2014 MY YEAR IN REVIEW...

2014 was a year that had more downs than ups....
It began in January with the death of my best friend and grandmother...
February brought my first first birthday without her being by my side or hearing her voice...
March was the first year I did not send her St. Patrick's Day flowers...
April was the first Easter without her.....
May was the first Mother's without her.....
***It is ironic how hard it is to go to a store and not buy a grandma card***
June was the first time I did not tell her Happy Birthday on earth..
July was the first summer without her
August was the first year she was missing from a family party
September I decided I wanted to go home and be with my grandma... there would be no more missing her because I would be by her side... Yet God had another plan...
October was the first year we did not stop by her house for trick or treat
November was the first time she did not sit in her spot at the head of the table...
December was the first Christmas without her...

So to wrap this year up...
It was a lot of first without the woman who was there for me more than anyone else...
The one whom I would call when I needed someone to talk to...
The one whom I loved to just be around...

2015 is a new year but there is still one more first... her one year anniversary of her death...
I do not want to rinse and repeat...
Yet how can I not repeat the year above without the missing piece 

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS...

Yes my friends we are at that time of year again when we look at our life and think hmmm...
What have I done that I want to get rid of? Want to do again?  Want to do for the first time? Want to get back to doing? Want to change? Want to start? Want to end? Want.... Need... Like.. Want... Need... Like... Sigh

Most of us will break that said new year's resolution before the week is up...
Sure the New Year is a great time for change... It is a brand New Year one we have never seen before... unless we have time traveled here and then it is just deja vu...
I mean come on... It is a brand New Year one we have never seen before... unless we have time traveled here and then it is just deja vu. (Sorry I had to)

I am sure Church's are full at the beginning of the year (except on Easter and Christmas)...
Diet food is sold more in the new year...
Exercise equipment is sold more in the new year...
More budgets are created in the new year..
More self-help books are sold in the new year...

Yes many people want to start a "new" a "Change" in the new year...

Why do we set ourselves up for failure?!? Why must it be something big?!?!

Setting a huge goal on weight loss is only going to make you want to eat when you do not meet your weight loss before Valentines day... and the candy is already out...
I am not saying do not loose weight.. I am saying do not put a name on it...

Setting a budget is great for those who can follow one.. but if you have to set one for new years you most likely are not going to follow it... Sorry to say... start simple open a Christmas account and next year at Christmas it will not be so hard...

Self-help books are great.... for the author.... I have a pile of them... you want one... for free!!

Here is what I suggest a simple daily routine (OH MY GOSH!!!! EVERYDAY!!!)
Laugh!!! No matter if you have had the day from hell there is someone out there that has had it 100 times worse then you...
Just Laugh...
OH MY GOODNESS STOP WHINING dogs all around the world are crying because you are whining so loud!!! But But But (you said Butt) What am I going to laugh at?!?!? Life is so hard?!??!? We live in America .... oh no you are right!!!
Have you ever laughed so hard that you fart????
I have!!!! Those farts do not stink as much as the farts that are silent...
Have you ever laughed so hard it hurt????
I have those are the best laughs!!!
You do not need to make fun of someone to laugh...
Break out in a moment of crazy dancing .... I don't know IN A STORE, or in the car, or just randomly around the house!! It is fun!
Shake off the Drama and live your life with laughter and love...

Well from my house to yours Happy New Year!!!

A MOTHER'S JOB...

Even before a child is born a mother protects their child as it grows in their womb...
As the infant grows within it's mothers womb it is protected from the harshness of this world we live in... she just floats around within a wonderland that is in complete harmony between mother and child...
Nothing can harm the child because it's mother's body is made to protect their child even before she is born...
Mentally that nine months is the scariest time... to think every decision you make for the rest of your life will impact your child in some way or another... Yet physically (not including morning sickness) it is the most beautiful-est time ever!
So as the child grows and learns each sound of it's mothers heart beat the mother tries to learn as much as possible to prepare for the day... the day that changes everything...
The birth of her child...
Once a child is born a mother also gives birth to a sixth sense...
It is as if she knows what is best for her child even though 24 hours earlier she was scared to even pick out a color for the nursery...
There are times in life that you know your child will get hurt, yet you let it happen because that is just how life is...
She takes her first step as she has the biggest smile on her face and suddenly she falls...
She wants to ride a bike so you let her... there is that big smile again and then the big fall..
She tries out for a ballet with the confidence that she is the best dancer in the world... only to get a small roll... one that she is so great at you are in awe of her...
You know boys will come into her life and hurt her and you are prepared to sit up with her and watch sappy movies and eat ice cream...
What you are not prepared for is the pain that her father will give her... and even though you want to tell your daughter that he is not worth it.. you see the smile on her face when she talks to him...
That same beautiful smile that she had on her beautiful face the day she took her first step, the day she rode her bike for the first time and the day she rehearsed for that big role...
So you keep silent and try not replay the last time this happen seven years ago when he broke her heart before...
Instead, I smile when she smiles.... and encourage her to talk about her dad...
She will meet her dad once again tomorrow with the expectations that he is wanting a relationship with her and not because he is married...
Her heart is so sweet, honest, loving and accepting...
She is so willing to give him another chance because she just wants to have a normal family...
So I will take her to meet her dad... Because when I became a mother, I became a protector of the most valuable treasure God has ever given me...
It is my job as a mother to encourage her to grow.... and be there to for the ups and downs of life...
Life is a roller coaster it is up to us if we are going to enjoy the ride or scream the whole time...
Hears to laughing until we throw up!!

WHEN THE ONE AGAINST YOU IS YOUR OWN BLOOD...

I have not written in a long time and it is due to many things going on in my life..
Things that have been very traumatic... and the truth has come out that the cause of all these issues has been my mom.

She thrives on attention and a part of me believes that she is causing all of this turmoil due to the fact that I lived instead of died... See if I would have died she would have received so much attention.

What started the whole suicide attempt was due to the fact that she was trying to get temp. custody of my daughter...  That pushed me off the edge...
Since I have left the hospital and have went to all of my appointments and have tried to work on getting better I have felt a force working against me...
Come to find out it has been my own mother.

This should not surprise me since she sided with my step-dad when I was younger more times then I can count...

I have never in my life seen someone create so much drama just for attention..

I pray that my daughter will learn that "things" do not mean "I love you"...
You do not speak ill of someone's mother while buying the child "things"...

I would rather be the poorest person in the world and have integrity than be the richest person in the world and have a life filled with so many lies and so much drama...

"YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE HAD 38 NORMAL CHRISTMAS'S"

"YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE HAD 38 NORMAL CHRISTMAS'S" is what my daughter blurted out this morning as we sat in the living room after decorating the tree.

It was 3:00 a.m. and neither one of us could sleep so I had made the suggestion that we decorate the Christmas tree and my daughter was more than eager to say "YES!"

The tree had been up since before Thanksgiving, yet I could not decorate it... I had decorated the house with garland and the entrance way to our complex but for some reason the tree... I just could not do...

As we got out the four different size boxes of. ornaments and each sat down to find a treasure in each box... I began to realize why I had not wanted to do this...
Many of the ornaments have meaning and some of them were of grandma...

So many ornaments that my daughter had made when she was younger... the different ones she has received for each Christmas it was as if we were going down memory lane...

I could tell she was tired at one point and I realized that my daughter had wanted to decorate the tree for a while yet she never said anything... She is very wise and instead of saying "Mama, lets decorate the tree" she knew that I was dealing with my grandma's death and did not want to interrupt my mourning...

At this moment I felt many emotions... One of awe in my daughter she has such a sweet heart and compassion... Yet I was upset at myself that I had put my daughter on the back burner to my mourning...  

My daughter was also in mourning and this was apparent with what happened next:

As we finished up we sat down and looked at our accomplishment and that is when my beautiful daughter said "YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE HAD 38 NORMAL CHRISTMAS'S"....
All her life she has been with me and we have always been a part of Christmas with my grandma... that included my Uncles and my Aunt... So all she knows is a happy loving caring family coming together for a celebration...  With laughter, food and cards.

She knew that Christmas was not going to be as "big" as it has been... not as many family members as it has had in the past...

How scary it must be for a child to have a big change occur.. not knowing what is going to happen all awhile knowing that it will be different...

This is new for both of us... Hold my hand my dear and we will walk this journey together.
We will make new memories always remembering and including the traditions grandma has given us...
Hold my hand and we will be okay...