It's Been a While...

Today my daughter and I went swimming, I know it was not the hottest day of the summer but I love going when no one is there.  I could tell you I do not like the fact that kids can bring their toys and their parents do not pay attention to them... but let's be honest.  I am insecure...
BUT that is not what this blog is about...Today as I was in the pool I had the biggest revelation ever!My daughter had gotten out of the pool because I was boring (let's just stop right there and think about that, I have been called many things in my life but never boring).Anyway it was just me.  It was a pretty cloudy day and if you know me you know I am a cloud gazer, I have always told Christina that I pray God let's me paint the sky just once.  As I was looking up at the sky I realized how calm I was... not just me but everything.  The wind was calm, there were no waves, no ripples, no screaming kinds, nothing at all, just.... calm... yet as I looked up I seen a huge dark cloud.  I stood there in the calm water staring up as this cloud started gathering other clouds into it's darkness, as if each cloud was just floating along and was all of a sudden sucked into this huge darkness.  All awhile the sun was shinning as this cloud was right on top of me.  I stared as it moved so fast, the smaller clouds had no chance they were sucked right in.  It grew so big that is began to cover the other beautiful fluffy clouds.  Then it began to surround the sun, even then the sun showed it's beautiful rays down to the earth to show that it was still there, that is until it was gone.I began to realize these clouds are a symbol of us wonderful humans.  We can be strolling along having a wonderful day and something or someone will try to suck us into the darkness.  How often do we fall right in too...What darkness am I speaking of?  It could be many things...Someone cuts us off... That is a big one for me ROAD RAGE!!GossipSpeaking ill of our Brothers and SistersFacebook is a great place to fall into that darkness if someone post something you do not likeThere are so many more BUT YOU are the one in control of YOUR actions, and the little clouds?  How often are our children the ones punished for our actions.  They are sucked into the drama and chaos just as the little clouds were.It is not easy, it is a hard thing to do especially if you have been doing it your whole life.  BUT who wants to live in the darkness?Did I mention the Sun came out shortly after, to remind us that even in the darkness there is always ALWAYS light.
I dedicate this Blog to my Brother and sister in law whom I have spoken ill of and pray that one day they will forgive me.  

x

THE EMPTY PIT...

My uncle is in the hospital and is very sick... I have been asked to pray for him.
So I Plead to you to please pray for my uncle... because I do not know if I can...

Words such as prayer, God, Jesus, Church all make me want to scream...
When someone begins to talk about these such subjects I hold the phone away from my ear..
Or I change the subject right away...
This is odd coming from the girl who once made her closet into a confessional as a child.
I have read the Bible, I started Divine Mercy groups... I know all about it but I just can't take hearing about it....
I have come to the conclusion that I am PISSED OFF!!!
My best friend is gone and there is nothing I can do about it... I know "she would not want me to feel this way" BUT she is not here to help me through it and I she is the only person who could hep me out of this...
I know this because she is the one who helped me out of it before.

I know what I need to do.. and I know what I need in my life but I do not know how to take the steps to get there....  I am just so ANGRY and that anger is changing me...
I am becoming a very angry person.. I complain about everything and everyone...

I will make it through but in the mean time please pray for my Uncle.
Much Love

DEAR TINA.... A LETTER TO MYSELF 10 MONTHS AGO...MY PLEAD NOT TO COMMIT SUICIDE...

Dear Tina,

I know you are hurting and you feel alone in this world, but the truth is very different from how you actually feel this very second.  
I can see you rolling your eyes and wanting to close your computer and continue taking pills until you cannot feel anything any more....  But I do know how you are feeling.. the darkness that you believe no one else in the world could ever comprehend.. the feeling of complete and utter loss that is so deep that it hurts to breathe...  Everyone is against you so why are you still hear?  That is what your mind is telling you in this very instant but I am hear to tell you this... In the next few months you will miss out on so much if you go through with killing yourself....
You will not hear your baby girl say "I love you" again...
You will miss out on her coming to you just to say "Thank you for everything"
You will never hear the word "Mama" again, or have her grab your finger as she did when she was a baby...
You will never know the people that you have impacted in your life because you will not be hear to see it.  Instead you will be a haunting memory to them and a question to your family as to what they could have done differently... 
You will miss your daughter's first dance... and first boyfriend... and her first heartbreak...
You will not be able to take any more trips. your daughters first time to Canada...
You will not be able to apologize for the mean things you said before you went...
You will not be able to smell the lilacs in the spring... or see the tulips burst with color...
You will never see another sunset... or take another one of your million pictures of the sky...
You will not be able to hear a baby cry and a puppy bark...
You will not be able to play with your daughters feet which will always be those cute piggies...
You will miss the first snow... making snow angels, the feeling of the snow and hot chocolate afterwards...
You will Miss Christmas... your favorite holiday... and family
Miss the sound of laughter and the feeling of laughing so hard your stomach hurts...
You will miss your daughter being confirmed in the Catholic Church...

I am not saying this year will be perfect...
You will get into arguments...  
You will be low on money often....
Some of your family will never speak to you again...
You will feel as if people are judging you for what you did....
You will have days that are dark and you will have days that are bright....

You will miss out on ALL of this because of the way you felt that day in September....
Well you may have lost it all... I just Thank God He was watching over me and I am hear to say that I have been Blessed to see and do all the above... the good, the bad, the great, the amazing.... This is my life <3

2015...

Writing for me has been therapeutic, a place where I could put into words my thoughts and memories to share with others and or to read in the future.  

I had a perfect routine, I would put on music to get in "the zone" as my daughter would always call it.  I would place my headphones on, choose a topic that was usually something that was going on in my life and just type...But something has changed... well a lot has changed...

One thing is the fact that I have not written in a long time. every time I have tried I just give up... The thoughts just do not come as easily as they have in the past.  Writing to me became an addiction, so I have been yearning for the touch of the keypad under my finger tips as I type faster than I would ever let anyone see me type...
I have often wondered if it is the medicine they have put me on, how can something that I love an enjoy become so hard to do now?

Depression is very difficult to live with, yet millions of people live with it everyday...
I will get back to the things I love and enjoy! 

2014 MY YEAR IN REVIEW...

2014 was a year that had more downs than ups....
It began in January with the death of my best friend and grandmother...
February brought my first first birthday without her being by my side or hearing her voice...
March was the first year I did not send her St. Patrick's Day flowers...
April was the first Easter without her.....
May was the first Mother's without her.....
***It is ironic how hard it is to go to a store and not buy a grandma card***
June was the first time I did not tell her Happy Birthday on earth..
July was the first summer without her
August was the first year she was missing from a family party
September I decided I wanted to go home and be with my grandma... there would be no more missing her because I would be by her side... Yet God had another plan...
October was the first year we did not stop by her house for trick or treat
November was the first time she did not sit in her spot at the head of the table...
December was the first Christmas without her...

So to wrap this year up...
It was a lot of first without the woman who was there for me more than anyone else...
The one whom I would call when I needed someone to talk to...
The one whom I loved to just be around...

2015 is a new year but there is still one more first... her one year anniversary of her death...
I do not want to rinse and repeat...
Yet how can I not repeat the year above without the missing piece 

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS...

Yes my friends we are at that time of year again when we look at our life and think hmmm...
What have I done that I want to get rid of? Want to do again?  Want to do for the first time? Want to get back to doing? Want to change? Want to start? Want to end? Want.... Need... Like.. Want... Need... Like... Sigh

Most of us will break that said new year's resolution before the week is up...
Sure the New Year is a great time for change... It is a brand New Year one we have never seen before... unless we have time traveled here and then it is just deja vu...
I mean come on... It is a brand New Year one we have never seen before... unless we have time traveled here and then it is just deja vu. (Sorry I had to)

I am sure Church's are full at the beginning of the year (except on Easter and Christmas)...
Diet food is sold more in the new year...
Exercise equipment is sold more in the new year...
More budgets are created in the new year..
More self-help books are sold in the new year...

Yes many people want to start a "new" a "Change" in the new year...

Why do we set ourselves up for failure?!? Why must it be something big?!?!

Setting a huge goal on weight loss is only going to make you want to eat when you do not meet your weight loss before Valentines day... and the candy is already out...
I am not saying do not loose weight.. I am saying do not put a name on it...

Setting a budget is great for those who can follow one.. but if you have to set one for new years you most likely are not going to follow it... Sorry to say... start simple open a Christmas account and next year at Christmas it will not be so hard...

Self-help books are great.... for the author.... I have a pile of them... you want one... for free!!

Here is what I suggest a simple daily routine (OH MY GOSH!!!! EVERYDAY!!!)
Laugh!!! No matter if you have had the day from hell there is someone out there that has had it 100 times worse then you...
Just Laugh...
OH MY GOODNESS STOP WHINING dogs all around the world are crying because you are whining so loud!!! But But But (you said Butt) What am I going to laugh at?!?!? Life is so hard?!??!? We live in America .... oh no you are right!!!
Have you ever laughed so hard that you fart????
I have!!!! Those farts do not stink as much as the farts that are silent...
Have you ever laughed so hard it hurt????
I have those are the best laughs!!!
You do not need to make fun of someone to laugh...
Break out in a moment of crazy dancing .... I don't know IN A STORE, or in the car, or just randomly around the house!! It is fun!
Shake off the Drama and live your life with laughter and love...

Well from my house to yours Happy New Year!!!

A MOTHER'S JOB...

Even before a child is born a mother protects their child as it grows in their womb...
As the infant grows within it's mothers womb it is protected from the harshness of this world we live in... she just floats around within a wonderland that is in complete harmony between mother and child...
Nothing can harm the child because it's mother's body is made to protect their child even before she is born...
Mentally that nine months is the scariest time... to think every decision you make for the rest of your life will impact your child in some way or another... Yet physically (not including morning sickness) it is the most beautiful-est time ever!
So as the child grows and learns each sound of it's mothers heart beat the mother tries to learn as much as possible to prepare for the day... the day that changes everything...
The birth of her child...
Once a child is born a mother also gives birth to a sixth sense...
It is as if she knows what is best for her child even though 24 hours earlier she was scared to even pick out a color for the nursery...
There are times in life that you know your child will get hurt, yet you let it happen because that is just how life is...
She takes her first step as she has the biggest smile on her face and suddenly she falls...
She wants to ride a bike so you let her... there is that big smile again and then the big fall..
She tries out for a ballet with the confidence that she is the best dancer in the world... only to get a small roll... one that she is so great at you are in awe of her...
You know boys will come into her life and hurt her and you are prepared to sit up with her and watch sappy movies and eat ice cream...
What you are not prepared for is the pain that her father will give her... and even though you want to tell your daughter that he is not worth it.. you see the smile on her face when she talks to him...
That same beautiful smile that she had on her beautiful face the day she took her first step, the day she rode her bike for the first time and the day she rehearsed for that big role...
So you keep silent and try not replay the last time this happen seven years ago when he broke her heart before...
Instead, I smile when she smiles.... and encourage her to talk about her dad...
She will meet her dad once again tomorrow with the expectations that he is wanting a relationship with her and not because he is married...
Her heart is so sweet, honest, loving and accepting...
She is so willing to give him another chance because she just wants to have a normal family...
So I will take her to meet her dad... Because when I became a mother, I became a protector of the most valuable treasure God has ever given me...
It is my job as a mother to encourage her to grow.... and be there to for the ups and downs of life...
Life is a roller coaster it is up to us if we are going to enjoy the ride or scream the whole time...
Hears to laughing until we throw up!!