My uncle is in the hospital and is very sick... I have been asked to pray for him.
So I Plead to you to please pray for my uncle... because I do not know if I can...
Words such as prayer, God, Jesus, Church all make me want to scream...
When someone begins to talk about these such subjects I hold the phone away from my ear..
Or I change the subject right away...
This is odd coming from the girl who once made her closet into a confessional as a child.
I have read the Bible, I started Divine Mercy groups... I know all about it but I just can't take hearing about it....
I have come to the conclusion that I am PISSED OFF!!!
My best friend is gone and there is nothing I can do about it... I know "she would not want me to feel this way" BUT she is not here to help me through it and I she is the only person who could hep me out of this...
I know this because she is the one who helped me out of it before.
I know what I need to do.. and I know what I need in my life but I do not know how to take the steps to get there.... I am just so ANGRY and that anger is changing me...
I am becoming a very angry person.. I complain about everything and everyone...
I will make it through but in the mean time please pray for my Uncle.
Much Love
Dear Tina,
I know you are hurting and you feel alone in this world, but the truth is very different from how you actually feel this very second.
I can see you rolling your eyes and wanting to close your computer and continue taking pills until you cannot feel anything any more.... But I do know how you are feeling.. the darkness that you believe no one else in the world could ever comprehend.. the feeling of complete and utter loss that is so deep that it hurts to breathe... Everyone is against you so why are you still hear? That is what your mind is telling you in this very instant but I am hear to tell you this... In the next few months you will miss out on so much if you go through with killing yourself....
You will not hear your baby girl say "I love you" again...
You will miss out on her coming to you just to say "Thank you for everything"
You will never hear the word "Mama" again, or have her grab your finger as she did when she was a baby...
You will never know the people that you have impacted in your life because you will not be hear to see it. Instead you will be a haunting memory to them and a question to your family as to what they could have done differently...
You will miss your daughter's first dance... and first boyfriend... and her first heartbreak...
You will not be able to take any more trips. your daughters first time to Canada...
You will not be able to apologize for the mean things you said before you went...
You will not be able to smell the lilacs in the spring... or see the tulips burst with color...
You will never see another sunset... or take another one of your million pictures of the sky...
You will not be able to hear a baby cry and a puppy bark...
You will not be able to play with your daughters feet which will always be those cute piggies...
You will miss the first snow... making snow angels, the feeling of the snow and hot chocolate afterwards...
You will Miss Christmas... your favorite holiday... and family
Miss the sound of laughter and the feeling of laughing so hard your stomach hurts...
You will miss your daughter being confirmed in the Catholic Church...
I am not saying this year will be perfect...
You will get into arguments...
You will be low on money often....
Some of your family will never speak to you again...
You will feel as if people are judging you for what you did....
You will have days that are dark and you will have days that are bright....
You will miss out on ALL of this because of the way you felt that day in September....
Well you may have lost it all... I just Thank God He was watching over me and I am hear to say that I have been Blessed to see and do all the above... the good, the bad, the great, the amazing.... This is my life <3
Writing for me has been therapeutic, a place where I could put into words my thoughts and memories to share with others and or to read in the future.
I had a perfect routine, I would put on music to get in "the zone" as my daughter would always call it. I would place my headphones on, choose a topic that was usually something that was going on in my life and just type...But something has changed... well a lot has changed...
One thing is the fact that I have not written in a long time. every time I have tried I just give up... The thoughts just do not come as easily as they have in the past. Writing to me became an addiction, so I have been yearning for the touch of the keypad under my finger tips as I type faster than I would ever let anyone see me type...
I have often wondered if it is the medicine they have put me on, how can something that I love an enjoy become so hard to do now?
Depression is very difficult to live with, yet millions of people live with it everyday...
I will get back to the things I love and enjoy!
