TO MY DAUGHTER... FROM A MOTHER WHO TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE

I wrote this letter in group on September 30th during lunch...
I had my daughter read it that night...

It has been you and me for a while... and we have been Blessed to have Granny and Papa who have always stepped in when mama has been sick.  This has to be confusing for you and I am so very sorry,

I can hear you now already saying; "It's Okay" but let me say it is not and this is not "normal" even though as I go through life I am not even sure there is such a thing as "normal".

I want the best for you, as a parent you always want the best for your child.  Yet the road block for us has always been mama's health.  Since you were five you have lived in a house with three adults and mama being up and down with her health.

We were doing so good and I know mama has hurt you and it is NOT okay!
Our family (you and I) were on a solid ground and when mama was mean and then tried to kill myself our solid ground crumbled as if it was a earthquake. 

Our home has been destroyed and there is nothing left but a doorway.

That doorway is a symbol of our family and we will one day walk through it again but until then mama is working on getting better so that this never happens again.  I am also focused on earning your trust once again.

I do THANK GOD that this has happened to me and to you!  I pray that you have learned that suicide is not the answer and God is the one who decides when your time is up on this earth.

Your are made for so much and HE has so many plans for you!
Love Mama

*I drew the following to go with the letter...

We came back to the apartment last night and have so far had an okay time... Some memorizes have come back to me but I have to remind myself that those events happened in my past and I cannot change them.
I am working on today not then or tomorrow but this moment in time.

THE MADOFF FAMILY

As I sit here checking in on my facebook account I see the headline news is Frozen, and then the death of Andrew Madoff son of Bernard Madoff...

Now I have to admit that I had to Google the name, once I found out who he was I remembered the who story... 

As I looked at the thousands of post regarding this young man's death I am sick...
People posting horrible feeds such as:
"The sins of the Father"
Karma is a Bitch"
"What Goes around goes around"
"Serves him right"
"Kind of Shakespearean if you ask me  Brilliant" 
WOW...
Andrew was 48 years old and lost his battle from cancer...
He grew in his mother's stomach just as everyone of the people that posted this, just as this writer did.  He went to school, I am sure he had friends and others that did not like him.
He had a life... Part of his life was his father but Andrew was never charged for anything..
Then his brother killed himself...
Why is it justice for a son of a felon to go through cancer?
Why is it okay for people to speak such hate towards someone they do not even know?

As Andrew's friends and family grieve today they will go on their facebook wall and write something like this:
"Today I lost my best-friend"
When they look to the side they will see the ticker click on it as I did and be crushed.
Why is our first reaction in this world is to knock someone down.. 
Shouldn't we be helping each other up..

To the Madoff Family and friends I am so very sorry for your loss, it is a great loss and a heavy one I am sure.
I know no words will make it better but please know that I am praying for Andrew and you all.

1949... 1984.... 2014

Today in history was a huge day although you will not find it in on the cover of any magazine or the front page of any newspaper.  
Two of the most important people in history were married...
No it was not the Kennedy's, they are far more important than that.  For if they were not wed this post would never had been written because this writer would never had been here.

The wedding of Geraldine to Delmar on September 3, 1949...
She wore a beautiful white gown that had a long train that she had to carry in her hand when she walked.  She carried a small bouquet of flowers as her dad walked her down the isle.  Her older sister was her maid of honor, two friends as bridesmaid's and her younger sister was the flower girl.  While he stood waiting for her wearing a striped suite with his friend who lived next door to him and two of her brothers and a little boy who was the ring bearer.  They where wed in a Catholic Church on that beautiful day, and beautiful pictures were taken to show the love between them.

As you know grandpa passed away in 1984 from cancer, she took care of him and he passed away at home in their bedroom.
This year in January grandma joined him in heaven, she also passed away in the same room.

Today is the first time in 30 years that they are together for their wedding anniversary.
They say there is no such thing as time in heaven...
It still makes me wonder what it is like.. if I did not think I would not be normal right...

So in my mind today in heaven looks like this:
September 3, 2014:
All of heaven is joined together in a celebration of the love and wedding before God
Our celebrant today will be the Father, Son and Holy Spirit
Please stand as the Father of the Bride walks his Daughter down the isle 
As Everyone stands all of the angels begin to sing a song so beautiful that fills your soul with such love a love that you can only feel in heaven.
As she walks down the isle she looks up and sees the two men she was always faithful two God the Father and Delmar.  Her mother is there with a huge beautiful smile and all of her brothers are there, her older sister and so many relatives that she never ever knew on earth.  His parents who passed away when he was younger are their and so are all of his relatives.  They are wed before God Himself and the whole day is a day of celebration.  
The reception is far more better than the one they had here on earth her favorite song "Frankie and Johnny" and Jim Reeves is there singing his favorite song He'll Have to go".  Geraldine Loved to dance and I can see her getting the Lord to even dance with her.  
Enjoy your day Grandma and Grandpa, dance, laugh, celebrate the many years of happiness.  In time we all will be together again... That is in God's time.
  .

LAST SATURDAY NIGHT...

Friday night we ended up packing up and heading to my mom's because of our apartment having a ton of wasp...
Home will always be home because my mom is there but everything is different.  There is a bed there for anyone who visits which is nice...
Friday night my daughter and I slept in the bed but once I got out of bed she took over the whole thing, I am sure she was praying I would not come back in.  I spent the night in one of the chairs in the living room.  I could not sleep and stayed up all night just thinking about everything and anything.
Saturday night I hit a wall... one that I could feel myself heading towards for a while now.

I am not good with change, not at all.. and my life has been nothing but change for the last year.
I just had to get out of there...
As I got my shoes on my mom told me I better not leave but I had to get out of there...
I drove up the street and into a parking lot crying like a baby.... hysterically begging my grandma to just let me come home, I told her that I can not do this anymore and I begged her to ask God to just let me come home.  Then I just begged Him, Please!!!!!
I went back still alive and very pissed off at the fact that I was.
I went into the room and out all the pills I had on the bed...
I started to take some a little at a time, and then I realized that I could not kill myself that way...
This stupid pacemaker/defibrillator would keep shocking my heart and I would have to live through them pumping my stomach and that sure was not worth it.

Christina seen me take some pills and screamed for my mom... at that point I was not doing anything.  I wish she would not have seen me, now she has another memory of me were I am falling again.

I know you are all thinking what about your daughter... She has said on numerous occasions that she wished I was not sick and what is going to happen to me in four years when she goes away to college.  She should not have to worry about that she is fourteen.

MY DAD... HIS STORY COPD

As I write this my dad is having a procedure done; they are taking a camera down into his lung to see what the "mass" is.  One doctor says "Oh it is nothing" and another says "it looks like cancer".

Two things have assisted in my dads lung problems and I am sure if he seen you with a cigarette he would want to ask for one.  He had only been smoking since he was 12, by the age of 50 his lungs had collapsed on him three times.  They told him if they did it again there was nothing they could do, yet he still lit up.  
At the same time my dad was a volunteer firefighter for the city we live in, now please do not think that I am at all blaming the fire department at all.  My dad loves being a fire fighter and would not give it up for the world.  One night he inhaled a lot of smoke at a fire and was sent to the hospital.  My mom was the dispatcher for the same fire department and remember that ride to the hospital as if it was yesterday... Thank God it was the middle of the night because she did not stop for any light.
When my daughter was born in 2000 my dad was so wonderful, every time he had to smoke he would go outside into the garage.  He even had a space heater for the winter to keep warm.  He did not want to endanger her with second hand smoke.  Even though it was his home and we were living there with them he did it anyways.  He would do anything for her, but would he give up smoking?

The answer yes, after I believe he was scared to death literally.
With half of his lung completely dead and emphysema, COPD taking over he left the hospital and never lit up again.
Since then he has taken my daughter to every daddy daughter dance, danced with her on stage at dance recitals.  He has been a hero to her.

My dad could be such an ass, him and I would fight over nothing.  Yet with her he is a complete polar opposite.
Fight the good fight dad...
You have so much more life in you!

DEAR GABBY...

The following was found on a page that I have "liked" on fb:

Hello my dear brothers and sisters in Christ. I am asking for prayers for a dear friend of mine. He is batting with a severe case of depression and even wants to end his life. Thanks and blessings to all. [Gabby Ebertowska]
My reply:
Dear Gabby,
My prayers go out for your friend, it is hard to give advice... yet I will try.  I myself have been there just recently.  You probably have noticed that he has become more and more distant.  you become so consumed within your own thoughts and within your own mind that nothing else seems to matter.  I had one friend who just would not leave me alone, even though I would not read her text, fb messages, emails she did not care they just kept coming. 
The thought of God is one that even for the most faithful is sickening because you have convinced yourself that you are not good enough for Gods great love.
I tell you this so that you can see it from his side, from the mind of a person who is ready to just let it go.
Gabby, be that friend, be strong and do not let go
Here if you need to talk

I share this because many believe that the thought of letting go of God's most precious gift "life" is something that is inconceivable, unimaginable... and that is because they have never been in that place of darkness where you have let yourself dive so deep within yourself that you actually loose yourself.
Imagine a maze, you start it and see the end yet as you stare at it after four hours (it is a big maze) the lines become blurry.  You no longer see lines you are in the maze and there is no way out, you find yourself running trying to catch your breathe as you turn the corner only to find another wall blocking you... each wall has a message, or a memory.  Ones that you have buried deep within your soul praying to never find again.  The voices of people in your past saying hateful things, your voice telling you "if you would have done this instead of that".

Yet earlier tonight as I sat here and watched countless video's of Robin Williams, and crying my ass off I found something in common with Robin and we said something that opened my eyes.
In an interview with Barbara Walters Robin said: "You and I have both been given second chances at life and not many get that"
He is right!

ANTHONY AND ALS....

It has lit up our facebook stats and youtube is flooded with many uploads from the now famous ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.

What fun to watch your favorite celebrities join forces and even people in our community including cheerleaders, football players, priest, youth groups and so many more get soaked with ice cold water.
That was until I found Anthony...
Anthony had an opening that caught the viewer by surprise in his bright bikini with "Kiss my ALS" written upon his bum...  running around playing in the water as a little kid would. 
Yet as the video played on Anthony opened up with tears in his eyes, his grandma had ALS, his mother has it, and now he has it.  Anthony opened his heart up and his home for us to see what it is like to live with ALS as he took care of his mother.
I fell in love with Anthony right away, who wouldn't...
Many... Why?  
Many calling him gay, the way that people can sit behind a computer and use words to hurt another person saddens me!
Here is the video please watch the whole thing:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h07OT8p8Oik&app=desktop

If you knew that you were going to someday soon loose your ability to walk, talk, lift your arms, move your feet, do anything on your own wouldn't you live everyday to it's fullest?
Anthony is doing just that!  I see courage, strength and angel in this amazing young man.

Now I dare you to watch this video made 5 months ago:
http://vimeo.com/88504479

Anthony has a girl friend, he is not gay and if he was it would not matter.  It just goes to show you how quickly people are to judge even one who has an illness with no cure.
So Anthony for you I will be taking the ice bucket challenge within 24 hours and donating money to http://www.als.net/
PS Even though some people n business chairs working for pharmaceutical companies do not think your life is worth it.... Know that I do!
Stay Strong and now you are not alone we are all behind you!