreams about her and each one seems to have a message...
The other night I had a dream that she pulled through and came home after her fall... she was sitting outside with my mom and my two aunts.  She looked amazing as I looked down from the upstairs window... It made me wonder if she looked down upon me like that...

When it comes to death I have always had this amazing belief that God does not take out love ones away completely and if we pay attention we can feel them with us through out the day.
Ever since my grandma has passed I believe this even more than I had before.

Not only is death all around me but she is all around me...

LISTENING TOO:
I Shall Not Want Audrey Assad
Humble                   Audrey Assad

Walk With Me (Live)     Jesus Culture