Have you ever felt as if you were screaming at the top of your lungs yet no one heard you?
Yeah, it is a lonely feeling... you would think that the people who knew you the most would know that you are headed down the road of destruction... yet they do not ask those important words: "are you okay". Even though the reply would most likely be that fake smile or laugh with a common "yeah" or "sure"...
I have been down this road before...
Different reasons for each path that was taken... yet even though each path was different and each reason was different the outcome was always the same...
This time I can actually envision myself outside of my body...
The best way to describe it is that my body id beneath the ground and my hands are gripping for the ground to keep my above as much as possible...
Yet the more I scrape my finger nails into the ground the more I feel myself falling into this darkness that I do not want...
I miss my grandma, I miss her voice, her words of encouragement, her smell... I miss the way she would call me out of the blue and those times would be the times I needed her the most...
The first time I was in this darkness she was the one to bring me out of it...
I was just told that I would need a heart transplant in five years and that my new heart would only last five years so basically I had ten years to live... My daughter was five at the time and I believed that my life was over...
I went into my room after coming home from the hospital and would not come out of my room...
I did not want to see my daughter because in my mind I believed it was for the best, why let her get to know me only to have me pulled away from her...
In my mind I believed that my mom and dad was what she needed...
I have no idea how many days I spent in that room... until the day she came over and came into that dark room and sat on my bed...
She told me that I had to fight... that I could not give up because God was the one who would decide when it was my time not a doctor....
She was right it has been 9 years and no transplant... yet
I try not to think about it.. that is how I get by....
I just need to hear her voice... and I was coping with it well by using my dog... when I became lonely and missed her I would call on lady and she would let me cry in her fur...
Now I have no one...
My best friend is gone and my dog is gone...
I know this sounds like a pity party but she kept me alive and sane....
What am I suppose to do now?!?!?
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