DAY SIX... SEVEN CENTRAL DISCHARGE AND SCARED

Tuesday came along just like any other day....
Breakfast, came early and fast...
Then rules... again the same ones EVERYDAY, yet there were some extra ones today because it was visitor day!!!
Activity for the woman was full of student nurses I think there were more of them then us...
Then group at this point I began to pick up on people and the way they acted towards other people... I guess I was becoming more like "Tina" it was hard to see people want the floor and everyone to pay attention during their time then when it was up they would fall asleep or get up and leave... I was the last person to talk...
There were very few people in the room and I said "I wish the new people did not get up and leave because when I first came in here I hated my mom, I blamed everything on her and now I realize that she was protecting my daughter from a very mean person that I had become..."
Lunch was served and right before visiting hours I was called in to see the doctor...
She said; "You do not want to go to group" and I interupted her and said "What do you think I should do?" She said "I believe it would be good for you, it is a step-down from here and you would not be going home with nothing" I then agreed to do it saying "you are the expert" She then said the words I never thought I would hear "Well if you agree you can be released today!"
My mom came at 2:00 to visit me and at 2:34 I was released, I left quick and only said good-bye to only a few because it was sad...
I walked out of the hospital with no shoes on... just my hospital socks...
As I stood outside waiting for my mom to pull the car up I just stood there breathing in the fresh air... it was the most amazing feeling in the world..
Fresh air.. what we take for granted until it is taken away from us...
What I did not know was I was about to be shaken alive and what I would learn was not good....

DAY 5 ON SEVEN CENTRAL... PSYCH FLOOR

Monday .... Oh Monday...
I thought you would be a normal day... well as close to normal as we could get on a psych floor... but BOY did you have surprise for me....

"BREAKFAST" Was yelled loud as cold be as usual..... followed by the rules... the same rules EVERYDAY!!!!  Then the day continued with activity with the girls while the men had their group... activity was fun filled and full of student nurses who loved to pick your brain and ask you a million questions... but as I learned from when I was in once with my a issue with my heart they have to learn some how...
You could not hide from them they would FIND you...
So between groups they would have their questions that they had to ask you so today felt as if I was being attacked with questions... the same ones I had answered a million times... well maybe not that much...

I had been on new medicine now for a while and I had been eating so I felt more like me... So when we started group it was hard for me, to I listen to people tell their stories I would forget about mine and want to help... I still do and am reminded that I have to focus on me for a while...
After group and before lunch the doctor wanted to see me and she mentioned me going to a program that was from 8:00 in the morning till 3:00 in the afternoon she described it as a group program... I told her I did not want to go because hearing other people's problems and stories made me sad and this was true.. so she said what she had been saying "we will see how you do tomorrow"  when other were talking about discharge I did not even think about it... I did not want to get my hopes up just to be told "one more day" or "one more week" which I had heard from other people up there.

Lunch came and then it started to happen... people started to go home... the same people who had helped me feel comfortable, gave me hints, heard my story and encouraged me all began to be discharged... This was hard... not because I was jealous I was happy for them I was sad because I had become friends with some amazing people that understood this darkness that I had seen because they themselves had been there too.

By evening there were more men then there were woman and that was strange...
There were new people coming up and taking their places but it was not the same...
No one tells you that the ones who help you the most will be ripped away from you without warning...
I think about them so much and wonder if they are on the right path... if they have a support group to fall back on... if they are lonely... if they are okay...

I pray everyday at lunch that God will protect and watch over all of us and keep up safe and help keep us on the right path... I pray that we will see each other again but not up there... in a restaurant or a store out among "the others"

DAY 4... SEVEN CENTRAL.... PSYCH FLOOR

Day four in my own prison full of people who had their own issues...some were there because they knew they were spiraling down and volunteered and others were there because they were made... I fell in that category of; you have no choice, yet they wanted you to be there to help yourself... I finally was grasping that.
An important part of this journey for me was I did not want my daughter to know what I did, I wanted to explain it to her in person...
Yet when I called home I was informed that she "overheard" and knew... I felt as if a part of my heart was ripped out of me... as if any progress I had made was erased.
I remember asking to speak with her and apologizing and her telling me "Mama, it is okay" that is her "thing" my thing is apologizing.  I guess that is why her thing is saying it is okay...
I told her it was NOT okay and no one should ever do what I did.  I began to cry and could not speak anymore so I tried to tell her I loved her and then asked for my mom...

Sunday was a different type of day because they were working on switching something over in the hospital so that meant a Black out from 8:30-7:00.  So before anyone could yell "breakfast" there was this horrible smell coming through the vents... I have seen many movies on the Holocaust and I would never ever compare my life to anything that they went through... Yet as I smelled this weird smell I envisioned the trains they would put the people on and gas them... I had to get out of that room... It is weird how your mind will work when you have nothing to do but think...
Everyone smelled the same smell, it turned out it was diesel from the generators that were powering the important computers and machines in the hospital...

Breakfast was being served when the power went out... so that meant if you needed to go to the restroom you went in the dark, they suggested that you kept your bathroom door open for light but what if someone walked in to your room?!?!?!  The nurses all had tiny flashlights and we did get a radio that ran on batteries.... Talk about strange being in the hospital and hearing Miley Cyrus singing "We Can't Stop" ... seriously!!! With the power being out that meant no water machine, no ice machine, no coffee... What was suppose to be a outage till seven at night turned out to be a small one... the lights were back on around three.

When the lights did come back on they kept the kitchen open the whole time I guess as a reward because we did so good with no power....

Monday would be a hard day... a lot of people that I became friends with would be discharged and although I was happy for them it was hard...

DAY 3.... SEVEN CENTRAL.... THE PSYCH FLOOR....

Visitor's day:
There is something that you need to know before I even begin this day...
My mom, in my mind she was the worst person in the world... I did not want to talk to her, I did not want to see her, I even went so far as to tell the nurses that when she called they were to tell her NOTHING!!!
I was still seeing her as taking my daughter away from me... If you can imagine a human brain more than half of the left side... I am talking about even coming down to the right ear just heard the word take... then what was left which was not much would try and tell me it was temporary... it was as if there was a very small part of me still alive in this mind that had been taken over by hatefulness and yes even evilness...
I was told by my caseworker that she believed I should hear my mom out so I called the night before (Friday night) and asked her to come up...

Saturday started as the others did...
BREAKFAST being called out in the hallways... I was not used to this early wake-up at all
Then the rules today was different because there were visitors so we were told some new rules that were about them and what we could do and mostly what we could not do...
For example my visitor was not allowed to see where I slept... they had to stay in one of the two lounges.
My mom came in with some candy, (I was so excited about the because the medicine gave me dry mouth)... some clothes from home (I was finally able to take a shower and get dressed in my own clothes) and some other things.
I do not know how my mom felt about being there, having her belongings locked up, having to be checked with a metal detector, she did not talk about it... she just held my hand as I told her about different people that scared me and others that had helped me... She wanted to meet my roommate but she was laying down....
It was an hour long but it felt as if she was there for fifteen minutes... It was hard to give her a hug and have her go...
On Saturday there was no group because the social workers were not there...
It was a long day... I spent most of my time in the smaller lounge also known as the "sport's lounge" because less people were in there and I liked the silence...
We were told that Sunday there would be no visitors because there would be no power from 8:00- 7:00 so they were going around giving out all the pop-cycles they had... I still was not in the mood to eat...
I think it was dinner I had a fruit cocktail and it tasted so good... I would be able to eat after that.
Saturday was hard because you are there all day long BUT it does not count for any time that you are there.... So if you were to sign the seventy-two hour sheet (which I did not) You did not get any credit for Saturday or Sunday.
Saturday evening there was a gentlemen named rev. James that came up to talk to us...
He was so very nice, as the storm hit outside and we were under a sever thunderstorm warning we spoke with him, the group was small maybe six...
He quoted the Bible verse "If God is with us than who can be against us"
My roommate and myself spoke about how it was God who brought us together...
After speaking with him, he came over shook my hand and told me that I was made for greatness!
I am sure I am not alone with this... when someone gives me a compliment I think "If you only knew"
I met some amazing people in that room that evening... I realized that these people were just like me... some were there because they could not afford their medicine and stopped it or stopped it because they began to feel better and thought "I do not need it anymore" NEVER STOP YOUR MEDICINE WITHOUT YOUR DOCTOR'S APPROVAL!!
Some where there because of alcohol or drugs, some where suicide attempts, some were there because they knew ahead of time to get help before it went that far and some were in bad relationships... the list goes on and on... the point is I believed that I was not like "those people" and I was wrong... I actually have never in my life met more sincere, honest and caring people in my life...

DAY 2: PSYCH WARD... AKA SEVEN CENTRAL..

After a long night.. one of me crying most of the night to my grandma to please help me and to God to please forgive me... I met my new roommate... Due to confidentially I cannot go into much detail but I do have to say that she helped me A LOT!!  She sang to me an old Gospel hymn and I knew that God had put me in that room for a reason..
The song went like this:
Come in the room, Come in the room, Jesus is my doctor He writes all my Scriptures He gives me all of my medicine in the room...
I am so Thankful for her...  The next morning was hard, my first full day..
I could hear someone calling out "Breakfast" I got up and went and received my tray and sat down but the smell of it made me so sick that I went back to the room...
Then about thirty minutes later I heard a loud voice I knew I better get up... it was a man who was going over the rules.. (the same ones everyday) I was in the corner wrapped up in blankets still scared to death...
People were making jokes and laughing and I just did not know why or how they could be laughing in this place...
After he was done it was time to get to work... You were encouraged to get dressed and walk around in your own clothes but I did not have any and visiting day was on Saturday and this was Friday... So I walked around in the hospital gown and lots of blankets.
The next thing I knew it was activity time...
There was Motown music and making bracelets and for a second I forgot where I was... I remembered my mom singing these songs when I was younger... the Temptations, the Four tops and so much more... I was doing great until a woman spoke up and said "It makes you forget where you are doesn't it" and just like a snap I was back to reality.
When it was over we had a ten minute break and it was time for group...
I heard so many stories... then it was lunch time again I could not eat... I went to my room and asked for my social worker... When she came in I started crying telling her I was not like these people... I did not belong here.. and the weekend was coming up and you do not get credit for Saturday and or Sunday.. I was so frustrated.  She told me to try and relax and try to get better my potassium was 0.  I stayed in bed for the rest of the day.  
I have never prayed so much in my life, I actually was praying to my grandma more than God.  I was begging her to give me her strength because I did not know how I was going to do it.  Little did I know she would be with me there and every where I went...

THE 7TH FLOOR.... PSYCH FLOOR.. DO NOT JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER...

DAY ONE:
My room on the fourth floor was right across from the nurses station that meant a few things, one of them was I could hear the nurses talking...
So as it grew time for me to be moved from the fourth floor to the seventh I became very nervous... I guess it was mostly because of those ideas that were placed in my mind from the movies.... For example Shutter Island, Patch Adams and Awakenings...
I remember them telling me my room was available and if you know anything about hospitals you are not immediately taken to your room it is hours before you are moved,... So that allowed my mind to think about how horrible it was going to be and this made me more and more terrified about the "move".
I remember the nice young man who came to get me, I had not eaten in days, just the smell of food made me sick and whenever they gave me medicine I gagged (I still do).  I guess that is one of the "side effects" of overdosing.  I was taken from my room to the seventh floor by wheelchair... I was given my belongings which were not many in a bag and I remember clutching onto it as if it was the last item I would ever see.
As I was wheeled up to seven central also known as the psych floor I cannot describe the terror that I was feeling....
I remember the elevator door opening and he wheeled me in back wards and as that huge glass door closed shut my first thought was; "this must be what prison feels like"...
I was taken to my room (everyone had a roommate) my room number was 770 the last room in the place at the end of this long hallway... The room next to me was a man... I thought to myself "Why are there men and woman so close to each other why are they not separated?"  The young man who brought me up to the floor gave me a tour of the place.  As he showed me the Kitchen that was basically a ice machine, water and coffee machine that was only open during certain times of the day... Then there was a large lounge filled with many people playing cards, and some watching TV.  then there was a woman's shower and a men's shower the rule that I liked the best was one person at a time in the shower.... there was a laundry room that was locked at all times... all the rooms were locked at all times accept the two lounges and the kitchen that had certain hours.
I remember him asking me were I wanted to go and I replied "to my room please" I was terrified of the laughing in the lounges and the people walking the halls,... As I sat in the room I looked at the emptiness...
There was what they call a box bed with no support at all there was a book case but all the doors were taken off and the hinges were removed... there was a waste basket but had a paper bag no plastic was allowed.  The window was unable to open  and within the two window pains were blinds what I was not able to close along with the blinds were a metal cage.... As I stared out the window I once again wondered if this was what prison was like.

I felt the need to get out of the wheel chair and go to the window... the sun was setting and as I stared at it I wondered if my daughter was looking at the same sunset,,,,
I soon got very tired and had to sit back down....

After sitting there and feeling sorry for myself I wheeled myself out in the hallway.... there I met some woman who were very friendly... They welcomed me and protected me from the few men who were trying to get attention... As I sat there they began telling me why they were there and even some great tips...
1.) DO NOT give away your food... This was a big one that I learned... The first couple days I could not eat and I just left it on table but after five days of no food the patients were more concerned then the nurse and or doctors.
When I could eat there were many that would ask "can I have" and or "are you gonna eat that"
2.)  Make sure you get an extra drink when the kitchen was open for night time because when the kitchen was closed not many nurses would open it for you.
3) Watch out for "_____" He is a homeless man who has been here for four months,  Every time it comes time for him to go home he falls flat on the ground so they will let him stay.  I asked why and they said think about it....He has a warm shower, three meas a day plus snacks, warm bed and TV.
4) Oh yes and the schedule... it was not a time for rest and or laziness you were there to get help and you were to go to group sessions...
        A) 7:00-7:45 Breakfast
        B) 8:00 Rules  this was the same everyday... the same rules read over and over
        C) 8:15- 8:30 Make out menus
        D) 9:00-10:00 Activity for the woman group for men
        E) 11:00-12:00 Woman Group and Activity for Men
        F) 12:00-12:45 Lunch
        G)  2:00  Education
        H) 5:00 Supper
         I) Activity (bingo for example and if there was candy the more people played)
        J) 8:30 Snack Could be a sandwich with juice or peanut-butter with crackers
        K) 11:00 TV's OFF
My first night I did not get to bed till 11:30 because they changed my room.  I needed a bed were the head of the bed would come up... Now before you go thinking it was a regular hospital bed it was not.... They had to crank it up by hand... I had never seen such a thing...
Another thing I had never seen was so much dirt in a hospital... The socks they gave me were black within an hour after they gave me...I guess they figured we were all to out of it to realize that we deserved a clean floor.
*Wow this has taken me back to a pace that I pray I never go again and I pray that the reader never has to go. I pray that my testament helps someone...
I beg you, do not wait for help... There is nothing wrong with getting help!

SUICIDE AND THE GIRL WHO LIVED TO TELL OTHERS

As I began to write this post I almost started a new blog, yet as I looked at the title I realized "My life the ups and downs" was just where this belonged.  That is because part of this story is where I hit rock bottom... I know I have written about hitting the bottom before but this is as Axl Rose would say "Knocking on Heaven's Door" bottom.

With the loss of my Grandma in January, my dog in March and adding on top of that not taking one of anti-depressants for about seven days.  I became a person that no one recognized...
I was coping well.... I guess... then the roller coaster began....
Attention all keep your hands in and buckle your seat belt we are about to go a journey that this writer hopes and prays you never have to experience.  One that she is sharing only to hep you understand, one that is so dark that death was looking her right in the eyes.

Monday night Sept 6th around 6 p.m. I decided that my life was to end.  Yes I was to end my life and no one would have a say in it. As a matter of fact a friend of mine asked me if I was okay and at the same time I began to take pills a hand full at a time.  100 of this kind, 75 of this kind, 40 of another and 9 to finish it off.  Life was not worth living in my mind my daughter was being taken away from me (which was not true, I had convinced myself to be true) and on top of that she did not want to be with me.  So what was the point?!?!
As I laid in bed waiting for death to take over a rush came over, a rush that can only be explained as fire.  It began at my head and worked its way flowing like a wave through my body all they way to my feet.  I remember thinking "Oh Dear God what have I done" then within a half an hour I was vomiting full pills and this continued all night long and into Tuesday morning.
I was staying at my mom's and she new how long I had been sick so she called 911.  When the ambulance showed up and I asked "Do I have to go in?"
I remember the look on their faces... I remember looking at my feet as they were turning blue..

As I got in the ambulance I did not say a word about overdose till we got to the hospital...
That is when I really wished I had not done what I did...
There was no need to pump my stomach due to that fact that I had been throwing up for over twelve hours... their concern was kidney and liver failure.  So I had to drink charcoal... This Thick charcoal, why;  because the charcoal would get all the chemicals out of my organs.  I could not drink it so they put a tube in my nose down into my throat.  A procedure she said would take two minutes took so much longer because the charcoal is thick.... I ended up NOT keeping that down and had to dink more...
When I was in the ER my friend Molly left work early and came to sit with me and my mom.  My priest also came up to see me... I remember I cried as each of them walked in.  I had convinced myself that no one care if I were gone and here were people coming in to see me and check on me.
I had to stay on the fourth floor before going to seven central.  I was not allowed to have a phone, garbage bag, gloves, ect.  so many things that you find in a normal room were taken out because I was a suicide risk.  I also had a sitter 24 hrs the whole time I was on the floor.  No one was allowed to come and see me and or call about me.

After poison control had cleared me I was on my way up to Seven Central also known as the psych floor...
A terrifying time for me....
One that you will learn more about soon...

Things I have learned:
*NEVER go off your medicine unless ordered by a doctor.
*When a person starts to isolate themselves from others that is a HUGE red flag
*When a person's personality changes BIG time that is another red flag
*Depression and Anxiety needs to be addressed more, it is an illness and people need to be informed!