THE EMPTY CHAIR...

I have seen many poems and posting regarding "The Empty Chair", yet I did not feel the heartache of the empty chair till I begin to think of the holidays...

For as long as I can remember the Holidays have been your favorite...
Decorating the house was so important... and it was so amazing to be in your home around the holidays as a child.  Being in your home when I was younger on a normal day I felt as if I was in a castle... you lived in a three bedroom two story yet it seemed so huge compared to our home...  Your home was always beautiful, well kept and so perfect..
It had a smell... I think everyone has their own smell... If I knew you would be leaving this earth and with you everything would be going with you I would have bottled up that smell so when I needed you I could open it up and smell your presence...

As I think about Thanksgiving I remember it being a production.. and I wonder how you did it.... You would always wore an apron, and would have ten things going on at once (it felt like a hundred) I have to say you were very creative with two kitchens and you used it to your advantage... in the basement you would have pies heating in the oven with the ham.. and all kinds of salads in the refrigerator including your broccoli salad, and your fruit salad.. well two of those because I did not like nuts in my food so you would make a second one just for me...Upstairs is where everybody was running around but not you... You had done this so many times before... on the oven was potatoes and the gravy... while in the oven was the turkey... when the turkey came out the rolls went in....
By the time we got there the table was usually set... so my job was to fill the glasses with ice and water... My uncle Tim and Tom were really helpful while the other boys were usually in the living room watching the lions... because that is what happens on Thanksgiving...
When it was time to eat we all took a seat, sometimes we had to sit in the kitchen because the house was full... I loved that...
You always sat at the front of the table... it was your seat.. Grace was said then everything was passed around...
The work that went into Thanksgiving was incredible yet it was over in a instant...

The family tried to convinced you to go in and have a seat in the living room where you had a chair, as they all took turns washing and drying dishes, putting away the leftovers...

This Thanksgiving I am not sure what we are doing...
The family has lost it's glue that has kept it together...
No matter where we are... if we are home or if we are at your home...
I know one thing will be for certain...
Your chair will be empty...
The woman who worked everyday to keep the peace and everyone together is now at peace with her husband and family... 





The Empty Chair...
The chair who once held an angel is now empty
The chair who once held every child is now sad
The chair who once rocked every grandchild stands silent
The chair who once seen every great-grandchild sees no more
The chair who once heard the laughter hears no more...

The chair sits in the corner waiting for you just as we do...
The chair wonders if heaven is filled with chairs just like it...

THE SNAIL...

I have been crawling up this hill of recovery...
Along this journey I have had to make my way over what should be easy hurdles...
Yet they have been pretty hard to do.. I feel as if I am a snail and I have finally made it far enough to look back and know I have made progress.. then BAM!!!!
Someone knocks me back down and stomps on me and my progress...

As I lay on the ground looking up at the progress and where I had been I feel as if I will never make it there again... I try to think why someone would have so much hate and anger for me to have knocked me down when I was trying so hard to make it back to the top...
The top for me was just being "normal"..

I think of the people I have hurt and wonder if they felt like this... for this I am sorry...
Are they the ones who knocked me down... I always heard karma was a bitch...

I sit alone at the bottom of the hill, and as I look around I realize I am even deeper in the pit than I was before...

I will start my journey back up the hill... but not right now... now I will sit in the tears that I have cried and wonder why... Why someone would think that this was good for me...

Right now this snail will crawl in her shell and hide here until I feel safe to come out and try to crawl up that hill again...

THE FIX IT BUTTON....

If I had a fix it button....
I would pay as much as possible in order to have this button that would allow me to go back and fix what I have done... Although what I have done has made me who I am...
I would pray that it did not have a limit or have a battery in fear that when I needed it most the battery would die and I would have to try and find one of those small screwdrivers to open it and then pray that I had a battery to replace it...
I would not care what color my fix it button was... it could be black, grey or white...
No matter what color it was you would only be able to see the many finger prints on it, and after a while the color would wear off due to so much usage...

In the beginning I would convince myself not to use it that often... I would tell myself to use only in case of emergency and would even pay extra to have it put in a glass case that I would have to break, like you see in some fire alarms...

There are times in my recent life that I know I could use this button:
*I would hit the fix it button and take me back into time and change the night of September 15th..  
*I would go back even further and make sure I was taking my medication...
*I would take back everything I said to all of my friends and family during that time: A person can apologize but once the words are said it is hard to forgive for some...
*I would hit it every time my daughter gave me that look, the look of "am I okay with you?"
*Every time she mentions my "illness"...
*Every time I get caught up in my little problems: that are in reality not that big at all compared to so many others....
*Every time my mom calls just to "See if we are okay": She does this out of love and I know she worries...
*Every time I have fell away from God: Even though when I look back I can see His presence with me through it all..

Maybe this is why there is no "Fix it Button" we have to stumble in our journey in order to grow, become stronger, build stronger relationships with God, friends and family...
The hardest part is knowing that I have hurt my daughter...
Now that is something I have to Fix and it will take time, and she is not patient...
Yet love is patient...

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Listening too:

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

[3x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Watch the video here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

IF I COULD TELL YOU ONE THING... A LETTER FROM A SUICIDE SURVIVOR TO THOSE EFFECTED BY SUICIDE..

I write this for anyone who has loosed a loved on and or friend from suicide, please do not blame yourself and think "If I was there.." If you were there you would have witnessed it.. the following is to show you that even if you were present the person would have done it anyway... I write this with love and from my experience... 

I have often wondered why I am still alive, what did the big man up there have in store for me?  In the past fifty days I have experienced six loses and three of them have been suicides..  In my heart I have felt their pain, I have seen the sadness on a mothers face as she sits in utter belief, I have seen the tears roll down a grown mans face as he tried to talk about his best friend, I have seen classmates walk with the blank stare in their face in disbelief,  The father who lost his best-friend ...  
God has allowed me to see both sided of suicide and I am now able to share with you what is actually happening in the mind of a person who is about to take away God's greatest gift... Life..

So what is happening in the mind of one who is about to kill themselves?
A pain and darkness that makes them feel so alone they have no other way out...
NO they have no other way out!  You could be sitting right next to them and show them all the beautiful days of their life and all they would see is the darkness... .

The darkness that your mind spirals into is a darkness that one could only describe as a pit one bar above hell... The only difference between the darkness you are in and hell is there is no fire.  You hear all of your past mistakes and sometimes even relive them in you mind step by step... You hear all of the nasty and negative words people have ever called you and things you have called yourself..  You believe these things because if you were smart you would have never made the mistakes that you had just relived..
A person in this state will start to become very mean;
Physically, verbally, and emotionally...
I broke so many things, it was as if a volcano was erupting and I did not know what else to do... Before I overdosed I knew I was leaving this earth and I deleted almost everyone off of my facebook.. I had over 400 friends and took it down to 67.. I went off on family members with mean hateful words that can only heal over time.. The things I said to my mom and daughter were things I wish I could forget, even though that would not heal the wound...

It was as if my mind was preparing the world to hate me so they would not mourn me..
They would be too busy being pissed off at me.

As I sat in my mom's guest room and finished taking the 250 pills I did pray to my grandma..
I asked her to help me, that I did not want to live here anymore and I just wanted to go home (heaven)... 

The point is that not once did I think about my 14 year old daughter who did not have a father in her life.. I only thought about getting out of this world.
When a person is in that deep in the darkness there is no talking them out of it... there is no reasoning, they are not thinking clearly...
They did not mean to hurt you and all the mean and hateful things they may have done before was not intentional either.
It is upsetting to hear "that is a cowards way" or "they did it for attention"
No this is an illness, one that the world needs to pay a lot more attention to...

BUT WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS:
They did love you and they did not mean to hurt you.
I pray my words helped you understand that you are not at fault, you actually gave them some of the best years of their life... it was the illness that took over at the end.
My prayers and will you all.

THE LAKE HOUSE... Part I

I have seen it in movies... you know that beautiful home on the water where kids had the times of their lives...
For me it was my life...
When I was younger my grandma received a house right on Lake Huron in the thumb...
Now as a child I heard many times "lets go up to the cabin for the weekend" yet this was no cabin...
From the road the house looked small but from the water you were able to see the house in all it's glory...
There was a white picket fence that went around the house and in order to get to the door you had to go down a steep hill which was replaced with granite steps by my grandmother..
The door was on the side of the house and entered right into a huge living room, all of the walls through out the home were wood, the kind that you would find in a cabin...
To your right was three bedrooms... the first was a small bedroom that my grandmother always slept in, then a small room my aunt would stay in and then the "Blue room" we called it that because it was decorated with a blue comforter and blue curtains and then at the end of the hallway was a small bathroom ...
To the left of the entrance was the stone fire place that took up almost the whole wall then a beautiful window that looked out unto the water... then a door that went onto a deck that would be replaced after a tornado with a beautiful room.. the room was all windows with a high ceiling this would be known as the "backroom" this was attached to the kitchen with beautiful french doors and there was also an entrance to the kitchen from the living room.
There was a second floor, and I remember the stairs leading up to the second floor being so small, steep and dark... yet it was the funnest place to be when we were kids..with two bedrooms, the first room was smaller but had two queen size beds in it and the other room was much bigger and at one point held five beds. There was also a bathroom up stairs but no shower due to the slanted ceiling...no one would be able to stand up in the bathtub...  There was also a full basement that had a shower in it, I believe that the person who built it put it there so when you got out of the water you were to enter into the basement and clean off the sand before entering the house.. we used the shower a lot but because it was so scary in the basement someone was usually down there with you...
When I was much younger before the "backroom" was added my mom, dad, brother, two cousins and uncle were up there with me... It was a two hour drive from our home to the house on the lake... This day was a hot day and when we arrived we all changed as fast as we could to take a dip in the water to cool off... The lake house did not have air... the water was our cool breeze...
We were all in the water when someone noticed lightning in the far distance so we all got out and changed.. My uncle put chicken on the stove to fry and it feels like it was within minutes the storm was upon us...
I do not even remember walking down the stairs I just remember being upstairs and then in an instant being in the basement...

My dad was upstairs trying to shut the door and could not.. he was screaming for my uncle but we could not hear him... all we could hear was this horrible noise..
It was a tornado, it had taken the roof off of the house down the road, uprooted a tree, and ripped off the screen porch.. the porch also had an older refrigerator on it... one that was very heavy and it was picked up and thrown as if it was a pair of dice in Vegas...
My grandma did have insurance and that is how she was able to rebuild the beautiful "backroom".  I cannot tell you how many hours we spent in that room, grandma had a beautiful dining room table and we ate all of our meals there and played so many hands of euchre... and other card games...
Some times we would just sit and watch the water or listen to oldies 96 the only radio station that was strong enough to work here and there...
So many summers and so many memories...
I know how Blessed I was to be able to go to a lake house... and to just get away with my grandma.

A SAINT WAS BORN....

Today is November 1st... On November 1st 1901 a Saint was born on this All Saints day...
Her name was Katherine... Her family would call her Kate...
I am proud to say she was my great-grandma...
My memories of her are that of a grandma... and more..
Whenever we went to visit her in her home she always had the TV on, it would be on one of two channels... It was on either her "stories" (her soap opera's) or EWTN.  Yes we are a Catholic Family, yet I have to admit my version of a Catholic family and her's is so different..
That is something I need to work on.
There are so many things I remember about my Great-Grandma T, she would sit in her rocker (lazy-boy) and rock back and forth.. I remember this because her feet would be crossed at her ankles and the leather on her shoes would rub together and squeak..  Her lips would always be moving, even when she was not talking to you... because she was praying.. Yes she always wore an apron with the Rosary tucked inside it..  I often wonder how many times she said the Rosary in a day... she always had candy to offer us (you know the old fashion hard candy).. So many memories I have of her..
I find that I am losing my memory as I get older, I am only 38 seems a little too young to be losing my memory; could be all the medicine I am on... So times like these when I remember such great times I must write it down.. This way my daughter can tell her children all about her great-great-grandma whom she is named after...

In her lifetime she suffered great loss.. As I sit her writing this I wonder if that is why she had such a devotion to the Blessed Mother.  When you think about it the Blessed Mother watched her son die and kept living for others... and grandma did the same...
She lost all of her son's at the time of her death the only ones living were her girls....
Grandma passed her love of her faith down to all of her children and the girl's all had such a great love for their faith.. My grandmother would get on her knees every night on that hard wood floor to pray for each one of us.. and there are a lot of us... I know she is still praying for us...I can see her on her knees before the Blessed Mother and God Himself.. I know I felt her prayers when I was in the hospital..

I was looking for a picture today to put on my fb page that showed my great-grandma and my grandma together, since this is the first year in many years they are together for her birthday...
Oh how the Angels must be celebrating... even though there is such sadness her on earth..
I believe that today is a extra special day on earth.. a day when we can ask the Saints the impossible and they will help assist.  They know my prayer, although a silent one...
Maybe one day I will write about it but today it is too fresh and I know you will understand..

So my words for you today is this:
Although you may be having a horrible day look up
Even in the darkest day there is light.. That is the Lord guiding you
When you are having a good day, do not take it for granted...
Praise His who has given us so much...
May we live a life that is not always of want..
But one of praise and prayer..

Look to the sky there is always light even in the darkest storm.