HAVE YOU EVER WANTED A SIGN....

Have you ever wanted a sign that you are on the right path... or that you were meant to do something else?

Have you ever thought of an amazing idea, and it has kept you up at night...

Literally playing it out in your head how every detail would play out?

Did you act on it?

I have had so many idea's come to mind and they have played out in my mind.... yet I never acted on them... that is until recently....

As I laid awake watching this amazing event play out in my mind... remembering even the smallest detail... I took action and with so many people's help this idea became a reality...

So when you are laying in bed asking for a sign.... calm your mind, calm your body, and let the movie begin... all you have to do it make the first move...

Do Something.... You will not regret it!

WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT...

I went to visit my grandma's grave today... it was a little bit easier today...
I sat on the ground in complete silence just starring at the marker... now that the date is on there it is more of a reality.  I am not sure why, since I was one of the pallbearers...

Please do not get me wrong, I know that my grandma is not here... it is just a peaceful place to go and be able to talk...

After the long silence... I finally broke it with the words "I am sorry".  My grandmother was not just my grandma she was by best friend and I am not too good on the friend part.  She came to the hospital every single time I was there (for any reason).  Yet as she started to get worse I put myself first and my fear of seeing her decline.  Today as I sat on the grass in front of her marker I apologized for not being there as she had taught us all.

The wind picked up and I had this peaceful feeling, as if she was with me.

I know that January 14th of this year many tears were shed here on this earth yet at the same time there was a huge celebration going on in Heaven.

She was with her mom who she loved and missed so much, she was with her daughter who went before her at the young age of 10 days... she was with my grandpa, and all of her brothers and her sister.  The biggest and happiest family reunion was going on as we all wept... 

I cannot wait to see her again and be able to hug her and not have to worry about breaking her. I miss you everyday, I feel you giving me strength and I will not stop fighting.
I love you....

So What is life all about?  Death?  The time you spend in between, who are you living for?
I used to live for my grandma, now I choose to live for God, myself, My daughter, family, friend and everyone I meet.

Thank you for still teaching me how much you love me.

HEALING.... OUT OF THE DARKNESS AND INTO THE LIGHT...

My last few post were pretty dark... I was in a place I did not want to be..

Yet there is something that I have come to realize...
Before I was even born God was with me...
When my mom held me in her arms for the first time He was still with me...
All through my childhood the good and the bad.... He was with me...
Every time I breathe it is because He is with me

The times I chose to accept His grace, love and mercy are the best times of my life, the times I chose to stop doing my part was the times I fell into the darkness.

See people seem to believe that having God in your life is like magic... as if everything is just perfect.. and it can be BUT just like any relationship you have to give a little.
I say a little because even if you give a LOT in a relationship nothing compares to that of a Father giving His only Son...  This reality is the coolest ever once you realize it.. and just when you think you know His love He loves you even more.

I have sought love from a man and No love is greater than that of God Himself.

I did something that was way out of my comfort zone... and by doing so it helped me.
I had no idea that in doing what I did that I was going to receive the words that I needed to begin the healing process.

There is a reason why I am still on this Beautiful earth that God has given us...
He could have taken me home in 2005 but He did not.

I have to say it felt amazing being out of my comfort zone... and God has so much more planned within me... I just can feel it.

MISSING MY BABY GIRL

I took my daughter to a fine arts camp... when I left her she was in such a great mood, she was finding new friends and even old friends from school.
The bad news is that I cannot hear her voice until next Sunday.
The camp only allows hand written letters and care packages to be sent.
I am missing her voice... yes even the times we disagree.
I would rather her here arguing with me then away and no sound.

WHAT I BELIEVE...

                                                    WHAT I BELIEVE:

I believe the faithful are in heaven with the Father, yet just as God is always with us He allows those whom have gone before us to be with us in spirit.

                                                           

                                    It could be a simple smile from a stronger        

                                                A familiar smell

                                               
                                                A cool breeze

 

                                     A special song playing on the radio

                                The way the sun shines through the clouds

   

                         Some may even have a dream from their loved one

            I believe that God gives us these "little things" to help us with our pain and to help remind us that this is not the end.  For God Promises us that:

                                                                                                                                                                                                 We Will See Each Other Again!

TIME...

In 2005 when they found the virus on my heart a doctor came in at night and told me that I would need a heart transplant in five years and that would only last five years so I would be dead in ten years...
I do not know if it is the time is drawing near or because of deaths of my grandma, my dog and young friends.... but I feel this horrible feeling in my gut...

LIFE LIST...

I do not like the turn "bucket list" it is just too depressing and as if I need any more of that in my life...
So I have came up with the "Life List", the following is a list of things and or places I would like to do before the Lord calls me home:

NEW YORK
GET OVER MY FEAR OF HEIGHTS
CHICAGO (AGAIN)
RIDE A FOUR WHEELER
TAKE MY TRUCK THROUGH THE MUD
TRAVEL THE STATE WITH MY DAUGHTER
LOVE TO MEET ELLEN
SEE THE TIGERS PLAY AT THE NEW PARK
GO TO A NASCAR RACE
GET IN SHAPE IN ORDER TO WALK THE CRIM
THEN BE ABLE TO DO THE COLOR RUN
TAKE PICTURES OF GOD'S BEAUTY WITH MY OWN CAMERA
SEE A SHOW ON BROADWAY
TAKE MY DAUGHTER TO THE FALLS IN THE UP
SEE MY DAUGHTER GRADUATE
GO TO DC WITH MY DAUGHTER AND HAVE HER SHOW ME AROUND
GO TO VEGAS JUST TO SEE THE LIGHTS AND THEN LEAVE
SEE THE GRAND CANYON
TAKE MY DAUGHTER TO CANADA
NIAGARA FALLS
VISIT MACKINAW ISLAND
GO TO NOTRE DAME
GO TO BOSTON
GO TO IRELAND (YES THIS IS A DREAM BUT HAVE TO CONQUER THE FEAR OF HEIGHTS)


*I reserve the right to add as often as I please... it is my list

REGRETS....I AM SORRY GRANDMA...

In life there are so many regrets, we can try and get through life by asking for forgiveness and or letting go of something that we cannot changes...

Yet I have a HUGE regret and I am unable to say I am sorry.. I am unable to tell the person that I hurt that I regret it and if I could do over I would in an instant...

My grandma and I had became pretty close and I started taking her to her appointments, she would say that "Oh if you cannot do it I can take myself" but I knew that she was having mini-strokes and had no business on the road.

I started taking her to her back appointments for her to get her injections... we would talk all the way there, in the waiting room and all the way home.

I took her to get her blood drawn, different scans, eye appointments.. I loved it!
She was so cute though, we had to take her car, and she always claimed she was hungry so we stopped and would get lunch or breakfast depending on the time.

I was with her when she went to see the cancer specialist, I was happy with the time I was spending with her.
BUT when she had her big stroke and was in the hospital that was so hard to see.

This woman who was so independent, was depending on others for everything.

When I would go up to the hospital she would try and talk to me but she could not at first.

Then it after weeks, months she was ready to come home... but she had to visit the rehab facility.. I remember being in the back of the van my Uncle, grandma and I.  She was holding my hand so tight... I believe she thought she was being transferred there... My uncle and myself both tried to reassure her but I will never forget the grip she had on my hand.
Once she came home, the visits became less...
I know that my grandma was in there but it hurt to see her like that...
Now I know looking back that I was so selfish... She was my best friend and was always there for me... when she needed me I was "to scared" aka "being selfish"

I realized this too late, when she fell and after being in the hospital they put her in a rehab facility... I went often... yet as I looked at her I knew she was tired...
I had abandoned her when she needed me...
The what ifs will drive me insane if I allow them...
Yet through all of the sadness, tears and emotion I can sense that she is at peace and knows how sorry I am... and would not want me to hold on to this...

I am so sorry Grandma...

LETTING YOUR GUARD DOWN AND LETTING A STRANGER IN

I am a very stubborn person... I will be the first to admit that... if you tell me that I cannot do something or should not do something I will most likely do it just because you said I cannot... well within limits of course.

As a child growing up there were times that I felt as if my mother chose my dad over me... I do not write this to make anyone feel bad or hurt anyone I write this because there is a point...
Because of this feeling, when I had my daughter I swore that I would NEVER put any man in front of my daughter...

I failed... I failed miserably..
There were so many people telling me that what I was doing was not good... yet my stubbornness was going to show them all that I was right and I could be happy..

I paid for everything, plain tickets, hotel rooms, gas...

At some point there is always that voice deep inside you that tells you: "turn around, wrong way, u-turn" yet you do not hear it... well you choose not to hear it.

So I signed a lease for a apartment complex for this man to come and live here.  My thought was he could find a job and prove that he was ready to settle down be a man.
I took him to a couple job interviews because he did not have a car (I know shaking my head as I write this) and each one he had some poor excuse as to why it would not work...

As he became comfortable a side of him that I did not know started to come out...
When we where at my moms for Easter dinner we were leaving and he pushed me in the driveway because he was upset.  I told him to never touch me again!

Then about a month later all hell broke loose...
We were goofing around he got up and locked himself in the bathroom...
I thought he was just going to the bathroom.. so I hid in the other room, I had a marker and was just going to pretend to write on him when he came out....
He had sat down and when he seen me he got up grabbed me by my wrist and pushed me through the hall way past the bathroom onto the basement door.  He was screaming at me and had this look in his eyes that I had never seen.  As he pushed me up against the door I could hear the wood cracking... I can still hear that sound...

My daughter was screaming, "let my mom go!"
The door and windows were all open... I was praying someone would call the cops... all the screaming... why didn't they call the cops!

When he let go I was in the living room and my daughter was in the dining room the hall ways was so tight that every time I tried to get by he would block me... My daughter kept saying "Go outside mama" but the patio door was so high and I could see him pushing me down the steps... I was scared... I was terrified...
I told my daughter to go outside... she did not need to see anything....

I begged him to just let me leave... but he would not let me through every time I would go he would block me... This went on for a while it felt like hours but it was not that long...
My daughter came to the door and said "Guys we have a problem, I locked the dog in the car"
He let me through and when I got outside the doors were unlocked... and I got in with my daughter and left... as I pulled away he gave me this look... I knew my daughter had just saved my life...
The police were called and nothing was done... according to the officer it was because I left the scene... WHAT!!!!  I would later find out that someone at 911 called his wife and sent her over there to protect him...

I will say this... My daughter and My safety was in jeopardy that day and two people helped this man... bought him food, gave him a place to stay, even told the police that I was dramatic and not to believe my statement... Even though during the 911 it was pretty clear I was terrified...
Goes to show you that you cannot trust blood and people at 911.
The proof is all in the report.

FALLING INTO THE DARKNESS....

Have you ever felt as if you were screaming at the top of your lungs yet no one heard you?
Yeah, it is a lonely feeling... you would think that the people who knew you the most would know that you are headed down the road of destruction... yet they do not ask those important words: "are you okay".  Even though the reply would most likely be that fake smile or laugh with a common "yeah" or "sure"...

I have been down this road before...

Different reasons for each path that was taken... yet even though each path was different and each reason was different the outcome was always the same...

This time I can actually envision myself outside of my body...
The best way to describe it is that my body id beneath the ground and my hands are gripping for the ground to keep my above as much as possible...

Yet the more I scrape my finger nails into the ground the more I feel myself falling into this darkness that I do not want...

I miss my grandma, I miss her voice, her words of encouragement, her smell... I miss the way she would call me out of the blue and those times would be the times I needed her the most...

The first time I was in this darkness she was the one to bring me out of it...
I was just told that I would need a heart transplant in five years and that my new heart would only last five years so basically I had ten years to live... My daughter was five at the time and I believed that my life was over...
I went into my room after coming home from the hospital and would not come out of my room...
I did not want to see my daughter because in my mind I believed it was for the best, why let her get to know me only to have me pulled away from her...
In my mind I believed that my mom and dad was what she needed...
I have no idea how many days I spent in that room... until the day she came over and came into that dark room and sat on my bed...
She told me that I had to fight... that I could not give up because God was the one who would decide when it was my time not a doctor....

She was right it has been 9 years and no transplant... yet
I try not to think about it.. that is how I get by....

I just need to hear her voice... and I was coping with it well by using my dog... when I became lonely and missed her I would call on lady and she would let me cry in her fur...
Now I have no one...
My best friend is gone and my dog is gone...
I know this sounds like a pity party but she kept me alive and sane....
What am I suppose to do now?!?!?

THE GIRL WHO LIVED IN A BUBBLE.... PART ONE FAMILY

There once lived a girl in a bubble... who did not see the world as anything but what she lived...
She believed that every little boy and girl lived the way she did... and experienced the same things she did...
Now some may say that she was naive but that was not the case, because the girl learned about her friends life's and experiences as much as possible...  

She was Blessed beyond words to have her grandmother (her mother's mom).  Their family was a family that would get together often.  They always had a clean home, no matter what home they went too. They would go to the lake for cook outs, they would get together to play cards, they just liked being together.

Yet her real father's family was the complete opposite, they gambled, and their home was always dirty.  The little girl felt very unclean there... she does not have many memories... she often wonders what her mind does not want her to remember....

When the little girls parents got a divorce and her mother remarried her new dad had a family.  Yet his family was not like the family that she was used to... they did not get together, and her grandparents lived in Florida... the little girl had never been to Florida to see them... but her cousin from her mom's side did... her grandfather would make her cousin many things and the little girl would go without....

Three very different families... and no one seemed to understand why she was so attached to her mothers family...  They were the nicest, they would go out of their way to talk to her and let her know she was loved  and that was something the little girl was not used to...

When life became hard the little girl dealt with it the best way she could... wondering why life was so hard and why this was her life....

Little did the girl know that she was going to make it through this time in her life....
She would be okay... but was okay enough...

THE HEART...

We use our hearts to describe our feelings for others, and even when we are in pain we often explain the pain we have in our heart.

The human heart is an amazing muscle...
It is strong and it does so much work... work for the whole body,,

So when there is something wrong with the heart... well it seams to throw off everything.

Think about it...
When someone is suffering from a broken heart, they become depressed... then their appetite changes, mood changes... might loose or gain weight...
When someone puts there heart into a relationship or even a project their whole life becomes involved.

Just the same when something is actually wrong with the heart the other organs and muscles are affected.  With my heart the issue is that it is too weak to pump out the fluid... so I have to take a water pill.. which in turns drains me literally... The next day I am weak, tired, exhausted... now I have been told that I need to drink as I loose the water to keep hydrated... yet I find that I get really thirsty and end up putting all of the fluid back in my body.. so it is a no win situation.

I get by by not thinking about my heart... at night when I turn I can often feel my pacemaker poking out of my skin... then I get anxious and have to try and calm myself.

So as long as I do not think about the problem at hand I am good...
Until I go to the doctor and he wants to run test for heart failure...
My heart doctor told me that I am always in heart failure!  So I am not sure what to expect...
So for now I will try and not think about it.. it felt good to get it out there.. now I can try and bury it again until the next appointment...